


Northern Lights

by laurelsalexis



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Character Study, Developing Relationship, F/M, POV Alternating
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-30
Updated: 2017-06-01
Packaged: 2018-08-27 21:32:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 84,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8417617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laurelsalexis/pseuds/laurelsalexis
Summary: What she hated more was how easily Nathan got under her skin. One minute she hated him and the next her thoughts were anything but hate. It scared her in ways that she couldn’t explain and it made her wonder if there was a point in which she could move on.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> As I fully descend into shipper hell, this fic doesn't have a really clear timeline, and might not for a little while. That's on purpose because I want to see how midseason unfolds before I commit to anything. It's not really needed for the first few chapters anyway, to be perfectly honest.
> 
> Feedback is welcome, shipper wars aren't.

In truth, Meredith was never really able to move on. No matter how much she wanted to and how hard she tried...she ended up back where she had always been. Only Derek was alive then and pining over him as he went back to his wife, or he had the relationship with Rose, was different. When she looked at him it made sense why she would try and make herself whole. It made sense as to why she nearly ached to be with him. Through all the bad and the good, there were reasons for her to want him so desperately. They found happiness in a world where she was so sure that happiness didn't exist at all.

Except he died.

The happiness got ripped away.

Nothing was ever going to be the same again.

There was absolutely no reason as to why she should have been holding onto him as tightly as she did. Even if it was harder because there was no closure. He was there and then he was gone. Nothing she could do would bring him back, and nothing was going to close the gaping hole in her heart. Even when she hated him she loved him and that only made all of her thoughts more complicated. Everything was complicated and she hated it.

She hated everything.

What she hated more was how easily Nathan got under her skin. One minute she hated him and the next her thoughts were anything but hate. It scared her in ways that she couldn't explain and it made her wonder if there was a point in which she could move on. With Thorpe she just wasn't ready, but then Nathan came around. Almost out of nowhere. Moments came in which she softened with him were easily replaced by moments in which Owen proved him to be the worth the dislike out of loyalty. But then her body moved on instinct in that parking lot, as if every part of her just stopped caring and she needed him. No thinking. She just pulled him into her car. Just doing. Like she'd done so many times in the past. She had a nasty little habit of solving her problems with sex. Only mourning a dead husband wasn't really only problem that could be solved.

She had to figure it out.

Easier to avoid him because of that, to pretend that nothing was there, to play the twisted little games that she could tell only made Nathan frustrated, and made her look like a demon sister to Maggie. She was, objectively, but she probably didn't care as much as she should have. Being a sister was never on her list of things she was good at, nor was it really a high priority. It took time with Lexie and with Amelia and Maggie she didn't have time. She had kids, a rocky marriage that turned dead husband, and things that made it so she couldn't just focus on trying to be a better person. She had to focus on surviving, on finding a way to be who she was without Derek, to be Meredith Grey.

When was the last time she was just Meredith?

It felt like Derek followed her everywhere. Even in death. If he was there she wouldn't have minded, but he wasn't there. He was gone and she had to learn how to be her own person.

More difficult than she imagined.

Sometimes it felt as if her world was slowly piecing itself together, but other times it felt as if her world was on the edge of crumbling into a million little pieces. The other shoe always dropped. It just did. When things were good, they went back. So many times she couldn't even think of them all without reaching a too dark place inside of her that she just couldn't come back from, nor was she ever going to be able to.

Mostly, it just felt as if it was that way because it had to be. She couldn't lean on Alex, not when he was going through his own special brand of hell. She wasn't entirely selfish, even when she knew she could be. Instead, she had to be there so he could lean on her. In an odd way, it was good. It helped her to be the person that she was slowly turning into. The person who was more than just a widow.

A new brand of widow, as it were.

The widow that felt as if her entire body ached for a guy she was never supposed to like. A guy that was too laid back and too fun, too interested, too everything. A guy that invaded her thoughts when she was trying to do her job, invaded her in the middle of the night when she couldn't sleep, and all she could think was his hands all over her body, the way he felt inside of her. It left her wondering if it was just going to end like it all did before?

It wasn't a risk she felt she could take so she avoided him too many times, being a little too rude, pretending that everything was just a classic Meredith fluke of the moment, girl who used sex to solve her problems. Only he wouldn't know that, would he? She wasn't the poor slutty intern who got involved with her married attending. She was an attending herself. One who held a cloud of grief over their head and three kids to look after.

That was who she became and through all the Hell getting to that place put her through, those kids were what kept her standing upright. For that she'd never change a damn moment of her life.

"Where the hell is Maggie?" Meredith whispered to herself, tired of the silence that caused her to think too much.

"No Pierce. Stuck with me." Nathan's voice rang out as he climbed on the plane and took a seat next to her. "She got stuck in a surgery. I'm her replacement."

"Great." She didn't even pretend to hide the distaste, that was totally fake, but there, as she settled back. She was supposed to be doing the surgery with Maggie, not with Riggs. Something that was borderline ridiculous in the first place, a lost cause, but was a favor to Richard. How could she say no to her basically dad and Maggie's biological dad? Either way, she didn't want to be stuck with Riggs the entire time. Too late.

"Ouch." The single word came out as he buckled himself in the seat.

Her shoulders shrugged and looked ahead as the pilot said they were leaving. Out of the corner of her eye she noticed the way he took out a file, and it annoyed her. In that stupid way where it didn't even really annoy her, but the fact that he wasn't talking to her even though he almost always was talking to her annoyed her.

She never said it made any sense.

She wanted him to talk, but she didn't want him to talk all at the same time. He instantly consumed her thoughts and she bit down on her lip as she tried not to let those stupid porny thoughts get the better of her. In work it was easier, most of the time. There was a patient at hand to focus on, but when it was just the two of them and a pilot in closed quarters. Well, there was only so much she could do to control her thoughts. Unless she wanted to think about all of the ways the flight could possibly go wrong.

Maybe having a panic attack mid air with a guy who wouldn't understand, but would also care too much wasn't the best idea.

Porny thoughts it was.

Quietly she glanced at him out of the corner of her eye. He was just sitting there, reading the file he was probably handed last minute, and trying to learn as much as she could. For all of the things Owen told her and the reasons she was supposed to hate him, she did give him credit that he was a good surgeon. They were all pretty questionable people in their personal lives.

Lingering a little too long, his gaze eventually shifted to her own, and she couldn't bring herself to tear away. Not immediately. She wondered what it was about him. The cocky thing didn't even really annoy him, he was laid back, way more laid back than anyone she ever liked before. Derek certainly was not one to let well, anything roll off of him. He was a yeller. Nathan had a breaking point, but it wasn't a short fuse. He had nice eyes and nice hair, she did enjoy running her fingers through it. The rest she just didn't know. It probably had something to do with the fact that he could read her like a damn book. Not even Derek could do that.

No, she couldn't compare them. It wasn't fair and they were just too different. He didn't even have a mc nickname. Those were something of a death sentence, though. He didn't need a death mark on him.

Tearing her gaze away she focused back on the so very uninteresting interior of the plane

She supposed being with Nathan wasn't a totally bad thing. It meant that her kids wouldn't just be in the hands of Alex. Maggie would be there. It was only meant to be one night, but as she knew her kids better than anyone, one night could be a handful. Hell, really. Nothing she wanted to place just on the shoulders of Alex, even if reassured it was fine. It was for work. Together they could handle it. Right? Right. At least she hoped so.

By the time they were landing she realized they hadn't spoken much and wondered a million things. Always managing to think about him and what he was thinking about her. It annoyed her, but she long let go of trying to figure it out. Instead she just got off of the plane and let them be guided to the hospital in question, walking down the hall with her arms crossed over her chest. More so displaying her mood towards Nathan than the surgery at hand.

But her inner personal demons with Nathan weren't what she was there to worry about.

"Dr. Grey, Dr. Riggs." The chief of surgery greeted, leading them to the patient.

They received the general update on the patient, as they both overlooked the man lying in the bed. It only took her a few moments to look up at Nathan and for them to share the look that wordlessly meant it looked like the patient was just too far gone. For her to do her work and him to work on the heart at the same time...it was a long shot.

Not that they would give up, but they knew harsh realities when they saw them.

They both move out of the room and the attendings she assumed worked long and hard only to be shoved off a case at the last minute.

"I knew your mother. I hope you're as good as her."

Meredith smiled, in that way that tried her best to mask how she was annoyed, before the code was called. She hated that she was pleased it got her out of a conversation she didn't want to be in. Instead of worrying about it she found herself leaning against the wall as she watched, crossing her arms across her chest, the flat of her foot braced back against the wall. She'd of helped if there weren't already too many bodies in the room, and if the chief didn't already think she wasn't that good.

"What's it being the daughter of Ellis Grey?"

The question came after she felt him all too close, leaning against the wall at his side, so little personal space between them. She could have moved, but she didn't. Why she didn't move she didn't really have an answer. One that was outside of the obvious at least. She let out a breath, but didn't say anything. It was just them. They didn't need to move, to look out for Maggie, or Owen, or any other wandering eye. It felt almost as if she was some trance, where she could just give in for one moment, to pretend whatever they had could be real. It couldn't be real. They weren't hiding away in a different hospital forever. Just for the moment, for this one case, one patient. They would go back to real life and she couldn't think about kissing him in the middle of the hallway.

It wasn't going to do anything good for either of them.

"You don't want to know about my mother."

"I do."

Her eyes shifted over to him, raising her eyebrow, not believing him in the slightest. "Not all legends make good mothers."

"You make a good mother from what I see."

"I'm not a legend."

Meredith allowed her gaze to shift back to the patient, whose heart rate manage to come up, just barely. It didn't look good and she really hoped they didn't need to stick around more than one night. Her resolve wasn't very good. Never had been. Especially not when he was standing so close. "Did you need something, Dr. Riggs?"

"Just you."

He still didn't touch her but she swore she could feel him closer, her whole body on edge, shivering, needing him more than she wanted to admit. It only caused her to put on a hardened look, letting out something of a shaky breath, but pretending everything was fine. Normal. Most times when she talked to him, afterwards certain thoughts found her, and she felt like that stupid intern she was. She was a mother of three kids. She didn't have time to be the girl who thought with things other than her brain.

"Not happening." Meredith rested her back against the wall and closed her eyes. If she didn't see him how much of a problem could there be? At least until he leaned into her and she looked over at him. It made it harder to focus. She wanted him and she knew it. It looked like he knew it, too. She wanted something she really couldn't have. Only made him more appealing because she was definitely that girl. She swallowed and did her best to look anywhere but him. She failed. Miserably.

"Then stop looking at me like you're picturing me without my clothes on. I remember that look."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

He leaned in just a little closer. "Four times, Grey. No one's forgetting that."

She smiled, licking her lips, as she looked at him with her eyes widened just enough. Stupid, Nathan Riggs. "I hate you."

"No, you don't."

"I do, I really do."

"Offer is still open. Can send a clear message you hate me. Me, you, no clothes. It'd be great."

"Sorry to interrupt.." a nurse came up to them, "but the chief wants to speak to you."

Meredith pushed herself off of the wall and let it go that the nurse probably heard too much of the conversation. It wasn't like they were at Grey Sloan Memorial. Crossing her arms over her chest she walked down the wall and up the stairs, doing her best to ignore how she felt.

"So, are you two…?" The nurse asked, "Sorry, nothing interesting really happens around here."

"We're not." Meredith answered, trying her best to not roll her eyes.

"Are you dating anyone?" She turns the conversation to just Nathan.

"No, Dr. Grey here keep saying no. I think I'm starting to wear her down though."

"You're not."

"I am."

As she kept walking and praying she magically got lost, it was impossible to overhear the way the nurse was laughing too loud at nearly everything that came out of his mouth. The one time she looked back the little redhead had wide eyes and that look as if Nathan was some kind of damn superhero. Hmm, it bothered her. She wouldn't admit it bothered her, but it clearly did.

"Gag." She murmured to herself just as the laughter bounced off of the walls.

"So, you were in the army?"

"Oh jesus." Meredith whispered, rolling her eyes.

"Yeah, settled back in Seattle."

"Still, hero."

"Dr. Grey, Dr. Riggs. Come in."

Meredith was thankful for the Chief to want to talk to them. They took their seats and the nurse disappeared. She'd been there with Derek, the whole wide eyed, stupid girl, but still, there was something about the whole thing that bothered her. Nothing she wanted to actually worry herself over, and she didn't as they disssolved into worrying about the patient.

"I know you guys are in a rush to get back to Seattle, but this patient... I can't authorize a surgery until he is more stable. He won't make it."

"We understand." Nathan replied.

"How long?" Meredith asked.

"I don't give him more than twelve hours." The Chief replied, "I'll page you guys. Go get some rest. It might be a long night."

Without lingering around for anything more Meredith stood and walked right out of the office and down the stairs, taking a turn to almost lose Nathan near instantly. It was childish and that was one of the many things that she could be when she wanted to be. She was in search of a cup of coffee, finding one of those ancient machines that told her just how old the hospital they were in was, and groaning as it took forever. It probably was going to take forever. She really should have just found her bag and left, but she didn't.

Pulling the cup from the machine she took a sip and made a face, turning around to see Nathan standing there. How did he do that? Probably had something to do with the army in him, or at least the nurse would say that. She stood there and didn't move. If she left too fast he'd just stop her, but if she stood there she'd have to talk to him. That was what happened when she didn't actually have medicine or her kids to distract her mind. She worried about stupid things that made her near crazy, and almost like a teenager. She wasn't even like that as an actual teenager. Though teenage Meredith would most definitely not be worried about any of that.

"You left awfully fast." Nathan said as he broke the silence.

"You were busy. Didn't want to interrupt."

"If you were a normal human expressing emotions instead of pretending that absolutely nothing bothered you ever, I would say you were jealous. But lashing out at me seems to be your default mood."

"I'm not lashing out."

"Ice queen, better?"

Meredith smiled as she took a sip of her coffee. It was rude. But she was usually rude to him and found it almost a little endearing. "Don't let me stop you." The words came as she tried to walk past him before he took a step in front of her, blocking her way.

"Meredith."

"Nathan."

"I don't understand you sometimes."

"I know." She spoke softly, looking up at him, aware of just how close the pair were.

Nathan shook his head, smiling. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Okay."

Meredith watched him leave and drank down the rest of the coffee that tasted like she was drinking sewer water. No one could survive on that. A freedom found her in knowing that he was gone, but there was also something that bugged her. She didn't really want him gone, that much she knew. She wanted for the whole situation to be a hell of a lot easier than it actually was, but she was anything but that lucky. Not when she added in the entire Maggie complication. She needed to be honest with her sister. She knew that. It just...slipped further and further away from her, and the more guilt she felt weighing on her because of her feelings for a man other than her dead husband. Well, it was just easier to avoid everything, to pretend that nothing was happening.

Even if was very clearly happening.

Slowly, Meredith found her way to the lounge in which she dropped her bag of stuff and found herself walking across the street to the hotel. It was nice for the small town they were in. No coffee machine, which she actually managed to to think was a plus.

It was almost as if her feet found her as she walked to the elevator, finding her way to the floor in question. She was tired and would have rather been in her own house, but she'd been away from her kids before and it worked out alright. Gripping her phone tightly she had half a mind to call Alex. She restrained herself.

Instead she just knocked on the door.

"Please don't tell me you have the nurse in there."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But as the days turned into months, it was still Meredith, outside of Owen, who really took his interest.

For Nathan Seattle wasn't really in the long term plan. One patient with Kepner wasn't really meant to be a whole new life for him, blending with his old life given Owen was there. The offer from Duke was better, he'd of been the head of Cardio there, and probably wouldn't have tension every which way he turned. But Duke didn't have Owen and once they'd been brothers. Why wouldn't he want to try and make things better with him?

It was a risk from the moment he took Bailey's offer. Owen ended up angry with him just like he had expected and his only real friend happened to be the one from Jordan, and maybe, Maggie, before that ended up the awkward mess he didn't really want to be in. From the moment he took that job he didn't really think he and Owen were going to end up best mates like they had been all those years ago when they first joined the Army, but he could hope. Right? He was that guy. Who hoped that things would get better and didn't let them drag him down. Otherwise he'd of been a bitter old mess and looking for the bright side in things was just better. It helped him make his way without letting the horrors of his life catch up with him.

Not when everything was his own fault.

He was the one who cheated on Megan, and he was the one who let her get on that chopper. He could have stopped her. At least that was what he thought, led himself to believe, no matter what the reality of it was, some part of him could have stopped her, and then he would be the dead one. He deserved it more than Megan did. She didn't do anything wrong.

Nathan knew all of it and the guilt continuously weighed heavily upon him.

Not a day went by in which he didn't think about Megan, what happened, and all of the mistakes he made.

There was no such thing as redemption for him. No world was Owen ever going to truly forgive him, no way in which he thought his mother forgave him either. Not truly. Or maybe he was just projecting. She was nice to him all the time and hugged him, they had a nice talk at Owen and Amelia's wedding. There was no reason for him to think that she didn't do anything but truly forgive him for what happened, but sometimes, moments of doubt crept in and there was nothing he could do to will them away.

The only thing any of them could do was move on. Moving on proved harder than he thought. None of it went according to any kind of makeshift plan he thought too long and too hard about. Not when Owen pushed back at him every single moment and even punched him. They fought more than anything. Until the wedding came and they fell into something that was not fighting, that was for sure.

Awkward.

A moment in which they couldn't be the brothers they once were, but he wasn't being punched in the face so he considered it progress. He was a patient guy and could wait out any storm.

Everything with Owen was expected.

Meredith Grey? Not expected.

The first time he saw her in the hospital it'd been in passing. His eyes following her as she walked down the hallway. As if he was instantly struck by her. Nothing special about her in the moment. Only walking the hall in her navy scrubs and the scrub cap she never seemed to be without, but it was as if something inside of him knew something he wouldn't figure out for months to come. Still wasn't entirely certain he figured anything out. Might never actually figure out.

His moving on from Megan was slow and he hadn't even really done it. Not outside of sex. He buried himself in his work in the Middle East after coming to terms with her disappearance...death, whichever was actually fitting. His time at Grey Sloan proved just as easy to allow for himself to bury himself in his work.

But as the days turned into months, it was still Meredith, outside of Owen, who really took his interest. He made friends with others and wasn't the universally hated guy, which was nice, but when the two people he wanted to not hate him did...well, his work seemed to be the more interesting of things.

It was slow and steady until it hit like a damn train. Meredith hated him, didn't hate him, hated him again, and then they were in her car, having a little sex marathon of their own in the worst place possible. It made him question every moment of their interactions beforehand. He thought of the moment when her patient died and he told her about Megan. The way she asked as if she deserved to know, the way he told her without thinking twice about it, only to be defensive in the end.

He never did ask about Derek, did he? As if he wasn't willing to cross a line that would send her in the other direction. Ever careful about Meredith.

It wasn't until after Owen told her about the cheating, which she, in turn, apparently told everyone she knew, that did she seem to ice him out again. Ice everyone out, acting like something he understood, wanted to help, but had no way of helping. He could see the grief radiating off of her on some days over others. He could see her anger at the world, see how she thought life to be unfair, to wish that Amelia didn't even exist. Many times he couldn't even blame her. How could he? He'd be lying if he said there were moments where he would have traded Owen for Megan. Only it was way more complicated between he and Owen then he suspected it could be between her and Amelia.

Or he was entirely off base. Entirely possible. It was Meredith. One of the most guarded women he met in his entire life.

Even with all of that she just managed to catch him entirely by surprise, and there was just something about her that kept him wanting to get to know her. No matter if it took him forever, which was a real possibility.

Sometimes he wondered if it would be Meredith or Owen who would cave first. In his mind, one had to. He wasn't in the habit of chasing. Since Megan...he never really put much effort into a woman, but there was something about Meredith Grey that instantly pulled him to her. Something he couldn't exactly explain, something that all but drove him mad. Whether or not she enjoyed that he hadn't quite been able to read. Some moments it was like she was an open book, other moments it was like she a member of the CIA and he would never get past her line of defense.

When it all shifted that night in the parking lot it remained true. From ice to fire. Insults and attitude coming at him in waves, to her jumping him without so much as a word spoken. He hadn't expected it. Certainly not with her loyalty to Owen and the way she often would have rather been with anyone but him. Not that he had any complaints. Not when they were in her car doing things they really shouldn't have done in the parking lost of a hospital. No complaint found him as they went on and on.

His only complaint was how quickly she seemed to pull away after that. All too keen on acting as if nothing happened, while acting like she was interested in him. The mixed signals drove him crazy, but ultimately, they were the things that kept him moving towards her like she was just something he had to have.

Getting under her skin was something he liked, actually. Those little moments where she look at him as if she hated him, only to smile, or pay some compliment that wasn't really a compliment. Only, it was most definitely a compliment when it came from her. He didn't know a ton about Meredith but he knew she wasn't like most he'd met before. Darker, if he had to associate a word with it. A stark contrast from both of her sisters. A girl who had been through hell and it was written all over her pretty little face, while still managing to go on as if nothing was wrong.

Only ever able to tell by the attitude she put forth.

She was a damn hurricane and he never shied away from a storm.

In those moments in which she acted as if she hated everyone around her, the moments where she smiled, those were the ones worth waiting around for.

Nathan knew that pushing her was only going to backfire in the end, so he didn't. Instead, he gave her a little space. Not too much, but enough. He'd be there if she wanted him, but he wasn't exactly holding his breath.

At least until Bailey told him that he needed to go with Meredith on the little trip for the surgery. No way he could put any distance between them and deny the request, demand, really, given by the Chief of Surgery. So he went. Not that he could say he wasn't interested, he was. He liked spending time with Meredith and actually had an interest in getting to know her. It wasn't always just about getting into her pants, even if that was a nice bonus. A really nice bonus. She was good. He held that memory close to him.

She was mostly standoff until he noticed the little bout of jealousy that kicked in. He tried not to focus on it, to read into it, because knowing her, she'd act as if nothing was wrong at all. One moment she could act like a normal person, but the next, she was freezing him out as if he was seeing things that weren't there.

All he chose to take away was that he was most definitely getting under her skin.

Finding his way to the hotel room all he wanted to do was sleep. Something irritated him about the Chief at the hospital they were visiting and clearly, Meredith wanted her space, combined with the nurse that was cute, but not Meredith...sleeping was preferable. So much so that he laid down without bothering to look in his bag to find something more comfortable to wear. Not as good as the bed in his place, but no worse than anything he slept on during his career in the Army.

What he didn't anticipate was the knock at the door that caused him to roll off of the bed and answer it without bothering to find the light. Meredith was the person that he didn't expect to see on the other side of the door. He was positive that the brief look of shock that crossed his face was noticeable before he smiled.

"No," he spoke, stepping aside.

Meredith walked through the door and plopped her duffle bag down on the floor, something that he took notice of, meaning she hadn't gone to find her own room. Just straight to his. For a girl who always tried to keep him at an arm's length, she certainly had a funny way of showing it.

She didn't do anything but stand there and watch him as he shut the door. The only light was from the moon shining through the window, lighting her up, leaving him in the shadow.

"How'd you get my room?" He questioned after the long silence seemed to be something that was only going to continue unless he spoke first.

"I have my ways" She said, almost fidgeting with herself.

He only let out a chuckle in response.

"Might have been some sweet talking."

"You? Sweet Talker."

"I can be nice."

Nathan wanted to comment on that but restrained himself. "Want a drink or something?"

"No."

He didn't say anything in return for a few moments, just watched as she moved further into the room. Sometimes he could read her really well. Those moments when their life experiences managed to bring them together, but other moments he was painfully aware of how little he knew her. Her husband was dead, she had three kids, she was the daughter of Ellis Grey, and her house was a frat house. What that had to do with anything he didn't really know or care that much. She was a good surgeon. All very limited. Almost as if he didn't know anything at all but she wanted him to think that he knew things.

He suspected that was her way of operating...making people think they knew so much about her. He was willing to wait and to learn, to see if she would eventually open up to him. Or if she wanted to listen about his own life. All the ways in which she usually reacted to him made him think it would take a hell of a lot longer.

But then she was standing there, almost as if she was nervous, and he was the one who had no answers.

"So, what do you want?" Not the first time he asked that question and the last time he did it ended up with the two of them being in the backseat of her car. Memories he wouldn't exactly be against repeating.

But she didn't answer. Just looked at him. In that way he couldn't read. Sometimes he knew her mood well, other times, like the moment when she just looked at him with her wide, bright blue eyes, it was clear he had no idea what she was going to do or say. Far less angry than before. Every time he saw her she was a little less off her rocker. She looked so lost.

It made two of them.

He always felt a little lost.

Without speaking she took off her shirt and well, he had to appreciate the sight. She was hot, no doubt about that. He noticed the scars but didn't ask. She already told him just how long of story her's happened to be without wanting to share the details.

"Are you going to hate me tomorrow?" He asked, stepping forward, finding his hand instantly situated on her hip.

"Probably."

They both smiled at that.

Nathan couldn't quite remember the last time he found someone as intoxicating as he did Meredith.

That was a lie.

He did.

He just...didn't have the ability to think on that. To bring up memories from his past he did so hard to convince himself he moved on from. He hadn't. Probably never really would. A reason he didn't find himself fed up with Meredith and the way she acted. He knew. It wasn't easy, to find a way to move on when the love of your life was dead. Nothing either of them would get over, but he liked to think, if she just gave him an inch the two would be able to work through whatever it was. Together.

Forge a new life or whatever. Or at least have a damn date. She never gave him an inch, until then, until her shirt was off, leaving her in her jeans and a bra. A bra he thought she would look much better without but didn't think that hard on it, not when he was looking down and just focused so intently on her. The way the smoothness of her skin felt beneath the pads of his fingertips, the fact he could see her looking up at him, almost questioning.

He wondered what was on her mind. Did she actually want this? Or was it a moment to forget the pain they both felt? Maybe both. Did she think he was actually going to reject her? He supposed it was possible...to return the way she acted with him. Only he wasn't that kind of guy. Never been that guy.

If only she actually knew what he thought about her any time he laid his eyes upon her.

The air shifted between the two of them then and he couldn't manage to put his finger on what or why. Maybe it was that he was waiting for her to pull away, to retreat, to do something that would be more Meredith. Rather than actually being in the moment and looking up at him, almost as if there was something actually possible for the two of them.

Hope was a dirty little thing that he believed in, when it didn't believe in him very much.

Either way, he knew he wanted her.

Like he always wanted her. A switch inside of him that just made him desire Meredith, almost made him want to claw at himself just to have her. The passion that existed between them was raw and threatened to pull him down any time he was near her. Their night in the car only managed to make it worse. He knew what he was missing then, knew what she felt and sounded like, knew how much she enjoyed it. All raw and acting on instinct, something that moved through the air between them, causing both their breaths to slow.

He didn't kiss her. Not immediately. No matter how many times his eyes fell to her lips. Just stood there with her and watched, studied, tried to read her. There was something more bubbling underneath the surface. That much he knew. His gaze eventually tore for hers and he glanced down her body.

It told a story. She didn't shy away. He didn't expect her to.

He may have come to terms with the fact that he didn't actually know all that much about Meredith at all, but what he did know is she backed down from nothing. A survivor. Indestructible. Nothing could take her down. A quality that definitely drew him to her, made him want to know, to be a part of whatever, to see more than just the one she let others see.

A lot to ask, so he never asked. Instead he just waited and let her maneuver the pieces on the chess board that was life.

There was something about her that was more than just all of the whispers and the loyalty he found interesting. Never seen that before in a hospital. Hell, even out in the army it wasn't always like that. Sometimes people chose sides and you had to get over it. While the pair hadn't exactly been friends of any kind during her little patient attack. The way everyone seamlessly banded together. There was a reason. The way Amelia seemed to fall apart, the way he swore Karev was never outside of her room for long, and all the rest he didn't expect were worried.

It only made him think that there was so much more about Meredith Grey that he hadn't been privy to seeing yet. Sex wasn't meaningful. Not really in the grand scheme of life. Anyone could have sex. Anything else was a little more difficult to find.

She was not the easiest person to get to know, that much he knew, but there was a reason everyone liked her.

There was also a reason her name was on everything.

He just didn't think he was going to find the answer to either all that easily.

As his mind wandered at so much that he hadn't realized the way his hand moved along her side, taking the gentle touch he hadn't been able to take before. There was nothing slow and gentle, nothing about savoring the moment, nothing about learning anything but her body. His thumb found one of her scars and he immediately felt her tense, inhale sharply, but she didn't pull away. He took that as a sign that she wasn't against the moment.

"I gave part of my liver." She whispered.

Nathan didn't speak, only continued running his fingers along the scar that moved along her abdomen. His eyes fell, taking her in, briefly wondering the story. Another time. Instead he fell into another scar, closer to her hips.

"Appendix when I was an intern."

His hand rose and found an indentation. He already knew. Really, any surgeon would know what the scars were along her body. Typical of the area of certain organs. He might not have been a general surgeon, but when he was in the field it didn't really matter where his specialty was. He did what he had to do.

"Chest tube."

His eyes raised to look back at Meredith, who stared at him in return, a shaky breath falling from her. There was a certain intimacy the pair found as he allowed both of his hands to move along her then, tracing her body with his fingertips, feeling the shivers running through her. A hint of a smile found him. He could have kissed her then, but he hadn't. Not yet. He didn't want the rare moment to be lost, to where she thought better of standing there.

Without breaking their shared gaze she pulled her pants down just enough to expose the last of her scars. Slowly he allowed his finger to run along it as it extended upwards..

"My kids and my spleen."

Nathan didn't ask about any of them. Even if they all had a story about her to tell. It wasn't about asking, for one reason or another. Instead he just watched her and let her say what it was that she wanted to say. Her body was filled with scars, almost seemed jarring to anyone who looked at her, but he only found it interesting.

Everything he learned about Meredith only proved to be interesting to him. He just wanted to learn.

"Nathan."

Absently, he licked his lips, looking at her with a slight tilt of his head, expectation written all over his face. She didn't speak, only managed to pull him closer by his shirt, his hand resting on the side of her neck. They'd been there before. He imagined the moment all over again, wondering, wanting, waiting.

Desire burned through him and whatever moment he was hell bent on creating between the two was not of much importance. Not as his lips brushed against hers, feeling her leaning up into him.

Until the jarring sound of their phones going off pulled them apart, almost as if they were doing something wrong.

The last time he pulled away from someone that quickly was when he was a teenager, kissing the girl he shouldn't have been.

He had a lot of bad habits.

They weren't teenagers doing anything wrong. They were adults and were allowed to do anything they pleased. Even if they were keeping a secret they both should have been more open about. Only then it meant facing the reality of moving forward, truly moving on, which was a little harder if they weren't finding themselves in secret trysts.

One day they would come full circle.

One day they would both face the reality of moving on.

Until then they would be in the vicious little circle of hiding from everything that they were.

The pair both moved towards their respective phones and it took him by little surprise their little moment was ruined by the need to actually work. It was times such as those that being a surgeon was not his favorite thing in the world.

"The hospital." He said as he turned back to notice her pulling her shirt off of the floor. She looked so much better without it, he thought as he grabbed his jacket off of the bed and walked towards the door of the room.

They were back to the silence that hung so heavily between them as they walked back to the hospital in the cool night air. It was typical of him to have a million questions on his mind, but to ask none of them. Just as it was typical for her to not say anything at all, as if to pretend nothing happened at all.

When they entered the hospital the medicine inside of them ignited and whatever happened in the room was left behind. At least for the moment.

The Chief greeted them and it took all his effort to not roll his eyes. He rubbed him completely the wrong way and for as patient and as kind as Nathan could be. Some people in some moments tested that.

"The patient is stable, but you need to do the surgery now. We don't think he'll last much longer." His words were stern as he handed them an updated file with all of the stats and each a pair of scrubs. "I'll meet you in OR 2."

"Purple is a good look on you." He complimented as they walked down the hall to the OR after changing into their scrubs. It felt weird to be in a different color.

Meredith smiled, "Better than just the bra?"

"Not quite."

If anything his preference was her with nothing on. He just looked at her with a what he knew was stupid smile as they scrubbed in. The little moments, where her hair was braided, and the scrub cap was on, in scrubs that were clearly too big for the tiny little thing that was Meredith, were his favorite. They were good, right, almost. She led a complicated life and he knew it, but as the pair stood there, doing the work they were born and bred to do, nothing was complicated. It was easy. It was simple. It was nice. It was a moment he would hold onto until she gave him something else. If she ever managed to give him anything else.

For the first hour of surgery they worked in silence. It was comfortable, something that always managed to exist between them when it was silent. He didn't ever feel the need to speak, just that he wanted to. No matter most of the time she clearly didn't want to.

"Who'd you give your liver to?" He questioned, taking a brief moment to look at her on the opposite side of the patient.

Meredith paused what she was doing for a moment, as if she froze up entirely, only for her to continue doing her work without answering. He took it as a sign and focused his efforts back on the heart that was barely repairable. He could do it, it just would be a few longs hours standing there.

It took Meredith twenty minutes before she answered. "No one worth mentioning. He's not a part of my life."

A family member, her dad, if he had to guess. He didn't vocalize his thoughts, nor did he ask any further information. There were levels to pushing Meredith, he found. The different tones in her voice either made him push or pull. In that instance he pulled as they continued working in an almost near silence. Except for the sounds of Meredith's swearing under breath.

"He can't stay under much longer." Someone spoke.

"Well he has to." Meredith bit back.

There she was. Something deeper under the surface. The tone giving away that something was bothering her and as he stitched up the last of his work, stabilizing the heart, he knew it wasn't going to be pretty when they stepped out of that operating room. But he wasn't actually in the mood to bicker with her in the way he knew was coming.

When he finished he left the room and waited for her, standing right alongside the Chief that spent nearly the entire surgery

"She any good?" He asked, not removing his eyes from where Meredith was frantically working.

"Yeah, she's good. Best I've seen in a long time."

"We'll see."

"What do you have against her? You've hated her since the moment she walked through your doors."

"Her mother was…"

He didn't really know anything about Ellis Grey, not outside of a few tales. She was a great surgeon, but from the small things he did know...being a good surgeon didn't always make for the best person. What he did know was that he liked who Meredith was as a person, and he thought she was a damn brilliant surgeon. She saved lives and was good at it. A certain finesse to her technique that just couldn't be taught. It was like when he worked with Owen. They just clicked and flowed. They didn't need to talk...it just happened, and everything worked out in the end.

His eyes shot up at Meredith as she moved from the OR and didn't look happy.

"He'll need a new liver. You lied to me. You knew it was dead before I even went in there, and whoever does your charting should be fired. I have interns who can fill out a chart better than this. I managed to take out the spleen before it ruptured, but that liver. He'll be dead in 24 hours if he's lucky. He should have been on that transplant list the minute he got in here. But apparently you can't do your damn job."

"I invited you here because Richard Webber said you were as good as your mother." He replied, gaze hardening at her. "Clearly, you're not. She would have found a way and saved that man's life. He clearly did his job, but you...not so much."

"My mother wouldn't have told you anything different. She would have seen that the liver should have been dealt already. and proceeded to ask you why the hell you waited so long when you knew? She would then proceed to lecture you on how incompetent you are and why did you bother getting into medicine if you were going to kill people. She'd finish off by asking you why you wasted her valuable time when she could have been saving a life that had a chance to live. You don't get to tell me what Ellis Grey would say." Meredith fired off, only stopping to take a breath. "I did this as a favor to Richard and apparently my dead mother, so you can either put him on the damn transplant list, or you can call for another general surgeon who will be more responsive to vague threats and insinuations I'm not as good as my mother."

"Meredith." Nathan said softly, attempting to reach out for her but she was gone all too quickly, storming out of the room.

"You knew what you were doing." Nathan told the Chief. "Whatever problems you had with Ellis Grey, don't put those on her. It's not fair and you know it."

He didn't wait for a reply before he made his way out into the hallway to find Meredith, who was walking down the hall as if she was on some kind of mission. To distance herself from the royal ass he imagined. He'd only really seen her blow up a few times and it was always when someone struck a nerve. Derek was a nerve and clearly so was her mother.

"Meredith." He called out but she kept walking.

Nathan jogged after her and grabbed her by the arm, pulling her into an empty room. He ignored the huff that came from her and only managed to brace himself for impact.

"I'm fine." She said, folding her arms over her chest.

"I didn't ask."

"You're going to."

Maybe she was right...he was going to ask. Instead he just leaned back against the wall and watched her. "I always blow up at Chief of Surgery's when they talk about my mother."

"I don't perform miracles."

"I know."

"And to expect one...they happen. They don't exist. They aren't real. End of story." She spoke, her tone only getting louder. "And I'm not my mother. I'll never be my mother. I'll never have two Harper Avery's and I try to be a good mother to my kids. You...you don't need to check up on me. I'm fine. And we're not talking about my father because frankly, he made his choices a long time ago. I gave him part of my liver. No big deal. He probably wishes I was dead instead of my sister. We had a moment but the moment's over. Back to real life."

He listened as she went on and only had a thousand more questions he wanted to ask. Her sister was dead...he didn't know that. He wouldn't push. She'd tell him when she was ready, he assumed. If she was ever ready, and if she wasn't...well, then she wasn't.

"Come on." He said, pushing himself from the wall and walking over to the door. "Let's find something to eat and then you can yell at him and me a little more later. Pretty hot, if you ask me."

Meredith rolled her eyes. "You're buying me breakfast."

"Do I at least get a kiss?"

"Find me some good coffee and I'll think about it."


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Having him there...did something. Something that she hadn't felt in so long. Different from Derek, which was only further serve to scare her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My chapters are getting progressively longer and while I could probably cut a lot of stuff out, I really like the characterization aspect of this story. The entire reason, outside of shipping reasons, was to really explore them as individuals. That aside I feel like these first chapters do a lot of dynamic establishing, but they'll pick up a bit more with fun, dramatic Grey's esque stuff the week of in the coming chapters. I started writing this fic on a whim, but have now kind of figured out what I want so thank you for sticking through. Also, I would like to thank everyone for the support on this fic. It means a lot to me and I appreciate it so very much.

Meredith knew that she should have kept her guard up. She also knew what she was doing by not keeping her guard up. It was going to end up being some big mess in the end and more than one person was going to get hurt.

Somewhere along the lines it became less about Maggie and trying to keep her sister from the little web of lies she was tangled up in, and more about running away from her own feelings that she would barely admit to. If that wasn't selfish she didn't know what was.

Maggie was only an excuse so that she didn't have to deal with anything. Before her sister made her little admission to her as they watched Owen and Amelia get married she was struggling, but it was as if, in that exact moment, the universe found a way to give her some kind of out.

It was a piss poor excuse. Certainly when she didn't even fully take the out. She could have so easily shoved Nathan and Maggie together. Yet, she didn't. When everything came to light she knew very well just how awful she was going to look, but she couldn't bring herself to worry about that. Not when she was worrying about everything else. It felt as if Nathan was constantly on her mind and no matter how how hard she tried she just couldn't get him out.

She needed him out.

She was better at her job when they weren't anything. She remembered when they fought in the hospital, the way she told him on the stairs that they had to be work colleagues, and yet, she did everything she could to break that while they were away. As if the boundaries just didn't exist anymore.

They didn't, did they?

The two of them could just be and while it did nothing to help her little situation. It was nice. Something she could barely admit.

When the pair found themselves back in Seattle, however, all of it was going to change. There wouldn't be any moments where they were on friendly terms. She would avoid him and pretend that everything was fine. She would bury any brewing feelings as if they didn't exist at all. That was what she would do and it would be normal.

Not stolen moments where she wanted him in more ways than one.

None of it would continue.

For Maggie.

The only draw back was that she knew it would likely hurt Nathan. Everything felt as if it was bound to hurt him eventually. The closer the pair grew...and even if he said he could handle it...

Did she really want to be that girl?

Or was she already that girl?

She was the one who kept as much distance as she possibly could between her and Nathan, while still manipulating all of the little pieces so that she essentially got her way. She pushed him away, only to pull him back. She was the one who showed up at his hotel room looking for something more than whatever it was she ever looked for before. She wanted him. Plain and simple. Meredith wanted Nathan and she was playing dirty little games in order to make it possible, without actually making it possible.

It wasn't as if everything was going to be picture perfect when they went back to Seattle. No, it would never happen. If it did happen Maggie would have to find out and she didn't want Maggie to ever have to know. She was one of the few people she had a good relationship with. Amelia made her crazy, but Maggie...well, Maggie didn't drive her as crazy. As long as she wasn't going on and on about Nathan, which tended to shift her perspective a bit.

Meredith knew better than to do what she was doing but she did it anyway. When it came all blew up in her face she'd really have no one to blame but herself.

None of that stopped her with spending more time with him while they were away in their own little world. She probably could have found some excuse or gone to her own hotel room...even if she did end up leaving her bag in his. It wasn't like she was bad at excuses. Okay, they usually weren't the best of excuses, but he didn't seem to question her.

She didn't do anything other than walk with him down to the hospital cafeteria to find something to eat. She was starving and her little blowup made her feel like she needed a moment of distraction so he didn't ask her questions. Giving away personal information was not something she wanted to do, even with Nathan, who seemed to have a dark and rocky past of his own.

"I don't think you're going to find me good coffee here." Meredith finally spoke after too long a bout of silence.

"Probably not." He replied, holding the door open for her, "I'll just have to earn my kiss another way."

Meredith rolled her eyes and looked around to only see a few people in the small cafeteria. She hadn't spent much time in a hospital that wasn't her own, and when she did they were usually far larger. It was quiet and only made her wonder what that was like day in and day out. She'd probably be okay for a few weeks before she got too bored and was craving something more exciting to roll through the doors.

General surgery could have moments of a lull in which it wasn't that exciting anyway. Left her to be able to spend some time with kids, if nothing else.

"You've checked your phone like three times." Nathan pointed out, instantly pulling Meredith from her thoughts.

"Alex hasn't called."

"That's a good thing, ain't it? Means your kids are all in one piece."

"Or they are all dead." It was a joke, mostly.

"Someone would have called if there were four dead bodies."

"Eat your breakfast."

Nathan smiled at her as they took a seat at once of the small tables.

What passed for hospital fruit interested her little as she looked at him. She didn't have anything to say, yet, wanted to say something all at the same time. How was he so easy going? In contrast with Owen...how were they friends? Though that was like asking why Derek and Mark were friends, when they seemed to be so different. But she knew Derek's softer side, she remembered it well. She couldn't say she knew too much about the softer side Owen had. Not in recent memory, at least. After all, she was never the one that was married to Owen. Only a bystander as the years passed them by.

They both loved and lost and found hopes in new people.

Bonus points for her not wanting to kill him that time around with Amelia. She imagined he would have to do something pretty terrible for her to ever take the side of the sister she didn't actually want.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" Nathan question between bites.

"How long were you and Owen friends?"

His eyebrow raised, "A while. Long while. We became doctors together, joined the army. Time is different out there. One day seems so much longer than one day here. Karev is your guy, right? Been through everything and still remain standing. It was like that until...you know."

"Yeah."

"So what's the deal with you and Karev?"

"He's my person."

"Your person." Nathan repeated, sounding all too skeptical.

"We're the only two left from our class. Cristina and Izzie left and George died. He brought us Zola, he was there when Derek died, he was there when my kids were born."

"You ever sleep with him?"

Meredith laughed. "No, it's Alex. Ever sleep with Owen?"

"What? no."

She had to admit the look on his face was priceless, especially the way his eyes widened that if it was anyone else she'd probably question if he was telling the truth. "Well, I'm pretty sure you only asked because he has a penis."

"You think that little of me?"

"Right now. A bit, yeah."

"You two are close and you sleep with guys in cars."

Meredith rolled her eyes, but couldn't help the smile. Something about him made her smile even in the moments where she didn't' really want to smile. "Not guys, just you."

"Just me?"

"In recent memory." Not too inclined in letting him seeing her slutty past. "It's hard to be slutty when you have three kids, annoying sisters, Alex, teach a class, and head of general surgery that gets volunteered for out of state surgeries that are a lost cause."

A smirk came across his lips, "I'm always up for being slutty."

"Keep it in your pants, Riggs."

They continued to eat in silence, after he smiled, which she returned. It was comfortable, almost. She didn't feel the need to ruin it with any more conversation. She just...wasn't sure if he was going to ruin it. The comfortable feeling was something that she felt from the beginning. Even when it was something she didn't want to feel...it was still there and there was nothing she could do about it. Nothing she could do about it.

Meredith was supposed to hate him. It wasn't that simple.

Nothing was ever that simple.

Instead she didn't hate him. She wanted to be loyal to Owen, to keep him from slipping into his own dark and twisty place. She even promised him that she did hate Nathan on his behalf. He screwed up, there was no doubt about that. Only they all screwed up and she thought he was probably torturing himself more than either her or Owen could ever do. Then he had to go and be all good and charming, get under her skin, and leave absolutely no hope that she would be able to hate him without any complications.

She liked having him around and being around him. For all her moments pushing him away...she didn't know what to do. It was as if so many parts of her were screaming at once and she could only listen to so many of them.

But he brought her a peace.

When was the last time she felt peace?

When she had to go tell Bailey about Alex, it was Nathan she wanted to sit with her. They didn't even speak. The pair just ended up sitting in the dark, in silence, occasionally looking at one another as she made up her mind. Almost as if he silently told her that she actually needed to do it even if she didn't want to. It all ended up working out in the end, but just having him there...did something. Something that she hadn't felt in so long. Different from Derek, which was only further serve to scare her. Her distance scared her and if she was to put everything all in...she just wasn't sure it would work out in her favor.

Not when everyone she loved was gone, and Alex was in the very real danger of being gone.

Meredith wasn't sure how long she'd been staring at him but she couldn't help herself. Not in the way she was searching for answers as she searched his face. As if something magically was just going to pop out at her and she was going to learn all of the answers.

"What?" Nathan asked. "You keep staring at me."

"Let's go."

Meredith kept her eyes straight ahead as they walked down the hallway. She wasn't entirely sure where they were going. It wasn't their domain and hardly as if the pair could just go home and call it a day. Avoiding the Chief of Surgery seemed to be something preferable to her, but the hospital wasn't that exciting.

She was overthinking things and she knew it.

Being vulnerable and not having anyone to exactly talk it out with did her no good.

Sure, she could have called Alex and told him the whole story but they never really talked about Nathan in the first place. He was aware of their little escapade in the car and Maggie's feelings. Otherwise they didn't really talk about it or much of anything else. The serious things going on in their lives didn't exist in the moments and instead they spent their time focused upon the kids.

Given all of that she couldn't blame Nathan for asking about Alex. She knew how it looked, but what it looked like was the furthest thing from the truth. Something Jo never quite understood.

"I still owe you that cup of coffee."

"Later." Meredith told him, which was something of an improvement over no.

She clasped her hands in front of her as they walked down the halls, twisting and turning wherever they saw fit...wherever Nathan saw fit. She let him lead as her mind filled with things that she was at some kind of internal war with herself over.

Nothing was easy and everything was complicated.

A short breath came from her as she turned to look at him. Nathan was looking straight ahead and she only managed to catch his side profile. Sometimes it amazed her that she was in that stage of her life. Sometimes the reality that Derek was gone didn't really hit her until those moments. Where she looked over and saw the scruff upon his face, the way his hair was growing and that it was straight, or how much tanner he appeared compared to herself. He looked like a guy who had a whole life and he did. She knew that. He had a whole life before her. He had to be at least forty, but other than that she didn't know much of anything in the way of personal details.

Neither were big on sharing.

The army was all she knew and what happened with Megan. He knew loss and she assumed he knew traumas of other kind.

Something that probably subconsciously drew her to him. Something always drew her back, no matter how hard she tried to run.

"Alex is on this weird...family time thing...where we all have to spend as much time together before...he goes to jail." Not that Meredith thought he was going to jail, or maybe, he just hoped that he wouldn't. Alex was her person and the thought of losing her person wasn't sitting well with. "And so we're having Thanksgiving at my house. You should come. If you don't have plans."

"You cook?"

"Oh, no." Meredith laughed. "If I made dinner you would be dead."

"Do I bring anything?"

"Wine. We always run out of it." She glanced over him. "Don't get your hopes up because I guarantee you someone will be crying and someone else will be angry."

"My kind of night. Are you only inviting me because you think I'll be left out?"

"No," Meredith rolled her eyes. "I'm inviting you because it's a nice thing to do. Plus, April will be there, so even if things get all weird you have at least one friend."

"I have friends."

"Okay." As if she believed that one.

"The only person you ever talk to is Alex."

"I talk to Amelia and Maggie."

"They're your sisters."

"I talk to...Owen."

"Brother -in- law," Nathan countered.

"I'm friends with April."

"When was the last time you talked to her?"

"I asked about Harriet and tried not to judge her name choice."

Nathan smiled, glancing over at her as they walked. "It's pretty bad, isn't it?"

"Yeah, it's not good." She paused, "Callie and I hung out a lot, but she moved to New York. And well, I don't have any desire to be closer to any more Shepherds."

"Fair enough. I'll bring wine."

"And no flirting."

"I would never flirt with you, Dr. Grey. I am a professional."

Meredith stopped and looked over at him, crossing her arms across her chest.. "You flirt with me all the time."

"You came to my hotel room and took off your shirt, and were definitely five seconds away from jumping me again."

"Shut up."

Her words only caused a smug look to come across his face. "No flirting."

"No flirting." She nodded before turning away from him before her thoughts ended up getting the better of her. Walking and find some destination was a much better idea. Not that she didn't have self control. She did, but being in close quarters and able to remember how easily the way his hands felt across her body did very little good for her. Too little good, really, so much so she bit down into her lower lip. Almost as if she was some crazed, hormonal teenager. She was in her late thirties. She had three kids. She was a damn surgeon. Even with all that...something ticked inside of her.

"So who is all invited?"

"The attendings. Jo, Deluca, and Alex in one room seems like the worst idea ever, and I heard they were doing their own thing. We did it...my intern year. I hid at work. Derek and I had this patient who was in a coma. I swore he looked at me. We woke him up and it'd been so long his entire family moved on. He decided to the surgery, but he died."

"Wait, Derek was your attending?" Amusement was clear as he asked the question.

Of course that was the one piece of information he decided to harp on. "I didn't know he was my attending." She thought about explaining, but decided against it. "We're supposed to talking about holidays...not how I met my husband."

"Owen didn't know that I was with his sister and so we sat through a whole dinner with his mother looking between us. Mothers know. Anyway, an error in judgement led to a moment in the shower, which ended with Owen punching me in the face...while I was naked. It's no dead patient, but my good medical stories are good Army stories, not Thanksgiving ones."

"Does owen always punch you?" She teased.

"It seems that way." Nathan smiled.

"Do you know where we're going?"

"Nope."

Just then they ran into the Chief who handed her the phone. "For UNOS. I don't want to see either of you again unless it rings. I don't take kindly to be yelled at and humiliated in my own hospital, but you're here, and Richard assures me you are two fine surgeons. Maybe we actually have a shot at actually save this guy."

Meredith grabbed the phone and smiled. "Yes, Chief."

"I have never seen anyone with a more fake smile in my life."

"Well, I could apologize, but…" she trailed off for a moment, "I don't want to."

Spotting the on call room she was glad. It'd been awhile since she last actually had the chance to sleep. Given that she was actually without her kids for the night she should have slept, rather than seeking Nathan out. Not that they got very far before being paged and pulled into the surgery. He entered the room first and sat down on the bed, his back against the brick wall, Meredith moving and taking a seat next to him.

She looked over at him almost to ask if it was okay, to which she just got a puzzled face. "I can move."

"No, I like it."

With her legs stretched out in front of her she placed the phone in her lap, looking down at it.

Meredith wasn't exactly a big fan of waiting for the magical phone call. Sometimes it never happened and other times it did. She did a lot of transplants outside of her normal surgeries, and no matter how attached or detached she was from the patient...it never got any easier. Sitting there with Nathan did seem to help quite a bit.

Another moment to reinforce that she did like having him there.

"Do you think they'll make it?" His voice questioned and broke the silence that hung between them.

"Who?"

"Owen and Shepherd."

"Maybe," she shrugged. "Maybe not. As long as she stays out of my house."

"What's the deal with you two?"

She shook her head. "Not telling that story."

"You don't wanna make out. You don't wanna share. Should we just sit here and stare at each other in the dark?"

What was worse than her budding feelings was the fact that he had so many moments when he was right. "She talks so much about things I don't care. Do I care about sex with Owen? No."

"She... talks too much." The words fell from him slowly, in a little too judgemental of a manner for Meredith to not make a face at.

"She's annoying."

"She's annoying." He repeated, not losing his tone.

"She's Derek's sister." She was exasperated and things with Amelia made her tense. "We're not sisters because of Derek and she thinks we are. She want to have this magic bond where we're best friends who share everything like actual sisters do. She just showed up and then things with my marriage..." She looked over at him, her eyes searching his face for the fifth hundredth time that night. "My marriage was falling apart and then he died. It was a rough year and I couldn't deal with her. I did some things that she'll never forgive me for, and she's said some things I'll never forgive her for. We're not compatible and I like her better out of my house."

"What did you do?"

"Nothing I'm apologetic for." It was a bold statement. She was certain that half their fighting was because she never apologized for it. Not properly, not in the way Amelia wanted. That moment was the hardest moment of her life and she didn't think she owed anyone for it. "I don't hate her, but we do better with space. She's Owen's problem now."

"I don't think he sees her as a problem."

"Yet." Her shoulders shrugged again. "I give it six months."

"What happened to being happy for them?"

"I am happy for them. You asked about Amelia."

"It's called getting to know each other."

"What happened after Megan?"

Nathan stayed quiet and she was pretty sure that he didn't want to answer her. "I stayed out there for a while to look...do anything. I wasn't trained like a soldier, I'm a surgeon, but I didn't care. Nothing really happened. I took some leave. They made me take some leave and it was a bad couple of months. I don't think I need to explain that part to you."

"You never tried to make it right with Owen." She pointed out.

"Did he tell you that?"

"No," she shook her head. "Owen came here when he was on leave, and after he was discharged he got a job here. Then spent months terrorizing my best friend." Okay that wasn't fair given he had PTSD, but he didn't have to know that.

"Alex?" He questioned with a raise of his eyebrow.

"Cristina."

"I didn't, no." He turned away from her and his gaze focused on his hands.

"Why not?"

"I knew better." His voice was soft. "You saw him after five years. Owen would have beat me to a blood pulp in the lobby with no regret. Then I heard Altman was around and well, I wasn't going to deal with that shit show."

Meredith laughed. "It wasn't that bad."

Nathan's entire demeanor changed near instantly, a smile finding him, just as he turned to look at her.

"It made me hate him. We could have formed a hate squad. Though I'm almost positive Derek would have hated you."

"I'm very likable." His words were slightly on the defensive, but paired with a smile and too much charm for his own good.

"He hated Owen for existing, but then you'd be privy to all the bad shit that happened to me and no one wants that."

Nathan nodded, "I think going back helped. Gave me the answers I guess I think I needed. I'll always wonder what happened, but...some sense of closure knowing for myself she's gone."

"I left Seattle after Derek died. I couldn't be in that house. It was too overwhelming and after I realized I was pregnant…." She didn't regret it, even when she thought about how worried Alex was. Everyone really, but it was Alex who called her multiple times a day, every day for the entire duration of her pregnancy. She understood exactly what Nathan meant when he said it helped. For her, getting away helped, to put distance between herself and him. She didn't need closure. She knew exactly what happened and in a way, she was lucky. There wasn't a shroud of mystery.

"You came back."

"I came back." She repeated. "Then I met you and I hated you. Sometimes," she kept her eyes on him, "I still hate you."

"You don't hate me." Confidence was found easily in his words.

"I hate…" Meredith paused, "that I don't hate you. I want to hate you."

"See." His head turned, leaning into her. "You can stop fighting at any time."

Meredith glanced over at him, leaning back into him without even really thinking about it. "It's too hard."

"Moving on or something else?"

Briefly her eyes to fell to his lips, only to be paired with the shiver running down her spine. "All of it." Meredith thought about kissing him. In truth, she thought about doing a lot more with him, to him, so much that there was a small smile she could feel coming over her. It was all part of the reason she found it so very difficult to be near him, when she thought about him it was rarely in super platonic terms.

"I can't do this with you."

"Why not?"

Meredith looked down, but didn't move from where she sat near him.

"Is this about Maggie?"

She didn't look up.

"Or Derek?" He asked again.

Meredith allowed for her gaze to raise at the mention of Derek's name. It was different. Her new life was without him and all of those moments were gone. She was never going to get them back and if she ended up getting Alzheimer's she would lose them completely. A sad state of affairs. She had her children and little things that kept him alive, but he was gone. He was gone and she had moved on. A little. As much as she actually could with him. She kept him near but pushed him away. She wanted him but she was scared. She needed him but couldn't have him. It was a circle.

It wasn't about Maggie. The only thing that made it about her sister was that she managed to keep it from her. If she didn't tell her then it wasn't real. Even though she told alex, but he didn't mention it again and she didn't really want to talk about so they left it alone. It still wasn't really. Even when they were so close she could feel his breath, smell him, make her recall all of the times that he had his hands all over her.

"You're the first person I've ever seen a future with." Nathan's voice interrupted her thoughts.

Meredith didn't look up, only ran her finger along his arm. "You hate commitment."

"We're not getting married. You won't even let me kiss you."

Meredith smiled. He was right. She didn't let him kiss her. She didn't let him do anything. She shared bits and pieces of her life with him, but most of the time she did her best to keep as much distance between them. Only she did invite him to Thanksgiving, which would surely be innocent in the eyes of everyone else. It was innocent...mostly. Not entirely. Part of it was her keeping him close, but not too close.

"It took me a long to even think I could move on. I loved Megan so much and I messed up. She's gone and I can never repay for my sins. So I devoted my time to the army. I spent some time in Iraq and then I stayed in the Middle East, atone in a different way, I guess. No amount of lives or time is going to bring her back. It took me a long time to understand that and some days...that miracle dream. It feels so real, like it could happen. And I get it, if you're not ready. Meredith, I get that better than anyone else ever could. Just tell me. I'm not an asshole."

Meredith rested her forehead on his shoulder, processing his words, glad that she didn't need to look at him. "I…" But her words were put on hold when her phone rang, specifically with the Alex ringtone. Without moving from her position she moved to answer the phone. "Hi. My kids are alive?"

"Yeah, yeah." Alex answered. "They're alright. how's it going?"

"Um," she bit down on her lower lip as she looked up at Nathan, who for the first time wasn't smiling. "Waiting for UNOS To call."

"You coming home today?"

"Maybe. UNOS or death, whichever comes first. Are you doing alright with the kids?"

"If you mean your house looks like a war zone, yeah. They're alive though."

Meredith rolled her eyes. She could so clearly picture the mess. "And the lawyers?"

"I'll look good in orange." Alex shrugged.

"Alex, you're not going to jail." She told him in a far more serious tone than she usually had with him. Meredith didn't care that it was a very real possibility, she liked to act as if it wouldn't happen. The mere thought of losing Alex did nothing to settle the millions of thoughts that plagued her mind when she was putting on a brave face.

"It's whatever. Adults, gotta live up to our mistakes right?"

"Just...don't talk like that okay."

"Yeah, whatever, Mer. How's it going with Riggs?"

"He's annoying," she smiled the entire time, "but it's not that bad."

"Mm," Alex rolled his eyes.

"Don't mm me."

"Call me when you get in."

"Don't get yourself in more trouble and tell my kids I love them." Meredith hung up the phone after Alex agreed and looked over at Nathan before sliding off the cot. "We need space. To not...do that."

He looked up at her and opened his mouth to say something. Only no words came out. Instead he managed to slide off of the cot and follow her out the door.

The hallway was better. Much better. It was bright, rather than the darkness of the room, but most importantly, it was a public space. Meredith didn't have to worry about having her control slip, if only for a moment.

"So where are we going?" Meredith asked as they walked down the hall, as aimlessly as they did before.

"Meredith. Where your sense of adventure?"

"Sorry I left it at home."

The grin on Nathan's face spelled nothing good, but she didn't stop him. She only followed him until they reached the double doors, to which he pushed through and they landed themselves outside.

"It's snowing." Nathan said when he walked out, smiling. "I can't remember the last time I saw snow." He held out his hands as and watched as the flakes fell, before melting directly into his hand. He looked over at Meredith, "This is amazing."

"You're shivering." She said as she came to stand next to him.

"It's fucking cold but it's snow." He glanced up at the sky with a wide smile.

Meredith thought he looked ridiculous but smiled right along with him before she let the flakes fall onto her hands. It was a side to him she hadn't exactly been privy to seeing before. He was like a kid and so happy. Normally she would describe Nathan as a pretty happy guy. People didn't really get under his skin. She sure as hell didn't. The only person who seemed to do just that was Owen and they had years of painful history between them.

"I lived in Boston as a kid. The first time it snowed I went out there. My mother was busy working but I didn't care. I played and played and played until I was too cold and too tired to play anymore." She shared, smiling more at him than the snow itself.

"I haven't seen snow since before I enlisted." He walked around and stuck out his tongue to catch the falling snowflakes on his tongue, more so than his hands.

Not much of the snow was actually sticking to the ground but that hardly stopped her from taking the moment when he was too distracted to gather some up and throw it at him. "Oops." The grin was mischievous and she enjoyed every second of it.

"Meredith Grey, is this you having fun?" He questioned before throwing one at her.

The pair chased one another in the snow and threw balls of snow and ice, mixed with dirt and everything else. If anyone was watching them they certainly didn't look like surgeons. They looked like kids who were taking the opportunity before it left them. At least until his arms wrapped around her and the both fell to the ground laughing, laying in the snow mixed with things she didn't really want to think about.

"My kids would love this." She looked up at the snowflakes falling on them, leaning into Nathan. One of those moments where she took what was offered, knowing her mind would tell her otherwise soon enough.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Ellis is still way too young, but Bailey and Zola. They'd chase each other until they ended up in a mess on the ground. Kind of like this..." she whispered, looking over at him. "It won't be like this, you know."

"Like what?" He whispered as his hand brushed against her cheek.

"Happy." She said softly. "Where we're just lost in this bubble that shouldn't even exist. Owen will give you black eye and Maggie will never speak to me again. Alex is going to jail and Amelia will probably end up living back in my house, and for kicks, someone will probably die. So this, the sex, the laughing, and the snow. It's a fantasy. Don't get attached to it. It'll be gone the minute you think the universe doesn't suck that damn much."

"Have you ever thought maybe the universe isn't as fucked up as you think it is?"

"Everyone I have loved except Alex and my kids are dead. My husband, my sister, my mother, George, Mark. They all died and everyone else left. Even Callie found happiness somewhere else."

"Be honest with your sister. Alex isn't going to jail, and Amelia and Owen will work their stuff out. And as for as a black eye, nothing will be as the bad as the time Owen found out about the cheating."

"Fantasy." Meredith sighed as she moved herself from him and walked back inside. She didn't want to talk. She already felt as if she had given too much away with him. Instead she searched the Chief, ignoring the way Nathan called her name. Probably to convince her, but when she set her mind on something it rarely ended up changing.

"You two can go home now."

"What happened?" Nathan asked.

"Coded, died. Nothing any of us could do." He was stern. "Thank you, but your services are no longer needed."

After that there was nothing left for them to do but go home. She avoided talking as much as she could. Each time he tried to start a conversation she ignored it, acting as if the distaste for him had returned. It didn't. She thought that he would have to do something pretty crazy for her to ever have that kind of distaste again. Instead she just let them exist and finally, he stopped pushing. She vaguely wondered just what he was thinking, but didn't take the risk in asking.

It wasn't until they were back in Seattle many hours later, with nightfall upon them once again, that she let herself even look at him.

"Do you want a ride?" Nathan asked as they stood in the parking lot.

"I can just call Alex."

"You're the most stubborn woman I've ever met." Nathan shook his head and it was easy to see the frustration was building. Lack of sleep. "It's late and I have a car, and I know, shocking, I can drive."

"Fine." Meredith replied as she rolled her eyes. She followed him to his car and put her bag in the back before getting into the car, looking over at him as she put on her seatbelt.

"Fancy car."

"Oh, there's judgement."

"No, I just didn't think you the type. Army, middle east relief work, brings bacon in box. You're very low maintenance." She shrugged. "Derek would like it."

"Was he high maintenance?" He asked, looking at her out of the corner of his eye.

"A little. You have one of those bachelor apartments, don't you?"

"I'm a bachelor." He pointed out as they left the parking lot.

Meredith didn't reply, thinking it would transition to a subject about his apartment she didn't want to get involved in. "Don't take me home yet." She blurted, not entirely sure where it came from, even if not going home yet had been vaguely on her mind. Even if she was pushing him away since the very moment the pair were on the ground laying in a mix of ice and snow, she wasn't entirely ready to let go of their little stolen moment. None of it was romantic. It was different. They were there because of work and nothing else. It wasn't as if any of it was planned by either party in order to get to know one another. Still, she wanted to extended it just a little. Until she would walk into her house and reality smacked her right in the face with little to no warning.

"Where do you want to go?"

"Hungry?" She asked.

"Yeah, sure. What do you want?"

"I want a milkshake."

He smiled. "Coming up doctor."

In a city like Seattle it didn't take them long to find just the food she was looking for, which ended up being nothing healthy. Though that didn't really matter much when she got pizza after work more times than she actually wanted to admit, to herself or anyone else. It was when they drove to a nice overview did it seem better. Just a few last quiet moments with food that was better than anything that could be found in any hospital. Big or small.

"Does this count as a date?" He teased as he looked over at her, popping a fry into his mouth.

She didn't even need to look in order to see the damn grin he surely had. "Well, you did pay for the food."

"And I'm letting you eat in my car."

Meredith smiled and leaned back, propping her feet up on the dashboard, looking through the little opening in the roof. It was a quiet and dark night. She enjoyed it. Just being there with him and stealing a few french fries from him, which she promptly dunked into her milkshake. She was still entirely certain it was nothing more than a fantasy but she was willing to give him a little more of the fantasy.

"What was Megan like?"

"Fire." He shrugged, a barely there smile. "She's not like Owen, not really. Loud and fun. Always had a comeback for everything you said. She was funny." His voice got quieter as the words came from it, clearly holding back a lot. "Was Derek anything like Amelia?"

Meredith stole a french fry. "It's the Shepherd way. Overbearing and loud. He was arrogant and expected the world out of you. He was the most charming and caring guy I've ever met in my life. Romantic and simple. There are a lot of words I could use to describe him." And none of them seemed right. How was she was supposed to explain Derek? Probably in the same way she expected him to describe Megan. Nothing either of them said was probably accurate. "We called him McDreamy."

"Mcdreamy?"

"He was dreamy and not at all unpopular. April was totally in love with Derek."

"Keps?" He laughed.

"Before Jackson. She like worshipped him. It was funny. He was Chief of Surgery before…" She couldn't bring herself to mention anything about that day.

Nathan looked over at her and she could feel his eyes on her. "He sounds like a good guy."

"He had his moments." Meredith smiled, grateful for the change.

It was something she actually quite liked about him. Nathan never expected her to share anything and when she didn't he just found something else to talk about. She expected way more out of him than he did her. She wanted to know things and had no problem looking at him until he gave her some kind of answer. It was something that built a connection near instantly, and their continued conversations only ended up building far more of a solid foundation.

But letting herself think of how close they were getting brought up a whole different set of questions.

Instead the food and the clear Seattle night sky captured the rest of her attention. The small talk they made was nice, but really, the moments of silence that caught them were the best part.

Comfort.

It was the only way she could describe it.

He continually brought her comfort she hadn't felt since Derek was alive. It was something she didn't even know she missed and it was as if the more she got it, the more she wanted it.

A drug she couldn't do without.

An hour passed before she knew she couldn't stay out any longer. Alex would likely call her and wonder where she was and while he was certainly more understanding than Maggie would be, she didn't want to push it. That and she did actually want to see her kids. She wasn't away from them for very long, but she did miss them very much. Her daughter wasn't even a year old yet and Meredith had to think it was the longest time she spent away from her little girl since her birth.

Not that any of them actually helped hre to immediately get out of the car once they were parked outside of her house. The lights were off and she assumed that meant everyone was asleep.

Her eyes found his in the darkness of the interior, fighting more wars with herself. It was frustrating. She knew what the right decision was. She knew what the right decision was from the very beginning, but she always managed to find some excuse.

She was running out of being able to use the excuses without seeing herself as a bitch.

"I'll tell Maggie." She whispered finally, getting out of the car. The three words forcing herself into a corner she couldn't back out. She told him so she had to tell her sister, right?

No backing down.

Time to face the music.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You can fix a guy and he can be dead the next day. You can fix a kid and then a bomb goes off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers if you're not caught up to 13x09

Nathan knew what he wanted.

Mostly.

The growing feelings he held for Meredith had their moments of scaring him. It was difficult for him to not think of Megan and what happened, all the mistakes he made, and the loss he endured. It either got pushed away or rationalized in one way or the other. A way to cope so he didn't actually have to think about the impact she had on him.

Other times it was as if everything was crystal clear. A hope brewing inside of him that made him think everything was going to be okay. He knew what he wanted. He wanted to be closer with her and to follow the path that was laid out before them. He believed in it. He didn't know have all the answers. He didn't know what the future held. No one did. Perhaps there was a chance it was all going to end in awful tragedy, or maybe it would work out. Nathan couldn't know and he didn't try to know. Instead, he did his best to cling onto the idea that something would actually work in their favor. They each had their demons to fight.

Through everything he considered it progress. The ability for them to move forward, even when she pulled them back almost as quickly.

He could recognize the fear inside of her. It was inside of him for so very long that it threatened to undo so much of his life. Losing people left scars and scars only healed up until a certain point. You could stitch and staple a wound closed, but when it healed, the skin was smooth and new, entirely foreign to what was around it, a visible mark of something that happened. Over time they faded but they never did disappear completely. No matter how much you tried to get rid of them.

They were with you forever.

Meredith was full of scars, figuratively and literally. Each time she opened up to him it was as if he got a little piece of her that made the whole picture a little easier to see. Pieces of himself could be seen inside of her. Common threads that tied them together. It was what drew him to her from the very beginning. Something he hadn't quite found the answer to, not yet.

It was because of that he managed to see the way in which something was constantly pulling her back.

Derek.

It had to be Derek and for that...he understood. How could he not? After losing Megan it was hardly as if he was willing to find himself connected to another so easily. He was not going to push her just because he wanted something.

There weren't a lot of times in which Megan was far from his mind and even jumping in with Meredith scared him. He made a lot of mistakes and while he grew from them...it was hard to convince himself that none of them were going to happen again. He had no intentions of cheating on her, but she very well could die. From what he knew about Meredith she'd been through hell and back. He could have just brought her pure hell.

Being back in Seattle almost gave him a reality check that things weren't actually going to change no matter how much he might have hoped they would. Maybe in the future, but they would remain stagnant for the time being. Until Meredith decided to tell Maggie...what could he do? Not much. He really did not want to do anything. Instead he gave her time and focused on his work. Just like he'd been doing when he first got there and absolutely no one besides April was friendly towards him.

Something that seemed to be a good idea with the new consultant walking around. The idea in his head that any of them could be fired, and well, given he was a damn good surgeon who turned down the Department Head at Duke to go to Seattle he didn't think he was in real danger. Not that it stopped him from being careful. Not with Arizona's words in his head about how run of the mill Cardiac surgeons were.

How run of the mill were Cardiac surgeons who spent a decade in the middle east?

Nathan shook his head to himself as he walked down the hall. He really didn't want to focus on the changes being made to the hospital. Not that it really worked out for him when he was slammed into by no one other than Meredith herself. His hands immediately found her arms to steady her, eyes falling down to her own.

"What's the rush?" He asked.

"That stupid consultant. Comes into my OR trying to tell me how to do my job. Comes in and tells me I won't even notice she's there. Guess what? It's really hard to not notice you if you never stop talking…" Meredith fired off. "I taught the girl who killed my husband. I am Head of General. I teach that damn cadavers lab to stupid residents so they don't kill patients. She walks in like I'm the hospital's problem. I have streak of saves longer than most people in this hospital."

The anger came off of her in waves and he took a step back. "And you were yelling at Webber because….?"

"His residents...or I don't know." She glared at him and folded her arms.

Subject changed seemed the best. "Want to hear something funny?"

Meredith tilted her head at him and walked past him.

For a moment Nathan stood there as he didn't know whether or not he was supposed to follow her. He did it anyway and stopped when she was standing at the nurse's station, looking over a chart, and occasionally glancing over at him as if she expected him to just start speaking.

"Keps joined tinder, which apparently half the hospital is on."

"April?" Meredith laughed, looking over at him briefly. "April 'I love Jesus' Kepner?"

"The one and only."

"Wouldn't take her for the type."

"Had quite a few matches from the way her phone was going off." He said as he leaned his elbow against the counter, looking over at Meredith.

"Good for her." She said as she set the chart down. "Jackson is pretty, but other fish in the sea or whatever."

"Maybe I should join."

Meredith didn't reply, only looked at him with a raise eyebrow.

"Hey," he took slight offense, "someone might want to date this. Pierce did, in case you forgot."

"You're not joining that. Because if you do I'm really not ever saying yes to the date I know you still want."

"You're not saying yes now."

"I invited you to Thanksgiving...at my house."

"With all the other attendings." He dismissed.

"Not all."

"Technicality." Nathan waved off. Only he didn't move away from her, even as she went back to focusing on her chart. Instead a small smirk managed to find him, leaning into her ever so slightly. It was a moment in which he had a hint of an edge and he knew it. "It bothers you."

"it doesn't." She shook her head, not looking at him.

"The idea of me with someone else bothers you. That poor nurse never had a chance against you."

"She's better off. You're not that good."

"That's why we had sex four times in your car. because I'm not that good. I'm awful, terrible. You couldn't get enough."

She let out a breath before she looked over at him with a serious expression. "Yes, exactly."

Not that he bought anything for a moment. Not when he had a few memories he fondly kept in his mind. "Have you been with anyone since?"

"Wanna know a secret Nathan?" She whispered as she handed the file to the nurse. She only paused for a moment before brushing right past him, close enough to whisper in his ear. "You don't always need a man."

Oh, she knew how to play a dirty little game. None of the thoughts on his mind were anything innocent as he turned and watched her walk away. He did his best to not seem too obvious as he lingered upon her. Tried to seem as if he was innocent when he was around her, no matter how he was anything but innocent when he was stealing glances.

Not his fault she was hot and a hell of a lot different from any of the women he ever met before.

Moments later he got a 911 that took him from his thoughts about how hot Meredith Grey was and instead focused on actually doing his job. His job that ended up pulling him into a surgery that took up the majority of his day. His patient didn't die and he was grateful for that. Exhausted. But when he managed to save a life it was all worth it.

All he wanted to do was grab his stuff and go home. Sleep. His bed was the one thing he wanted.

One of the attendings came out of the room and he smiled before walking in and seeing Meredith. She was changing her shirt as he turned to grab his stuff out of the cabinet. "Do you always change in here?"

"I'm late for the stupid board meeting." She huffed as if she was a teenager.

"Any more run ins with Eliza?"

"Nope. She found someone else to torture." She said as she grabbed her jacket. "Was that you?"

"No, I think it was Pierce and Webber." He shrugged. "Better than me."

"Glad I wasn't on that one."

"How do you think this will go down?" Nathan asked.

"Someone will probably be fired. Always are."

When Meredith walked out of the room he easily found himself following her. "Is there a story there?"

She glanced over at him as she put her hair up. "Couple years back we merged with Mercy West. April and Izzie were fired."

"Keps? Really."

"Made a mistake. Got fired. Derek rehired her when he became Chief. Just don't make a mistake. You'll be fine." She assured him. "Plus, they can't fire. My name is on the hospital."

"When do I get that story?"

"Goodnight, Dr. Riggs."

After parting with Meredith he found himself at home and actually managed to sleep. At least before he was woken up by a page that he needed to check up on one of the patients. He was used to not sleeping much in the Middle East. There was usually some kind of emergency or something that kept him awake. Whether it was his problems in his relationship with Megan or the fact that he spent most of his surgical career in war torn areas where sleeping was the least of his problems.

Not long after a quick surgery he went to the cafeteria to grab something to eat. After not seeing anyone he actually knew he took a seat at one of the tables. When Meredith joined him, he was confused. Their friendship was something that was new and not anything that was usually so public, like her joining him in the middle of the cafeteria for everyone and anyone to see.

She was far more low key than that.

"Amelia just showed up last night." Meredith spoke as she took a bite of her food.

"At your house?" He questioned after a few moments.

"Something about the sword falling with Owen or whatever. I give it a week before she's a full time resident at my house."

"What happened to being happy for them?"

"I'm happy for them when they are actually happy." She defended. "Not when Amelia is all depressed and moping around my house like her marriage is over."

"They were trying for kids."

"What?"

"Hunt and Shepherd. They were trying for kids." He shrugged. It was kind of weird to know something about them given how at odds he and Owen were ever since he arrived in Seattle. They actually managed to find some way to be friends with one another. Or at least they were moving towards being some kind of friends.

"She thought she was pregnant. She wasn't."

"Rough"

"It takes time." Meredith shrugged as she made eye contact with him. "I was on fertility drugs for a year and it still didn't happen. Not everyone gets pregnant on the first try."

Another piece of the puzzle and it was such an odd piece of information. Not one he had to ask about or one that would make him know her more than already did. Just something he knew, which was nice. Just a little tidbit. "They'll work it out."

"They better my house is cramped with four adults and three kids."

"You could force her to deal with her marriage."

Meredith shrugged. "I'll give her a week before I tell her to deal with her marriage."

When he looked up he noticed Maggie walking over and joining them at the table. He briefly looked over at Meredith who had a steel face. He determined that there was no one could swallow their feelings and secrets quite like Meredith. Kind of admired it, if he was being honest. Not that Nathan exactly had much trouble lying on the spot. Not with Maggie at least.

"I can't teach. I suck. I'm terrible. I don't fail at things and I'm in a teaching hospital unable to teach." Maggie rambled out and looked over at Meredith.

"Don't look at me." Was her reply. "I was taught by Derek and Webber."

"Ugh. not fair." She looked at Nathan.

"No," he shook his head. "Don't drag me into this." He didn't want to be involved so much that he shoved some food in his mouth just so he couldn't talk. Kind of like he was a kid.

"Why don't you teach the cadaver lab?" Meredith suggested.

"I'll probably make them hate me."

"See one. Do one. I'll give you some time with them and you can figure it out. Plus, I need to sleep before I die."

It was written all over Maggie's face just how uncertain she was about the whole thing. "Let Riggs do one."

Meredith shook her head, pointing her plastic fork at her sister. "You need the practice, he doesn't."

"I'm his boss." Maggie pointed out.

"You know," Nathan interrupted them both, "he's right here and he can hear you."

"And I own the hospital." Meredith ignored him and kept her eyes focused on Maggie.

"If only I knew about my invisibility powers sooner." Nathan mumbled to himself. He was actually quite amused by the whole thing, and the whole sister banter was interesting.

"Do you think she's gay or Callie bi?" Arizona asked as she put her tray down at the table and joined them.

"Who?" Meredith questioned.

"Eliza." She answered and looked over at the girl.

It only took a few moments before the entire table was looking at her. Not for the first time. It seemed whenever she was walking around the hospital all of the attendings and residents were looking over at her. As if she was going to end up firing them all if they didn't gawk at her like they were kids and she was the mean teacher.

"My name wasn't on the list because my face is not one you forget." Arizona quoted in a voice that amused the whole table.

"Smooth." Maggie said.

"You're the lesbian." Meredith looked over at Arizona. "I ride the penis train. Big fan."

Nathan choked on a piece of food. Whatever he was expected Meredith to say that wasn't it, and it certainly didn't help him think less about anything that happened in her car. Inappropriate thoughts when sitting at work with a table of coworkers was the worst. "Wrong pipe."

"I miss sex." Maggie said with a sigh. "Deluca was good, but that…" Her eyes drifted over to the intern in question before briefly looking at Nathan.

That didn't make him feel any less awkward.

"Oh, we're talking about sex." Amelia spoke as she took the last empty seat. "It's been like three days. No sex. I miss Owen but we're not talking. He has the best -"

"We know." Meredith interrupted her before she could finish. "He's gifted."

Now that was not something Nathan needed to hear and something that only made him slightly jealous. Of things that were not 'gifted' related. He turned to Meredith. "You and Hunt?" He questioned as evenly as he could. Doing his best to not sound like he cared one way or the other. He just hoped the girls were oblivious.

"Amelia and Owen had sex on my couch."

"He was just right there for everyone to see." Maggie added.

"Is this how Alex feels all the time?" Nathan asked after he managed to feel better.

"Probably." Maggie nodded.

"Maybe you should talk to Owen." Arizona offered.

Amelia shook her head. "I'm not talking to Owen."

"All you do is talk." Meredith countered. "Like all the time."

"Well I'm not talking now." Amelia replied and focused on her food.

It only caused Meredith to roll her eyes, Arizona to focus on Eliza, and Maggie to look at her with a face that Nathan couldn't quite read. He felt like he was missing something in that moment. Things were obviously complicated between Amelia and Meredith, but he didn't know the full story. Probably never would.

"You can't date people you work with." Arizona said and broke the awkward silence that settled over the table. "Can't marry them either."

"Work relationships can work." Amelia defended.

Arizona looked at her. "Name a couple still together."

"Derek and I were together until he died."

"You two were even speaking." Amelia blurted.

The glare on Meredith's face was not one to be missed. "He resented me from keeping him from DC and then another woman answered his phone. I had valid reasons not to talk to him. And then he died. He's dead. Go work out your crap before Owen drops dead."

"Wow okay. That's convincing." Amelia looked at Meredith. "Hey, go work out your problems in case your husband dies. I'm sold."

"I think what Mer means is to work it out before it becomes something you can't work out." Maggied offered.

"The sword fell." Amelia shrugged.

"Whatever it is Owen comes around." Meredith said. "He loves you for God knows whatever reasons. Oh, don't glare at me like that. He loves you and you guys can work out your problems. You're not moving back into my house. You have your own house with your own husband. Go make babies and be all gross."

Amelia didn't reply and instead focused her gaze elsewhere. Their phones all ended up going off before the topic of conversation could turn.

"Incoming traumas in the pit."

It was one of the few times that Nathan was actually grateful to have something distract him. He suddenly had a newfound respect for Alex having to listen to that more often than he did. Also kind of made him thankful for his friendship with April. She talked a lot, but she talked their conversations were a lot less...all over the place.

It did happen to amuse him, if nothing else.

The traumas ended up taking most of his time. Most of the time he was happy to focused on his work and it gave him more time to process the little things he learned about Meredith. He had questions but he also knew whenever he actually tried to get anything out of her she went the other way, and acted as if there was nothing for her to share.

It took him a few days before he managed to actually run into Meredith again. He was either in surgery or actually taking advantage of the day off he'd been given. "Hi."

"Hi." Meredith greeted as she looked up briefly from her phone.

"You said that your marriage was falling apart before your husband died. Did he cheat on you?" Nathan asked rather bluntly as he looked over at her. In truth, he didn't expect actually get much of an answer. It was invasive and not the same approach he took before. He took the chance, seeing as how the two barely knew one another when she asked him about what happen with Megan.

Meredith pointed to the chair. "Sit." She let out a breath. "I'm only telling you because Amelia brought it up."

"You don't have to."

"I know. Now sit and shut up." She paused. "Derek received a job offer from the President and he didn't take it, because I refused to move. I had to stop being Derek Shepherd's wife. We fought every day. Every time we were in the same room it's like we were fighting. He got the job offer again and he took it. Things were better, but still pretty bad. I didn't want to be with him, but I didn't want to leave him wither. I let time pass. I had 89 good outcomes in a row and I called him, because I thought he should know." Meredith smiled. "A woman answered his phone."

Nathan didn't speak as she told her little story. All it proved to him was no relationship was perfect. Sometimes when he spoke of Megan it was as if there was some fairytale, but when he looked back at their time together it was messy. They were happy, but they were also anything but happy. If they had gotten the opportunity to find themselves married who knew how it would have ended up. He cheated long before that happened and while he regretted it every single day...he knew why he did it.

"Everyone assured me he didn't. When he came home...he told me she meant nothing. I ignored it. I chose to believe he wouldn't do that, but I'll never know the truth. I didn't believe him when he told me. Then he died and I can sit here and spend my life wondering whether my husband cheated on me, or I can just focus on the good parts. I choose to focus on the good parts." She paused and looked up at him, her eyes threatening to give away every emotion she was burying. "Derek was married before me. Once you've been the mistress, it's hard to believe it won't happen to you when another woman answers your husband's phone."

Part of him wanted to ask more questions. Like what actually happened when Derek was married to his first wife, what actually made her the mistress, and everything else in that little story. He didn't. Instead his own gaze fell to his hands, which were clasped in his lap. He knew that he owed her nothing in return but that didn't stop him from wanting to tell her something in return. He was learning little by little from her, but she knew even less about him. He was aware of that.

"Every relationship has it's problems. Megan and I were no different. Not that my cheating on her was something I'm proud of or have an excuse for. I should have either fixed it with her or ended it. I didn't. She got on that chopper and I never saw her again. Shepherd reminds me a bit of her actually...the humor, the talking. Not so much everything else." He paused, looking over at Meredith. "This is the longest amount of time I've spent in the States since Owen and I joined the Army. You see things over there that are just unimaginable. Life or death. More than just on the table. You can fix a guy and he can be dead the next day. You can fix a kid and then a bomb goes off." His gaze tore away from Meredith again, doing his best to keep some semblance of composure.

Meredith stood and walked over to Nathan. "Do you want to get a drink?"

"Yeah, that'd be nice."

In truth, he didn't really know where he was going with all that he told her and there was only so much talking that he wanted to do. Those little moments where they each opened up were painful for them both. Nothing fun and nothing he wanted to deal with. Grabbing a drink was much more preferable. The pair ended up across the street and sitting in the bar.

"So what do they think you're doing?" Nathan asked.

"Paperwork."

"That's the worst excuse."

"I know." Meredith shrugged and took a sip of her drink.

"Not to gloat or anything, but you asked me here."

Meredith looked at him and he couldn't read her at all. No idea what was going to end up coming out of her mouth or what she was thinking. She hadn't moved from her seat, but she didn't look like she was going to reprimand him for his comment either. Instead she kept the eye contact she nursed her drink, Nathan all too easily mirroring her actions. It was probably the closest thing to a date he was going to get so he savored it. Even if he did want to kiss her. He knew exactly where the line was and didn't cross it.

He'd only cross it if it was something she wanted him to cross.

Until then the too long exchange of their gazes and drinking together was what he would take.

"You and Owen getting along better?"

The sound of Meredith's voice pulled him from the near trance he held with her. "A bit, yeah. We'll probably never be best mates again or anything, but he talks. I listen."

"About kids."

"He was watching Harriet. Told me and Shep were trying."

Meredith nodded. "And now they're having problems."

"Told you."

"Oh, shut up." She rolled her eyes.

"Two months and they're having problems. You can't tell me you think they're gonna last."

"Pessimist."

"Realist." He corrected.

"Then your realist self should know this is not going to be some picture perfect romance."

Nathan finished the rest of his drink before setting the glass down on the bartop. "I don't think this is a fairytale, Meredith. We're not getting married. It's a drink and some sex."

"You got your drink."

One step forward, ten steps back. It was all he could think as she stood and started to walk towards the door. Nathan stood and left some money for the bartender before following her own, jogging to catch up to her. He wanted to say something but he didn't know what to say. If he pushed too much any movement forward they made would probably go away, so he didn't. Instead he walked alongside her until they made their way back to the hospital parking lot.

"Owen." Meredith said.

Nathan offered something of an awkward smile to him when he noticed his former best friend, hoping he didn't ask too much of why the pair were out there together. They were friendly, but not friends.

Owen looked between them but didn't say anything about it. "Is Amelia at your house?"

"I think so." Meredith nodded, "it's where she's been lately."

"I've been calling her but she doesn't want to talk."

Meredith offered him a sympathetic look. "It's Amelia. She'll come around."

"I should leave her alone, right? But we're married. I just don't want…" Owen trailed off. "What are you two doing out here?"

"He was updating me on a patient." Meredith answered before Nathan had the chance.

"Pierce and I switched cases." He paused, looking between them. "I should go. You can talk. Goodnight, Dr. Grey." He lingered on Meredith for a moment too long, offering a smile. One last glance was given to Owen as he walked towards his own car. He vaguely heard them talk again, but wasn't really in the mood to listen about whatever problems were going on between Owen and his wife. It wasn't his place.

Just like with Meredith he didn't want to actually push the growing friendship between he and Owen.

Nathan decided to give Meredith space. If she wanted to seek him out then he would be there, but until then he wouldn't bother. He didn't want to be the guy that came across as pushy. It was the last thing he was. He liked her and liked spending time with her, but he just how complicated the situation was between the two of them, and everyone else in the hospital.

Instead he spent most of his time focused on his work. He took any surgery that he was needed and felt like he worked more days than he slept. It was what he liked though. It almost reminded him of his life before he moved back to Seattle. It was nice to be somewhere where he knew things weren't going to go terribly wrong, and less patients died, and he could actually sleep, but sometimes the rush was gone.

Life or death wasn't the same in a hospital.

After finishing his third surgery of the day he found himself in the attendings' lounge in desperate search of some coffee, only to spot April there.

"Dating is hard."

"Not going so well?" Nathan asked as he poured himself a cup.

"It's fine."

"Wow Keps. I've never been so convinced in my life."

"I live with Jackson and he's supportive." She elaborated. "Too supportive. It's weird. He offered to watch Harriet so I could go out tomorrow."

Clearly he was missing something. "And?"

"Nothing. I should just go right. I'm hot and stuff."

Whether she was trying to convince him or herself he didn't really know. "You should go."

"I'll go. He's kind of boring."

"Avery?"

"No," April laughed and shook her head. "The guy."

"Then find a new guy. I heard that thing go off a million times."

April rolled her eyes. "You seeing anyone?"

"No, but you already know that."

"No Maggie?"

Clearly she was fishing for information and after spending nearly a year with April he knew when she was looking for information. He did want to tell her about Meredith, but he stopped. The more people that knew the more likely it was going to travel to all the wrong people. The last thing he wanted was for Maggie to find out and for Meredith to hate him for it. Even if lot weighed on his conscience about he should have told her the truth in the parking lot, rather than telling her he wasn't ready to date anyone. "Does everyone know about that?"

"I overheard and Owen?"

"I'm really not dating Owen." Nathan grinned at her before he took a sip of the coffee that tasted like dirt.

"This conversation isn't over but I have to go feed Harriet."

Nathan only had enough time to finish his coffee before he was paged for another surgery. Seattle seemed to the place of never ending heart problems. It didn't help Maggie mentioned something about having the day off and it was essentially just him.

The rush of near endless surgeries was good, but exhaustion found anyone. Especially when it came to filling out all of the paperwork and trying to get the interns to take care of the patients. Everyone had to start somewhere, didn't they?

After getting a report from one of the nurses on his patient he noticed Meredith walking to the station. He had half a mind to leave to give her more of her continued space, but he didn't. Instead he stood there and looked at her out of the corner of his eye.

"Do you ever…" She paused, taking a step closer, leaning her arm on the counter and seemingly looking anywhere but him. "see Megan?"

Out of the many things that could have come from Meredith...that one was not anything he was expecting. He also didn't really know how to answer "Sometimes. Little moments here or there when something reminds me of her." It sounded weird and it was weird. "It happened a couple times in the Middle East. Not so much here." But he expected that to be a common occurrence for Meredith. Derek worked there. She loved and lost in those very hallways. "Do you see Derek?"

"Not as much as you would think." She answered, swallowing and refusing to actually look at him. "It's like something has to trip my memory before I think about it."

"So what happened?"

The look on her face made it seem like she was going to run in the other direction rather than actually answer him. "I remember telling my kids when Derek died."

Nathan nodded. For all of the loss that he found himself through, he never had kids. He never actually knew that kind of pain and having to break the hearts of kids that one of their parents was dead. Something he was grateful for and hoped he never had to do the same thing.

"When I started out I was Neuro focused and I was with him a lot."

"Why'd you switch to General?" Clearly she was right when she said it was a long story.

"I don't think you want to know that story."

"I don't think you want to tell it."

"What are you still doing here?"

Nathan didn't push. She'd tell him if she wanted. "Emergency in the pit. Pierce said something about your kids being sick and taking the day off."

"Ellis."

"I've spent most of my day in surgery, except for talking to Keps for five minutes." Nathan shrugged. "Your patient turn out alright?"

"Yeah." Meredith pulled off her scrub cap. "I have to sleep before I die."

"Go. Sleep."

Meredith smiled before she walked off.

Things were quiet until the building collapse. Just when things were quiet and you entertained that thought it all managed to fall apart just as easily. It did make him able to actually talk to Owen, and destroy whatever picture perfect image he had of him. He felt guilt over what he did, but mostly, he felt guilt over the fact that Owen was always a better man than him.

For so long he thought Owen would never make the mistakes he did. Then suddenly, the glass ceiling was shattered and he saw the flawed person he was. They were both guys who made mistakes and everything changed. It was not going to erase a good portion of what he felt over what happened with Megan, but it did manage to make him feel as if Owen was less an ideal in his head, more an actual person.

It was the first time in a long time it seemed as the two could be friends.

After Owen telling him he was going to go home he decided to do the same. At least until he saw Meredith. He had half a mind to ask her if she wanted to grab a drink but the look on her face said something else entirely tomorrow.

"What's wrong, Meredith?"

"Nothing." She dismissed and brushed past him, clearly a woman on a mission.

"Meredith." Nathan called after her only to move after her.

"Leave me alone."

"No."

Meredith stopped and turned to him. "Alex wants to take the plea deal. Two years. He'd have a felony and he'd be gone for two years. Everything he built would be gone." She told him, only to run her hands over her face. "I have to stop him. He doesn't realize what he's doing his damn career for a girl who wants to punish him. I left him a voicemail, but…"

"You have to let him to do this own."

"No, he'll lose everything he's ever worked for. You don't get Alex. You weren't here. His family is a damn mess. His wife got cancer and left him. His girlfriend tried to kill herself in my kitchen. He was there when Derek died. He was there when I had Ellis. He's a good doctor who made a mistake and if he pleads guilty...he spends two years in jail and loses everything. There's no coming back."

As she went on she became more and more distraught, incoherent. It was something he never saw before in her. Something he never hoped to see. "Meredith, you need to breathe."

Advice she chose to ignore. "It's just us. Everyone else is gone or dead. It's just us and I can't be the only left. I can't. I can't be the last survivor." For as hard as she tried to keep herself in control she was quickly losing it. "My kids love him. I know he loves Jo, but he can't do this. He worked so hard to build this life and to destroy it. You don't throw the fight. You get back up. He has to know that."

"You have to let him do this. You know that." He whispered softly and reached out to brush the few fallen tears away.

"Nathan, let me go."

It was his turn to ignore her. "I know what he means to you, but you can't do anything. If he wants to protect Jo you have to let him. You have to support him."

"He's all I have left. I can do it, but I need him."

"What do you plan on doing? You can't take his place, you have three kids to think about."

Meredith was silent as she looked at him and tried to regain some semblance of composure, her breath steadying, at least as much as she could manage. "I don't know if I can do this."

"You can. I promise you can."

"Everyone is gone and if he's gone, too. I can't..."

"You can," he reassured. "I know you can. You have me. I'm not going anywhere. You have your sisters. You're not alone, Meredith. I promise."

"It's not fair." She whispered. "It's not fair my sister is dead. It's not fair Derek is dead. None of this is fair. No matter how hard we try, what we do...everything is just ripped away."

"I know."

"He's better than this. I know he is."

"Hey, look at me." Nathan whispered. He hated seeing her like that and hated the way he was powerless, yet, knew that there was nothing any of them could do. He didn't know Alex all that well, but what he did know was that if Meredith had as much faith in him as much as she clearly did standing in the hall with tears finding her at the threat of losing him he had to be a good guy. "You told him all you can. You can't go in there and take the fall for him. If he chooses to take that plea you have to let him. It hurts and it sucks. The world is unfair, Meredith, but this will not break you. You can do this. When I said you seem indestructable I meant it. I can see your strength. Be there to support him. If he takes it, you will be there for him, and if he chooses to fight you will be there for him. But it's his decision and deep down, you know that. You're scared, but don't let that rule you."

Meredith looked up at him. Watching him as he spoke the words out. She relaxed, just barely.

It was an odd feeling...to want to make things better for her when they were essentially nothing. There was no obligation. They were just two surgeons who were in and out of things that brought them together and tore them apart.

Not that he had long to think about it. Not when the sound of her inhaling sharply hit his ears, and her lips found his.

Oh, how he knew it was a bad idea. From the very second they found themselves kissing he knew it was a bad idea. They weren't exactly hidden from anyone's view either. Not as she pushed him against the wall and he kissed her back. Less desperate desire like before, less trying to find an outlet. It was comfort then and he knew it. It was comfort in the way she fisted her hand in his scrubs to keep him there, comfort in the way she just stood there and seemingly didn't care about anything but then in that moment, and comfort in the way he returned the kiss and the way he didn't move his hand from her.

Bad timing, bad everything, and something he knew he needed to stop. He couldn't just be some source to make her feel better when she needed to feel better. She was upset and he was a better guy than to just take what he wanted because it was a moment of weakness for her.

"Meredith, stop." He breathed pulling away from her lips just enough for them both to stop. "You know I enjoy this very much, but not like this."

"I should go." Meredith pulled away and turned her head, only to stop there, something clearly capturing her attention.

Nathan looked what she was focused on and saw Maggie. Well, there went either of them actually being some kind of mature adult and telling her. The look on her face was enough to cut through glass and give him a year's worth of guilt.

"I came to see if you guys could join us for Webber...but I see you're busy." She spoke as her voice broke.

"Maggie wait." Meredith said, walking towards her.

"No, don't." She stepped backwards, putting her hands up to stop them both.

"Maggie, please."

"I have to work." She shook her head. "I can't believe you lied to me after you promised." Maggie just walked the other way and Nathan knew not to her follow her. Talking in the heat of the moment never got anyone anywhere. The heat of the moment put Megan to her death.

"I have to go." Meredith said as she pulled away completely.

"Meredith." Nathan reached out for her but she only moved faster.

"Nathan, please. Just don't. This was a mistake."

For as much as he wanted to follow her he knew better. Instead he only offered one last thing as she walked away. "You can call me if you need anything."

He didn't expect her to call him.

Had no idea what to expect now that Maggie was aware that they were lying to her about something.

The whole truth would come out eventually.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She just needed to be Meredith Grey and figure out what the hell she wanted.

It was being alone in her house that seemed to bring Meredith to the most self aware place she could ever remember being in. The silence forced her to actually think rather than use a distraction as an excuse to ignore the many thoughts inside of her mind. Something she always preferred to do and even then, as she sat there with her hands in her lap, staring out to the living room before her, she wished it was something she could do.

Her kids were fast asleep after giving them dinner. A struggle that seemed endless in recent nights, yet, they were all fast asleep without crying for her. The one time she would happily take the extra moments with them over the peace and quiet she almost never found.

She hadn't changed out of her clothes from the day. Still in the white dotted shirt and black jacket that made her feel extra motherly somehow. Better than the turtleneck everyone failed to tell her it was a bad idea. Her focus on the clothing options she chose only surviving as something of a distraction from all the things that plagued her, and all of the things that she didn't want to think about.

When would she get a sense of peace again? Not that she was sure she ever experienced true peace. With the way things unfolded it seemed less and less likely. Another moment of her managing to destroy everything around her. She couldn't blame anyone but herself. She was the one who kept the secret from Maggie. She was the one who told Alex she would be fine. She was the one who leaned on Nathan time and time again, who kissed him in a very public hallway, and who simply allowed herself to get in far too deep with a man she knew she couldn't really have.

Because really, she couldn't have him even if all of the pieces aligned, could she?

Not when Maggie was so hurt from it. Nathan clearly wasn't aware of how deep Maggie's feelings went, but she was. She knew everything. She was the one who sat there and listened as she spoke of him near endlessly. Of course, she wasn't always that nice about it, but that didn't mean she wasn't listening. She was listening and hoping that things went down a different path, but they never did. Instead of telling him that nothing could ever happen she seemed to only want him more, all too unwilling to let him go. It'd been so long since she relied on someone in that way.

It was different from Alex. Alex was her friend and family. He was someone who'd been there from the very beginning and knew all of her deepest, darkest secrets. He was the one person she could lean on without feeling as if she was suddenly going to expose too much of herself. He could do the same for her. A different version of Cristina that she just couldn't do without.

For all Alex could give her there were just some things he could understand and given the recent position he found himself in the last thing she wanted to do was put more on him. He didn't need to deal with her problems, as well. It only made it all that much easier to pretend that none of those things were even happening and that whatever was growing between her and Nathan was something that was just a secret for the two of them.

He was an outlet. Different from the people she already knew. He held his own darkness and his own pain. She knew it connected them in a way and she wasn't ready to break the connection. She had to, but she never did. She leaned on him and she wanted him.

That was the worst part of it all.

How, as she sat there on that couch, with so much happening and all she could really think about was how much she wanted him closer. He didn't even need to speak in order for her to enjoy whatever moment they got. Whatever it was she wanted it wasn't as if she was going to get it. Things did not really work out in her life.

Instead of wishing she focused on all of the too horrible things that went on in her life, and wondered if she should have been drinking instead. The obvious answer was yes, even if drinking alone was something that was quite depressing.

She didn't move as she sat and decided to wait for Maggie...there was a hope that she would actually get to explain herself. Not that there were any good excuses and all of the little speeches she thought of were likely going to truly burn the bridge between the two of them. If the person who walked through the door happened to be Alex she would consider it a miracle.

Not that she was naive enough to think Alex was actually going to walk through those doors.

He wanted to protect Jo for whatever reason. Meredith wanted to protect Alex, or at least have Alex think about himself for once. He needed to actually think about all that he was giving up. It wasn't just about two years in prison...it was throwing everything he ever worked for away. Once he took the plea deal there was nothing that could be done in order to undo everything.

What kind of life was he going to make for himself? They couldn't have a doctor who had a felony under his belt working in the hospital with the doctor he had assaulted. Parents wouldn't want their kids in the hands of someone like that. She knew just how good of a guy Alex was but when it came to their kids most parents were just going to take the word of someone.

The hospital didn't need more bad press. She sounded too much like a board member then.

If he fought it then there was a chance that he could get off on the charge. She wondered what kind of person that made her to wish that Deluca got screwed in the end? Probably the kind who pushed away and complained about her sisters at any given time. That kind. Mostly she'd been doing her best to avoid everything completely. Work became her main focus as she tried to avoid Nathan. She tried to avoid Alex's problems but he was pretty ready to talk about them. The only thing she managed to avoid was Amelia and Maggie, which were both readily living in her house.

Or were.

She didn't really know where either of them stood.

Alex was her main focus. One of her main focuses, at least.

Her mind ended up drifting to Nathan more times than she could count and she had half a mind to call him. No matter how times her finger hovered over his name in her phone she didn't. She knew what to do. Deep down Meredith always knew what to do no matter that she rarely actually made the decision to do that.

Three kids and a rocky past didn't make her as wise as it probably should have. If anything it seemed to make her far more prone to making mistakes that got her in binds that she just couldn't figure a way out of. Not without creating more of a mess.

But the more she thought on it the more she seemed to move in circles. At least until the knock at the front door pulled her from her thoughts completely. When she rose from the couch and saw it was Owen on the opposite side of the door, leaving her puzzled.

"Is Amelia here?" He asked.

Meredith shook her head. "No." She was entirely sure that wasn't the answer that he wanted to hear, and the way he exhaled proved as much. She'd seen that look on his face before. Long time ago. Something that felt like it was near a lifetime.

"She's gone. She left. Me."

"What?" She couldn't hide the puzzled look on her face as she moved to let him in her house.

As Owen walked through the threshold she took the letter he handed her. She kicked the door shut behind her as she read it. Meredith was quite surprised to see that Amelia actually left. Gone. Mostly, she found herself worried about Owen, which easily told her where her loyalties lied. She watched as his marriage to Cristina fell apart, she watched as he struggled to move on when Cristina left, he saw the ups and downs of what he already went through with Amelia. He deserved more than to have another marriage fall apart on him.

Meredith watched as Owen walked over to the seat on the couch as she took a moment to call Amelia. Not that she answered and not that Meredith expected her to. It was difficult to wrap her mind around...the fact that Amelia just left. For everything that happened she managed to stay, but instead, she was gone. What could have happened between the two of them she felt she needed an out? A question she could probably answer if she ever bothered to listen to her.

"What happened between you two?" Meredith questioned as she took a seat next to him.

"I don't know. One moment we were trying for kids and the next she's just screaming she doesn't want a baby. She's not talking at all. She just shut me out. Then she's just gone. She took her stuff and left."

"She'll come back."

Owen looked over at her. "How did this happen to me twice?"

"I don't know, Owen. I wish I had an answer for you." And she did. She really did. She couldn't imagine what would make her leave. It wasn't just her marriage she left behind. It was her family. It was her career. The only thing she hoped was Amelia wasn't spiraling out of control somewhere. They had their differences, but the last thing she wanted was for something to actually happen to her.

"She doesn't want to be found. I should just…"

"I'll call her sisters. See if they know anything."

"Thanks." Owen nodded.

"But you can't go all dark and twisty. I'm hogging all that."

"I'm drinking your liquor then."

"You and me both."

Seemed like they were both going to need it. Meredith got them both a drink and just found her seat back on the couch. It wasn't exactly typical of her and Owen to ever just hang out and drink, but she didn't really have anyone else to talk to. That and she didn't really want to be alone. A common theme in her life. Through everything she never actually wanted to be sitting there in silence and mulling over all her thoughts as if they were going to give her some magical answer. They never did.

But when she opened her eyes after taking another sip of the tequila she loved way too much and saw Alex standing there before her, dropping his stuff on the couch...she could barely understand that whatever was right before her was reality.

"You guys could have at least waited for me." Alex said as he plopped himself right in the middle of Meredith and Owen.

Meredith tried her best not to smile, but it didn't work out. She only handed him the bottle. "Could have been waiting two years."

"Well now I'm here. I didn't take the plea. It's whatever."

The importance of the entire thing wasn't lost on her and she was ever so grateful to actually see him. "Thank you."

"What's Hunt doing here?"

"Amelia's gone." Owen answered before taking another swig.

"Gone gone?"

"Gone gone." Meredith confirmed. "I already called her."

"Yeah, well she likes me more than you." Alex said and pushed himself off of the couch to call her himself.

Both Meredith and Owen watched as he called, only to get the same result as they each did. "I'll try again later." Alex said before taking the bottle from Meredith's hand and taking a long sip of it.

If someone told her that the night would have ended with both of her sisters gone or mad and she would have been drinking in silence with Alex and Owen she would have laughed at them. She had half a mind to call Cristina and show her the mess while filling in all of the little details. When both the boys were drunk and passed out on the couch she might. Until then she was happy focusing on her tequila and wondering when Maggie was going to show up.

Not that Maggie ever did. Meredith ended up dragging herself off to bed while Owen found himself resting on the couch for the night, and Alex took back his room since Amelia was gone for the foreseeable future. By the time she actually got downstairs the next morning Owen was gone and Alex was rushing her out of the door.

"Come on, Mer. The kids were faster than you this morning." He called as he unlocked the car door.

Meredith rolled her eyes as she got into the car and adjusted herself. "I can come by after my surgery this morning. It's no problem."

"Don't worry about it. You don't need to be there. It's just opening statements."

"You don't have to do this alone. I'm here for you." She said as she looked over at him.

"Nothing is going to happen and you need to fix your crap with Maggie."

"She's not talking."

Alex rolled his eyes. "So make her listen to you. Tell her you're sorry or whatever. Actually try and sound sincere."

"I will. Don't give me that look. I'll apologize. I shouldn't have even told you."

"But you did."

When the car stopped Meredith was all too happy to get out of the car. "Don't crash my car."

"Don't kill anyone."

With a roll of her eyes she shut the door and found herself walking up the set of stairs. Only to see Nathan coming out of the corner of her eye. She wasn't surprised when he came and walked next to her.

"You okay?" He asked.

"Alex didn't take the deal. His trial starts today."

"You gonna go?"

"No." Not that she sounded all that convincing and really, she did want to be there to support him. "Alex said not to worry about it and he has my car."

"You can take mine."

"Do you just let anyone use your car?"

"Nope." Nathan shook his head, a smile finding him as he looked over at her. "That's why you should take the offer and say 'thank you, Nathan. I appreciate it.'"

"You're going to milk this. aren't you?"

"Oh, totally." Nathan nodded as he opened the door for her.

Meredith rolled her eyes as she walked through the door. "Thank you, Nathan. That's all you get."

"You're welcome, Meredith." He took the keys out of his pocket and tossed them to her. "I'm already late. Try not to keep me stranded her all night, yeah?"

"I make no promises."

Meredith took the keys and dropped them into her bag as she moved to the check the board before changing. Her one surgery turned into two, which wasn't unusual. Most nights she would go home and the next day she would go into work to find her surgeries piling high with both hers and whatever Bailey thought she could handle, only to not be able to handle it in the end.

After changing she took one of the interns in and worked on her first surgery, which went well. It was the second surgery that ran into a complication and caused her to be in the operating room for an hour longer than she wanted to be. It was the traffic that caused her to be a lot later than she wanted to be. Even if Alex said she didn't need to be there...she wanted to be there to support him.

Plus, sometimes getting what happened out of him was near impossible.

Given she was a doctor and not a lawyer...she found it all too difficult to really find out what was happening. One moment it seemed fine and the next moment it didn't. If only she could know what the people on the jury were thinking. In the end, it was them who would make or break Alex's case. She'd been there with Callie before.

Guilty or not guilty.

Nothing anyone could control.

"Are you doing okay?" Meredith asked once the judge called a recess for lunch.

Alex shrugged. "What happens happens. Nothing we can do. How'd you get here?"

"Riggs let me borrow his car."

"He let you borrow his car."

"Yes." Meredith crossed her arms. "He let me borrow his car."

"Guys don't just let you borrow their car for no reason."

"I'm not sleeping with him."

"I didn't ask."

"You let me borrow your stuff." The argument was thin but she couldn't help herself.

"Because you force it out of me. Plus, you've already seen my junk."

"True." Meredith nodded. "Not interested."

"If I was a lesser man I'd be offended."

"Too bad you're a good guy then. A good guy who is going to come out of this not guilty." Meredith reinforced before her pager went off. A heavy sigh came from her. She loved her job but in moments when she needed to be elsewhere she didn't love her job that much. "I gotta go. Are you going to be okay?"

"Adults pay for the crap they do."

"You're gonna be okay."

"Just go. I don't need you to hold my hand." Alex waved her off.

Meredith looked back at him for a moment before walking off and made her way back into the hospital. A bad day for her to need to do an emergency surgery and spend half the day in the OR. Her focus taking so much time everything around her seemed to fall around her. Including the fact that she forgot she had the keys to Nathan's car until she saw him standing in the hallway, looking at her with that stupid smirk, on his face.

"I meant to page you." Meredith tried to hide the sheepishness in her voice but probably failed.

"It's only been about an hour."

"Sorry."

"How'd it go?" He changed the subject.

"Court or surgery?"

"Both."

"Patient's living and Alex is…." Meredith shrugged as she filled out the tablet with updated patient information. "He's Alex. He's not going to let me be there and he is going to insist he is fine. He is not fine and I will be there. We will drink a lot of tequila and this will all be over sooner rather than later."

"Have you talked to Maggie?"

"No," she shook her head. "I'm avoiding her."

"I'm glad I pissed off my boss. It's made for a great day."

For that she gave him a sympathetic look. "I should have told her."

"We should have."

"This is not a we."

"We're not a we but there were still two people in that car. So, we, should have told her." Nathan said. "And may I remind you you kissed me last night."

"Error in judgement." She said as she handed the tablet to the nurse. "The whole thing has been a giant error in judgment that's ruined everything."

"Am I just an error in your judgement? Get bored and sad find Nathan to make yourself feel better for five minutes. You know how to charm the guys don't you, Grey?"

"That's not…"

"I have to meet Owen."

Meredith knew she messed up the very moment that the words came out of her mouth. If she hadn't she could clearly see the look on his face. She'd been doing her best to keep things...moving. She wanted things to end differently, but it never seemed that they did. She didn't want them to end at all actually. The words came out of her mouth and they were wrong. All wrong. Timing was the problem. Not him.

"Nathan…"

"Can I have my keys?

"They are in my bag." She said, turning to look at him. "Nathan can you just stop."

"What? You know you've put me through Hell because you were Owen's friend and then we're here. I never know if you're...into me or if this is some...I just don't know." He put hands up and just turned around again.

"I'm…" Meredith ran her hands over her face. The logical thing would for her to go after him, but when did she ever really do the logical thing? "Goodnight."

Meredith stood there until she knew he would be gone. She just didn't want to deal with him and Maggie. Everything was a mess and on some level she was probably pushing him away for a reason. Only she didn't want to think about any of that. Instead she focused on getting her stuff and meeting Alex downstairs. Home. She wanted to go home.

"You look like hell." Meredith said as she got in the car.

"So do you."

"I screwed everything up." Something she didn't want to admit to but did anyway. She was grateful when Alex didn't ask more. Probably because he had his own stuff to deal with.

"Drink?"

A drink sounded perfect and was what she intended on making a b line for the tequila only to see Maggie sitting on the floor playing with the kids. Maggie looked up at them both but didn't say anything. She couldn't tell if she was mad at her and Alex, or just enough for her. Probably just her.

"Maggie.." She started but the minute she did she got off of the floor and picked up Bailey, grabbing Zola's hand.

"Tonight you're going to put to bed by Aunt Maggie. Sound good?" She asked the kids, looking at them.

"Yes!" Both Bailey and Zola said at the same time.

"Good. Say night to mama."

Meredith smiled at both of her kids and waved. A long day that turned into a late night where she didn't get to spend any time with her kids. "I'm going to bed." She said and ignored the way Alex called her name as she made her way up the stairs to find Ellis. All she wanted to do was hold her baby.

Quietly entering the room she grabbed her daughter from the crib and took a seat in the rocking chair. Her kids brought her a peace no one else could. Not even tequila managed to make her think anything was okay. When she looked down at them it was easy to realize that she wasn't completely screwing everything up. She was doing her best.

"I hope you have your daddy's brains. And his hair. But his brains." She whispered as she slowly rocked them both in the chair. Ellis didn't even stir as she spoke. Sweet little girl. "There's a guy who is not daddy and mommy is scared and tired, and ruined everything with Maggie and Nathan. Mama doesn't know what to do." Her hand brushed over the blonde hairs on her head. "I like you because you don't talk back."

Meredith just sat in silence for a little while and held her daughter. Only to end up falling asleep in the chair until little Ellis stirred and Meredith put her back in her crib before making her way to her bed. The exhaustion was something she was grateful for so she didn't need to overthink anything. Instead she barely made it out of her work clothes before falling asleep.

After that her days felt as if they fell into a little routine she wanted nothing to do with.

She went work. She made sure Alex was okay. She tried her best to be there for him. He never let her. She avoided everyone and anyone.

Her kids were her main focus and she just told herself that was where she needed to be. She didn't have time for all of the little extras. It was true, in a way, but she could also feel the misery setting in. Meredith had never been the most open of people, but she also knew that keeping everything bottled up inside of her didn't do her any good.

She tried talking to Cristina but they were in a never ending cycle of voicemails.

She loved Alex, but she wished Cristina was there, too.

No such luck.

It was the day before Thanksgiving before she felt the pressure starting to be a little too much. As if someone could drop a pin and the whole world was going to end up exploding. With her luck it was something that was very possible.

"Stay at work. I don't need you there." Alex told her as she was getting out of the car.

"Alex."

"No, look I need you to fix things with Maggie. With Amelia gone she's the only sister you have, and figure out whatever you want with Riggs. Because he seems an alright guy who is into you. I don't know what's going to happen and neither do you, but you can't just avoid everything until it's too late." He paused, tapping his fingers on the steering wheel.. "You think after this long I don't know what it looks like when you're scared."

Meredith half stepped out of the car until she heard Alex's voice again.

"Izzie wasn't my one true love and Derek wasn't yours. Because there isn't just one. I blew it with Jo, but don't blow with this guy because you're worried about something that might never happen."

"Bad things happen." Was the only rebuttal she had and hated how well he read her.

"Yeah, bad things happen. But if I go to jail. You need people and right now...I'm all you've got."

"I'll be fine." Meredith didn't bother to listen for Alex's reply. Instead she slammed the car door and walked into the hospital. She kept her tradition of not bothering to actually talk to anyone. Instead she focused on her surgeries and made sure she only had a bit of time to actually get something to eat. She knew how petty and childish it was, but sometimes Meredith could be just that.

At least until she got paged for a consult and there went her lunch break.

"Shepherds' run." She said as she stopped next to Owen, leaning against the counter.

"Excuse me?" He asked as he turned to look at her.

"When things get hard. They run. Derek took off more than once. He came back."

"Is this supposed to make me feel better?"

Meredith shrugged. "It's supposed to give you hope. You look like you need some hope."

"What's supposed to give him hope?" Nathan asked as he moved to stand on the opposite side of Owen.

"The fact that it's a Shepherd family trait to bolt when things get hard." Owen stated but the dismissal of the whole thing was clear in his voice.

"No word from Shepherd?"

"Nothing." He shook his head before getting called for a consult. "Grab another drink?"

Nathan nodded. "I'll see you mate."

Meredith looked at Nathan. She should have left but she hadn't. Not quite yet. Instead she thought of everything that Alex said. It wasn't as if he was wrong, but she already saw how much of a mess she made with everything. His refusal to even look at her told her everything she needed to know.

She wondered if she would ever truly be able to move on...to fully accept that there was no reason to feel guilty. Derek died and there was nothing anyone could do to bring him back. He wanted her to be with someone if he died. Not that he would have expected for him to actually die, but reality hit hard. She was a widow and she could either sulk in that or figure out something.

"How could you not have told me? I told you about my entire marriage. I actually asked you if you were seeing someone." April's voice broke through as she filled the empty space that Owen left.

"What?" Meredith asked as she looked at April.

"You two." April looked between them.

"You know?" Meredith sighed, only to be ignored.

April kept her gaze on Nathan. "More than once."

"There's nothing to tell, Keps. Leave it alone." Nathan dismissed.

"Nathan."

"Nothing but a mistake." He said and handed over the tablet to one of the nurses before walking off.

"Wow. The only thing that gets him like that is Owen. And you apparently." April said and turned to Meredith.

They had been friends who spoke about things once. April was there when she had her miscarriage but somewhere along the lines they grew apart. That was what happened in that hospital. Friends with someone for a little while before life happened. "I messed up and he's mad at me."

"Clearly."

"You coming to my house tomorrow?"

"Yes," April nodded. "And don't worry. I'm cooking. We're not eating anything you made."

Meredith smiled. "See you tomorrow."

By the time the next day actually arrived Meredith was glad that she was going to have some time to breathe. She got up and stayed out of the kitchen while she played with her kids in the living room. The house full of people was not exactly something she was all that interested in, but that was because her people skills weren't all that great.

Most people were in the kitchen, only Jackson had actually managed to join her on the couch. Not that there was all that much separation in her house since they knocked the wall down.

"April is helping Alex and Maggie. She insisted because you can't cook to be here to make sure you don't cook." Jackson said as he got comfortable and stole her remote.

Meredith rolled her eyes. "I'll stay out of the kitchen then."

"You wouldn't be avoiding anyone?" He asked as he flipped on the football game.

Meredith pulled Ellis into her lap as she played with the toy. "Did April tell you?"

"We talk a lot now that we're not married. It's a little weird." Jackson stated and shrugged. "You and the army guy?"

"That's…" She turned to Bailey and Zola. "Go ask for a snack." She waited until they were done before she turned to him, "nothing…"

"Maggie wouldn't agree."

Yeah, okay. She didn't want to talk about it. "As of yesterday it's nothing."

"He's an ass."

The knock at the front door caused her to get up. She was pretty sure Jackson only said that to make her feel better and it did. With Ellis on her hip she answered it and was greeted with the faces of Owen and Nathan.

"April said something about pie and to get here early." Owen greeted and held the pie out as some kind of proof.

"She's in the kitchen." Meredith said as she stepped aside. "Be careful of the kids. If they see that pie they'll want pie, and I won't get them to eat anything healthy."

"Thanksgiving isn't for healthy." Jackson called out.

"Shut it, Avery."

"I thought it'd be weird if I didn't come and Hunt was pretty insistent. I guess we're friends now." Nathan said as he watched Owen move to the kitchen, lowering his voice.

"It's fine." she said and moved back to the living room. "I don't even like Thanksgiving."

"You usually have people at your house." Jackson noted, looking at her.

"This year I'm avoiding my own kitchen, last year I was pregnant while my husband was dead, the year before that I kicked Derek to DC." Safe to say the holidays didn't really do her that much good.

"Don't look at me I've been in the middle east." Nathan said as he looked at the game on the television.

"Either my mother or you guys. Do any of you wanna spend Thanksgiving with Catherine Avery?" Jackson inquired as he look between them, already knowing the answer.

"No offense and all but I don't want to talk to your mom ever." Meredith shrugged as she lifted her baby and hear the giggle fill the living room.

"She just meddles in everything." Jackson groaned. "She's back on her Avery foundation baby destiny. Harriet is only a few months old/"

"Before you know it they're walking and talking." Meredith returned and looked over at her kids in the kitchen who were eating things she would scold Alex for later.

As the silence fell over them Meredith couldn't help the way she looked over at Nathan. There was so much she wanted to say, yet, none of the words ever came out. Not that she really knew how to find them or what to say. He should have probably found a happiness elsewhere, with someone who wasn't as complicated as she was.

Once the kids were done eating she moved and took them out in the backyard so they could play., leaving Ellis in her pack n play in the kitchen with Harriet.

"I can leave if you want." Nathan said as she sat down next to her.

"That'll be more awkward than if you never showed up in the first place." Meredith looked over at him.

"This whole house is awkward. You have Kepner and Avery all divorced in their fake happy. You're avoiding your own kitchen. Maggie probably wants to kill us both. And if Hunt was anyone else I'd think he was one step closer to living in a bottle. You're out here avoiding everyone."

"I'm not avoiding. I'm watching my kids so they don't eat dirt and stuff." Okay she probably could have come up with anything better but it was so hard to think when he was there.

"I'll leave you alone."

Meredith put her hand on his arm to keep him from moving. "When are you going to stop being mad at me?"

"I'm not mad at you, Meredith."

"You're acting like it."

Nathan turned to look at her. A little too close for comfort, yet, nothing she wanted to be without. "When I look at you I wonder why. Why were you the one that caught my attention. It felt like instant. Like something pulled to me you. I think about you all the time. It's bloody maddening."

Meredith pulled her hand back and settled it in her lap. She took a brief moment to see her kids were in their own little world. Really, they should have had the conversation elsewhere, but there they were.

"I don't know if you make it difficult because that's who you or something else. I'm mad I'm not mad. I'm mad I'm sitting here and all I want to do is kiss you...that I don't care about Maggie's feelings right now, or how all I do is listen about Owen and Shepherd, without being able to talk about you. I give Hunt crap advice when all I'm thinking is how much I would rather spend my night with you. It's been so long since I've had moments where I don't think of Megan. You gave me that."

His voice grew softer as he grew closer. She could feel his breath on her lips and she understood just how maddening it could. How the desire just built inside of her and she wanted the same things. When she looked at him she didn't think of Derek and that scared her. It scared her so much she was afraid that she might forget him.

"Maybe I was in my own head. I want you, Meredith Grey, but I think you don't want me. So I'll let that go." Nathan pulled away and stood up. "Just try not to tell everyone it was a mistake. Guy likes to keep some of his ego."

Meredith remained frozen and didn't move until she knew he was inside. Nothing was how it was supposed to be. She didn't even have the chance to tell him he was wrong. Maybe it was for the better. It gave her time to figure everything out, and hopefully he wouldn't find some second love of his life in the meantime.

If he did it wasn't meant to be. Not that she believed in that destiny crap or whatever.

Meredith stood and moved through the kitchen. "I'll be back. Someone watch the kids for a bit."

"We got it." April nodded in her fury of messes Meredith didn't want to know.

"Mer." Alex called but she kept on walking.

Meredith grabbed her keys and found herself in her car. She knew exactly where she was going and didn't dare do anything until she was there. It wasn't a place she'd ever been since they actually buried Derek. It felt so long, yet, so short since that event happened. Since then she had a baby that he would never get to know, and she spent too long in a hospital bed recovering from an attack. They seemed as if they were small things in the grand scheme of the twists her life took, yet, she knew they were also big things.

A deep breath was let out as she stopped in front of where she remembered being so long ago. The flashes of the funeral came to her mind. Her poor kids who knew something was wrong, but were hardly old enough to understand. Not truly. Zola missed Derek the most, the one out of the three who could feel his absence, but she would grow and these years of her childhood would be something she only remembered in flashes.

Just like her own childhood.

She wasn't really sure how long she was standing there, fiddling with her hands, thinking about how she should have went home. They were probably calling her but she left her phone in the car. It felt rude to bring it with her.

"This is stupid because I'm pretty sure you can't even hear me, and even if you can you can't answer me. I just had to get out of that house." She looked down at the stone, looking at the name printed on it. Derek Christopher Shepherd. It felt so weird to have his name there, almost as if was mocking her. "You know, I really hate you for leaving me. You wanted a lifetime and I got a few years, in which it feels like we fought more than I remember us being happy." She breathed, the sad revelation almost too much for her. "And you left me with your stupid sisters I don't like and my sister who...Our kids miss you. Ellis doesn't even know you, but Zola misses you. I think Bailey was too young to understand. Still too young to understand. I miss you."

Somehow she felt even more like an idiot as she stood there and spoke. It was dumb. As dumb as the time she tried to talk to him in the chapel. She might as well have spoken to her mother in one of the operating rooms.

"I did something stupid. Someone. You were supposed to be the end, but you aren't. Or maybe I should just be curl up like Ellis. Maybe not the best idea. Owen and Amelia got married. Months ago, actually. Penny left. Amelia did, too, for that matter. I'm avoiding your other sisters. I don't have any of the answers anymore. I thought I did, but I just feel...lost. I don't know what my life is supposed to be."

She took a step forward and allowed her fingers to move across his name.

"Bailey is Chief of Surgery now and I look at her...it was always her goal. Is that my goal? Or should I do a trial or find some research to do? I don't know. I feel stuck, but happy, almost. I'm not unhappy. I'm not unhappy right now, but in general, I'm not unhappy. I like my job. We have our beautiful children. I feel like there should be more. It's your fault. You believed I could do more and I still haven't paid up."

Which there were a myriad of reasons for that and she didn't know. She just didn't know anything.

"You once told me if something happened to me you didn't want me to be alone." She finally spoke as the clouds covered her and it looked so close to raining down upon her. "I don't know if you meant that. I shouldn't talk to you about that." But she was going to do it anyway. "There's a guy and he cares about me a lot. I hurt him. I know that. He's not you. No one will be you. But sometimes I look at him and I think he's as sad as I am. He lost someone, too. I don't think you'd like him. I didn't even like him, but he grows on you."

Why was it all so complicated?

"I don't even think you can hear me so I'm just standing out here like an idiot on Thanksgiving talking to a stone like an idiot. Apparently an idiot who just keeps using the word idiot"

And then it started to rain.

She stood out there for a while longer. Letting go of Derek was something she needed to do and it was something she was prepared to do as the rain soaked her. As if she was being cleansed.

She just needed to be Meredith Grey and figure out what the hell she wanted.

Not Meredith with Derek's shadow.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It wasn’t perfect. Perfection didn’t exist.

Sitting in Meredith Grey's house on Thanksgiving without Meredith actually there was not his idea of a good time. It didn't help he wasn't really friends with anyone besides April, and she was in the kitchen. He was friendly with Owen but he didn't want anything to break the small friendship the two of them built. He wanted things to remain happy for as long as they could. Owen was like his brother once upon a time, but given all that happened with Megan...it was too fragile to test the waters.

So he hid in the room that he thought would be the kids play room, without any kids actually in it. A mess of toys and things that made him realize that nothing between Meredith and him was selfish...or could be selfish. Not that he thought it would be or that he was unaware of her children. It just seemed to put everything into yet another perspective. His mind was so focused on Maggie that everything else fell away.

Not that any of it really mattered.

Not when he was so entirely certain that whatever was between them ended...or at the very least was at a halt. Until Meredith figured herself out, or he found someone else. Just the thought of that brought a pain to his stomach that he didn't wish to deal with. All he wanted was her.

You didn't always get what you wanted.

As he sat in the playroom he only wondered just where Meredith slipped off to and whether he should have stayed at all. He could have come up with some excuse to leave for the hospital. He didn't really think anyone would care much if he was gone. He didn't even know how many times he stood up only to sit back down.

Maybe he should have just found himself in the kitchen helping April and doing his best to avoid Maggie. He couldn't avoid her for forever, but just a little longer would do the trick.

After spending too much time actually debating he stood and walked out of the small room and towards the front door. Before he reached it, however, he noticed a soaking wet Meredith walk through the door.

Too late.

For everything he felt towards her and everything that he said to her, it was never as if an awkwardness found him. The words he spoke of his feelings made him feel better. It kind of made him want to run, but also, they did manage to make him feel better. It was a weird cycle he tried not to think about.

Instead he'd just focus on her before him.

"Are you alright?" Nathan asked.

Meredith didn't answer right away, only looked up at him. "I'm good."

"Alright."

"Are you leaving?" She asked after a moment of silence.

"I …" He knew that he should have left and knew that he wanted to leave. He didn't fit in and the only reason he was really there was for Meredith. He didn't mind working on the holiday and really should have, rather than leaving his patients in the hands of residents who didn't know as much as he did. Only as he looked at her it was as if it was somehow impossible for him to say what he really wanted to say. "No. I'm staying."

"Dinner!" April called out before Meredith had a chance to say anything.

"We should probably," he turned and looked over at the gathering of people.

"Tell them I'm going to change and I'll be down."

Nathan nodded and watched as she disappeared up the stairs before he walked over and sat in the seat April pointed out to him.

"Meredith will be down in a few minutes." He announced as everyone got themselves settled.

Not that he sat in seat for too long. Not when he knew he'd need a drink in order to get through the dinner given that April had so kindly sat him next to Maggie. He could feel the tension rising. Normally an easy going guy, he really didn't want to be the one who ruined dinner for everyone if something came to head.

By the time he was seated Meredith joined them. All of them sitting together in a little triangle of nothing he wanted to deal with that night.

Now that wasn't going to go south, was it?

The first few minutes went smoothly. Everyone ate their dinner as they were supposed to, not everyone was happy. He supposed Alex possibly going to prison, Maggie finding out the truth, and Owen being left by his wife had a way of putting a damper on things. It was mostly calm, until he could feel the eyes of the woman next to him burning into his skull, and took notice of the way Meredith looked back and forth between them as if she was waiting for something to happen.

"How can you two just sit there and pretend like everything is fine?" Maggie finally asked.

"Maggie…." Meredith tried to ease.

"Sorry...I just." Maggie paused and looked around before looking at them both. "I don't get it. You two act like you haven't been lying to everyone."

"What's going on?" Owen asked.

"Shh, I want to hear this. This dinner isn't much fun." Arizona spoke as she took another sip of her wine.

"I made an idiot out of myself and now I'm sitting here looking at you two. You don't even care." Maggie continued without missing a beat. "You're just happy and fine. You're liars and you keep secrets and you hurt people and you don't even care."

Meredith's entire face softened, sympathy extended towards her sister. "Maggie, I care."

"No, you don't, Meredith. If you cared you wouldn't have go on like an idiot, you wouldn't have let me ask him out." She turned to Nathan. "And you lied to me about not ready to move on."

"I should have told you the truth." Nathan said, "We should have. It was nothing we meant to happen." It was the best he could come up with. It was true. Nothing that happened between them was anything that they meant to happen. Nothing had even really happened for the past few months. Not since before Owen and Amelia got married. Nothing was even happening then. They were friends, but he didn't know how to tell Maggie that without her firing back at him.

"How long has this been going on?" She asked.

"Wait. Riggs, you and Meredith?" Owen's voice came from the other end of the table.

"We need more wine." Arizona spoke before she stood in search of it.

"Maggie, it happened before you said anything, and I didn't want to hurt you so I didn't tell you." Meredith told her calmly. "It was never going to happen again. I didn't see a reason to tell you."

"I told you so much and you had every opportunity." The edge in her voice was clear. Anyone would recognize the emotion.

"Maggie." Nathan turned to her and it pained him the look that was on her face. It was different from the moment she found out. That was anger and betrayal. As they sat at the table it was hurt. Plain and simple. The way the tears filled her eyes but didn't spill...hurt. Only time would fix that...if it could ever be fixed. Some messes just couldn't be undone. No matter how much any of them wanted to.

"No, how can you just do that? How can you not care about anybody at all? You do the same thing to Amelia and never cared. After Derek you just left without a word. You don't care about people."

"My husband died, I didn't owe anyone anything." The calm tone turned to near ice.

It was safe to say Thanksgiving was ruined.

The way the table turned dead silent and everyone's eyes were on them...he didn't know what to do. After Megan found out about the cheating it was anger and yelling. It was throwing things and hitting him. It was tears and loud emotion. It was everything that the table was not. It was calm and eerie. He didn't know what to expect. Everything inside of him was screaming to say something but he didn't. He couldn't. What was he going to say?

"What's not fair is this. You even stand by Alex's side after he almost killed Andrew. Do you even care that Amelia left? I've tried so hard to be your sister and I thought that my first impression was wrong. You're a terrible person." Maggie got increasingly upset, standing up and shoving herself away from the table.

"We all make mistakes. They don't define who we are." Nathan spoke, turning to her, wanting to reach out but stopping himself. It wasn't his place.

"Leaving the clothes in the washer overnight is a mistake. You have to choose to lie." Maggie countered. "For what months? Months you both saw me every single day and you lied."

"I'm sorry." Meredith said and he wondered if she meant it. "I didn't mean for this to happen."

"You lie so much I don't think I can believe you." Maggie shook her head and looked at everyone around her. "I'm sorry I ruined dinner. I'm just going to go. I can't stay here. I can't live here."

Meredith stood only for Alex to grab her arm to stop her. "Let her. You can't say anything to her right now. She won't listen."

"I'm not hosting people at my house anymore." Meredith said and stole Nathan's drink, downing the whole thing in one smooth motion.

"Why because it always dramatic?" Arizona asked with a smile on her face as she sat down. "This is not worse than Perfect Penny. Who has my daughter with Callie."

"How long?" Owen asked.

"It was a couple months ago." Meredith answered as she officially gave up on caring about the night.

"Months?" Owen looked at Riggs. "We've been hanging out. I've been talking about Amelia."

"You're pretty punch happy, mate." Nathan replied, looking over at him for a moment. "We're not together. We had sex a couple months ago, but we're nothing."

"Everyone just eat your dinner. This isn't Widow Grey moves on show."

It was another two hours before he was finally out of that house and felt as if everything wasn't going to crumble down. Maybe that would have actually made the night better. Eating dinner in mostly silence was not ideal. No more ideal than everyone trying to make conversation only for it to grow all too silent. He had better nights in war torn countries than what happened in that house.

"What's this thing with you and Grey?" Owen asked as he caught up with him as he made it to his car.

"Nothing. It's over." He answered, mostly to try and cut the conversation short.

"If you hurt her I'll kill you." Owen moved to stand in front of him, something akin to the act of a big brother.

"I won't." Nathan was going to leave it at that, but a long day made for longer thoughts. "She can take care of herself. She doesn't need a babysitter."

"I know. She's strong and has been through more than you could even begin to imagine. She deserves happiness. Not you, but if she's into you I'm not gonna ruin that." Owen moved out of the way then.

"Thanks, I guess."

Nathan didn't bother in waiting for Owen to say anything else. Not often did he find himself in a mood where he didn't want to talk to anyone. He just felt...bad. Guilt, as they called it. No matter what he did, the guilt wasn't going to go away. He knew the game he was playing and nothing worked out in the end. He wasn't with Meredith and Maggie hated them both. It sucked but it was life.

After he cheated on Megan and she was gone, he swore to himself that he would try and become a better person. Only he wasn't that much of a better person if he was there making messes between sisters. Meredith may have jumped him, but he was the one who tried to pursue her, and he was the one who chose not to be honest with Maggie when she asked him out.

He did that and there was no one he could blame.

Instead he would worry about it for the night and by the time morning came he'd be back to normal. He'd pretend that everything was fine and he was a happy, go lucky guy.

Which he was.

Deep down he was that guy. He was the happy guy. The guy who didn't let a lot get to him. But some nights a drink turned into a lot of drinks until the guilt lifted and he could just sit there for a couple of minutes feeling free of everything he ran to Seattle to escape. It was about fixing his problems. Only he wasn't fixing them all that well. He was only making more problems. He was hurting more people.

When he got inside of his apartment he grabbed the bottle of scotch off of the tray and moved over to the window. Seattle was pretty at night. A petty thought. A girly thought. Yet the only thought that made everything seem okay. For a moment. That and the bottle of scotch he was drinking from.

He grew up in Seattle. It was the place that made him who he was. Maybe that was the mistake all along. The place he called home as a kid. It had Owen and it had Megan. He decided to go medical school when he lived there. It took him on his path to join the Army. It led him to do everything and yet, he nearly lost it all.

The fact that Meredith was someone that only kept popping in his head made him drink.

It was her home, too. He wondered if they had when they were younger if things would work out. Probably not. He didn't like commitment and he was pretty sure no one was going to be the perfect man for her besides Derek. Not that he actually knew Derek, nor could anyone keep him away from Megan for five minutes.

It was a stroke of luck they met. Luck. A horrible way to think about it. Megan and Derek dying wasn't luck. Neither of them should have ever felt that pain, gone through that trauma, did their best to come out on the other side.

Yet, there they were. Making messes.

Surgeons who should have had all the answers in the world, yet, Nathan had no answers. He never had any answers. All he had was bad luck and bad decisions, falling for a girl who made everything so complicated he barely knew what to do.

All he knew was she was deep in him and he wasn't escaping that. He didn't want to escape but it terrified him.

He was good at hiding it. The way he was terrified. Instead he did his best to seem cool and calm, as if loving someone else wasn't absolutely terrifying. It was. Everything about it was. He was never meant to love anyone besides Megan. He screwed that up. Only it was never about loving another woman. When he cheated it wasn't love. It was fear. It was sex. It was escaping everything.

He wasn't without his own war wounds but they were buried deep. They had to be. In order for him to sleep and to not drown himself in the bottom of a bottle...they had to remain buried. Everything did.

Meredith was the escape. When he looked at Meredith it was as if he was some young guy without a whole life behind him. He was a good surgeon and a good guy. Even when he wasn't that good of a guy he was still a good guy. She made think living another life was possible...that he could actually be happy.

Not that any of that was fair to anyone.

Life wasn't fair.

By the time he stopped the contemplating of his life half the bottle was gone. Until the thoughts were gone and he was dragging himself into the bed. A peaceful sleep if peace was even a thing he could get anymore.

Peace was gone by the time he actually made it to work. It was two days of nothing but surgeries. Surgery after surgery. Maggie dumped everything she possibly could on top of him, and half the cases that came into the ER did nothing good for his schedule. It was a pace that he was used to, but one he didn't like coming out of nowhere.

That was what happened when you pissed off your boss.

By the third day the patient that he'd been wanting to see for weeks came into the hospital. Some patients he couldn't let go of when he left the Middle East. Instead he did absolutely everything he could in order to get Rami to America, to stop him from dying. If it was the one good thing he could do at the hospital it was what he would do.

Until he got the results back and everything hit a stand still.

"You paged?" Meredith asked as she walked in the room.

"Yeah, here." Nathan crossed his arms and looked at the results on the board.

"Are those all cysts?"

"Look at the lung." He pointed at the cluster and felt as if everything was all too easily going to fall apart.

"New patient?"

"Old."

"And you let it progress this far?"

Nathan turned to her. "I didn't let anything happen. Do you think I'm a bad doctor?"

"These cysts don't just appear overnight." Meredith countered and didn't bother to look at him.

"I live in the States now. My work isn't down the street. It's across the world. I did what I could with the time I had. Now I just need you to remove them, while I work on the lung."

"I can try and remove the cysts but if they're in too deep…" Meredith sighed.

"We'll do chemo and put him on the transplant list."

"Should have been on the list already."

"I know how to do my job, Meredith. I've been doing this longer than you have."

"Well then hot shot do you need me? I don't want to get in your way." Meredith raised her hands and looked at him with that know it all look he absolutely hated and loved all in one.

"Meredith. Will you help me? Please, pretty please."

She smiled. "I can push my surgeries. We should do it now. Then on the transplant list."

"Yes ma'am." He bowed out of the room.

It was an hour before they were in the thick of it and what Nathan found on the inside was worse than he thought. Sometimes saving lives sucked when you had to tear a body apart. The body was meant to be whole, not in pieces, not infected with worms from things that you couldn't control.

"So are all dinners at your house like that?" Nathan asked to break the silence.

"I think I should stop having them." Meredith replied as she looked up at him for a brief moment.

"You won't."

"How do you know that?"

"Because you're you. You're...they rally around you. You bring them together and it's the oddest combination I've ever seen in my life but they like you." Not that he could blame any of them. It was Meredith. Something special about her.

"Maybe I don't like them."

"You wouldn't have this job if you didn't."

"And you have this job for Owen?"

"I have this job because the Chief offered it to me and she's paying me well given I gave up a damn good job for this one. I'm sure I could spend the rest of my life in the Army, but I'd rather not spend all of my forties in regret." Nathan stopped working for a second as he looked over at Meredith. So much he wanted to say, but nothing came out. Instead he went back to work.

"Sorry, I'm late. There was an emergency." Jo said as she joined them.

"Hold this. Suction."

"I have a date." He blurted out and instantly came to regret it. The near endless silence became too much.

"Oh, good." The sarcasm was clear in Meredith's voice. "Does she work here?"

"She does."

"Wilson, close this. We're done." She said and stepped back.

"Meredith." Nathan called but was stuck working.

"Have fun, Dr. Riggs. Wilson, keep me up to date please. He's your patient now."

"I don't think I should have told her." Nathan said once Meredith was out of the room.

"Probably not." Jo agreed. "She'll talk to Alex about it."

"That bother you?"

"I don't think you actually care about my relationship problems."

He didn't, she wasn't wrong. "Edwards is neuro, Warren is Plastics, and Murphy is Cardio. What are you?"

"I was Peds but everything with Alex. I'm lost and invisible."

"Meredith could teach you a lot." Nathan suggested carefully. "You can take a fellowship any time during your career."

"She hates me."

"I don't think that's true."

"She kicked me out of my own bed when I was naked. She doesn't see me as a person and you know, she never has."

"Make her." It was as if the easiest thing in the world. "You're quiet, Wilson. I knew more about Murphy in one day than I know about you. Make yourself heard."

"Can I go?" Jo suggested abruptly.

"Good work." He told her as she left and he was left to finish the surgery by himself.

After finishing up the surgery he had a talk with Rami before leaving for the night. For the date he didn't really want to go on. The date that didn't really seem like it went all that well. He never was a date guy. He couldn't remember taking Megan on a proper date. They were working on patients in the places that weren't really places one went on a date.

Meredith didn't exactly want to do anything either.

It was good, maybe. Probably not. It told him everything he already happened to know.

"I went on a date last night." Nathan told April as he stopped to talk to her.

"With Meredith?"

"No with...her name isn't important."

"How'd it go?" April asked.

"I'd rather spend five minutes arguing with Meredith than two hours on it." Nathan shrugged.

"The guy...tinder guy he's kind of…" April plopped down in the chair.

"You don't have to go out with him."

"But I do. Jackson and I need different lives. We need to have boundaries and we don't. Not when we live in the same place and work in the same place. I'm happy that Harriet has us both, I just...worry."

"Nothing there with you and Avery?" He asked casually.

"No, he divorced me."

"So now you're dating a guy you don't really like."

"Do us all a favor and break up with him." Meredith interrupted as she checked on something behind the desk.

"I'm with Grey."

"I like him." April tried to sound sincere.

Meredith shot her a look. "I'm not being a bridesmaid at another wedding where you run off with Jackson."

Oh, now that was interesting information. "Keps, you left a guy at alter?"

"You're not being a bridesmaid at all."

"Whatever you say." Meredith sing songed as she walked off, unable to hide the amusement.

Nathan watched as Meredith walked away before turning back to look at April.

"No."

"C'mon, you have to share. I'm sad and have a broken heart."

April rolled her eyes. "You don't have a broken heart."

"I do. I am so sad over Meredith." He pouted for effect.

"She's not going to fall into your lap."

Well that was enough of that. "Can we not talk about this?"

April got paged. "We'll discuss this later."

"We won't."

Nathan made his way back to the attendings' lounge and spotted Meredith. He thought about giving her some time alone, but that went out the window the moment he sat down next to her. "Give Wilson a shot."

"What?"

"She's lost and I know you're all buddy buddy with Alex. I also know her interest is mostly Peds, but until Alex is back she's floating. That does nobody any good during residency. Plus, she thinks you hate her."

"I don't hate her." Meredith instantly defended. "Why do you care?"

"Because everyone is sailing and she's not. You gave Blake more of a shot than Wilson, and the whole hospital knows Blake's story."

"You teach her."

"She's not into Cardio and if she can't have Peds she should have General. You're Ellis Grey's daughter. I've never seen skill like yours."

Meredith ignored him and focused back on her phone. "Just go on your date…"

"You know I'm right."

"I don't know why you care."

"Not everyone is a Grey, a Shepherd, an Avery." Nathan put his feet up on the table as he drank from his coffee. "I wasn't. Most people aren't naturally born skilled. That's why people teach then."

Meredith rolled her eyes and when Jo moved past the door she called, "Wilson, get in here. Do you have plans?"

"No." She answered slowly as she stepped barely through the doorway.

"I need you guys to apologize to Pierce like yesterday." Steph said as she barged into the room.

"What?" Meredith asked.

"She's running me ragged. I can't sleep. Shepherd is gone and I'm on Cardio. I need to eat something. I need to sit. I need to sleep. I need to breathe. She's all surgery, surgery, surgery, and I get stuck on the post ops. I don't know what you two did and I don't care, but sleep. Just apologize."

"We…" Meredith started and looked at Nathan for a moment.

"Jackson apologized to me and I got over it eventually. It can't possibly be your boyfriend runs off with the bride bad."

Meredith and Nathan smiled at the same time. "Go sleep, Edwards. We'll deal with it."

"Thank you." Steph said, filled with relief as she left.

"What did you do?" Jo asked as she looked between them.

"It's not important." Meredith waved off.

"How did you guys know...what specialty?" Jo asked slowly.

"I just knew." Nathan shrugged. "Early in my residency. There was a surgery. It just fit."

"I was in Neuro until I made a very big mess, then I spent a few weeks in OB and then Owen sat me down and told me I should do General because of my mother. Legacy." She paused before she elaborated. "Bailey and Webber pushed me and it fits. You have to find out what you're good at Jo." Meredith let out a breath. "I'm gonna give you some advice. You have to let go of your personal crap. I don't know what's with you and Alex or Deluca. But you need to focus on this now. You need to do more surgeries, you need to find a specialty, and you need to kick ass."

"It's not that easy."

"Make it that easy."

Nathan shook his head. "What Meredith is trying to say is focus on this now and the rest will still be there. You haven't worked this hard and gotten this far to let it fall away because of a guy. You're young. Focus on the medicine."

"I am."

"Okay." Nathan nodded but wasn't so sure he believed that.

"I have two hernia repairs tomorrow. Study them both. I'll do the first one and you can do the second one. They're laparoscopic."

"You're serious?" Jo's face lit up.

"I'm serious. Now go. I have my kids to watch." Meredith rolled her eyes but the smile was clear.

"Thank you, Dr. Grey."

"See." Nathan smiled once Jo was gone. "Wasn't that hard to be nice to her."

"Don't manipulate me into being nice to residents."

"It's called being nice. It's called teaching. It's making sure a girl like that doesn't fall behind because she thinks you hate her."

"I don't hate her." Meredith tensed up and focused back on her phone.

"You afforded Blake more opportunity."

"Okay, fine." Meredith resigned. "I don't like her most of the time."

"You know as well as I do not liking someone shouldn't mean you let them fail."

"She's not going to fail."

"She could." Nathan sat up and turned to look at her. "Karev works in the clinic and every opportunity she was afforded in Peds is on the back burner. They're all glued to someone and she has no one. I could teach her but we both know she's not going to end up in cardio."

"I hate you."

"You hate that I'm right." He did his best not to smile, but there was a triumph he couldn't escape and wouldn't want to let go of.

"Whatever." She rolled her eyes and stood. "I'm leaving now."

"Good night, Dr. Grey."

It took all of five minutes before Nathan found himself paged and rushed down to a surgery.

"You should give her another chance." April said once the patient was mostly stable.

"Why are you so interested in this?" Nathan asked, glaring at her across the table. " I don't remember you caring before."

"I'm not."

"You are."

"If I'm interested in you I can ignore me." April finally admitted.

Only that sounded kind of sad. He was glad that he had her as a friend, but he kind of missed the hardass April. "Go set up Jackson on a date."

"I'm not setting you up on a date. You have a date."

"Fine. Okay I'll go." If only to stop that conversation. "But you have to make a decision on that guy.."

"Nathan."

"Just answer me one thing." He prompted. "Are you over Jackson?"

"He divorced me. Why would I want a guy that doesn't want me?"

"If that's what you think."

"It's what I know."

"You live with him. You have a kid. He's not even seeing anyone. He divorced you because you left and you knew that." Nathan shook his head, finding the whole thing a little ridiculous.

"So, we should be together because we have a kid?"

"I didn't say that. I'm just saying maybe you're both being stupid and missing what is right in front of you."

"Like you and Meredith."

"Maybe she's into me. Maybe she's not." Nathan shrugged. "But she needs more time and I'll give that to her."

"By dating."

"You're the one telling me to go." He looked up at her. "Don't play matchmaker."

"I'm not."

"I don't believe you."

"Have fun."

"Stay out of this Keps. I mean it."

Nathan said as he finished repairing the heart and backed away from the table. It was just a little too much.

"We need to apologize to Maggie." Meredith said as he came out of the OR.

"We?" Nathan asked as they walked.

"Together. Maybe she'll talk to us."

"What are we gonna ambush her?"

"Not ambush. Gently corner...okay, fine, ambush."

"Can we ambush her tomorrow? I have plans."

"What's her name?" Meredith asked as casually as she could.

"Daisy."

"Is she a stripper?"

"Meredith." He did his best to not laugh, only it didn't really work out that way.

"I don't know the kind of girls you go for."

"I go for the blonde surgeons who like to have amazing sex in cars in hospital parking lots with her name on the building, but brunette nurses named Daisy who talk too much are okay substitutes."

"Have fun with Daisy. Don't let her spin too much. Would hate for anything to happen."

Nathan walked down to radiology and tried to gain courage he didn't know he needed. It was good. It was what he needed to do. See someone else. Find someone to move on with. Really move on with. Someone that wasn't just sex. Meredith opened the door and he walked through it. He needed to continue, no move backwards.

Right? Right.

He could do it.

"Hi."

"Hi." Daisy smiled at him.

The smile stayed on Nathan's face for a moment and he thought of what April said. He thought of the words Meredith just spoke. He thought that of everything that his life was meant to be, yet, it was nothing that sat with him. It was not what he needed. April made good points, but he couldn't be that guy. "I can't do this. The dating you. I'm sorry I thought I could."

"There's someone else."

"Yeah." He tore his gaze away from her, an apologetic smile on his lips. "I shouldn't have…"

"It's okay. It was one date."

"I'm sorry." He said one last time before he turned around.

She was right. It was one date. Not as if they had something real together. In truth, he knew that wasn't what really bothered him. He didn't any better, nor did he feel any worse than he already did. It was something else that was bothering him.

"You're supposed to be on your date." April said once he reached the ER.

"Change of plans.."

April rolled her eyes. "I need a consult. Trauma 2."

Nathan went into the room and saw it was a kid. No matter how many years he'd been doing it, how many kids he saw, it was never okay. It was always terrible. The poor kid had a knife in his chest and while he wanted to know...he knew what the answer was. Something terrible. A parent or someone the kid must have thought was a friend.

He looked at the monitor as one of the interns gave him a rundown. Only for the kid to code right there on the table and no matter what he did.

It was a lost cause.

Everything seemed to be a lost cause.

"I'm going home. Don't page me." Nathan said as he walked out into the ER. "I hate when it's kids."

"Me too." April replied and gave him a sympathetic look. "Night."

It took him a good hour before he actually made it back to his apartment. Ridiculous given how close he actually lived to the hospital, but there he was. He just needed a day. One day where he didn't piss someone off, he didn't see Meredith and remind himself of everything, he didn't lose some patient. Just one day where he could just...sit. One day.

The odds of him actually getting that day was not in the cards. Not with how mad Maggie was and how she buried him in surgeries so she never actually had to see him.

He didn't blame her.

Nathan grabbed his keys out of his bag and when he looked up he noticed Meredith sitting on the floor next to his door.

"You weren't home."

"No, I wasn't." Nathan said and looked at her with a raised eyebrow. "How long have you been waiting?:

"I told myself I'd wait an hour. That was awhile ago."

His eyes fell to the bottle in her hands. "Are you drinking tequila?"

"A little. I've only had two sips...gulps. I didn't want to be drunk."

Instead of asking he just opened the door to his apartment. "Do you wanna come in?"

"I don't know."

"Okay. I'm going inside."

Meredith stood and walked inside. "How was your date?"

"I didn't go."

"Oh."

"Meredith, what are you doing here?"

"Being the world's worst mom."

"Other than that." He tossed his keys on the counter before turning on the lights. It was weird...having her there. It was just something he never seemed to entertain. Everything was so hospital centric. Having her in his apartment almost never came to his mind. Certainly not then. Not when she pulled back every chance she got. Even if she was so clearly jealous earlier...jealousy was not something that made them married.

"When I came home on Thanksgiving I went to see Derek." She started as she put the bottle down on the counter and took a seat on one the stools. "I thought maybe he could give me some answers. I don't really believe in God and I don't believe he can hear me, but it was worth a shot."

"Did you find the answers you were looking for? Or is that what the tequila is for?"

"I don't make speeches. I don't do gestures. I don't...I'm not a fluffy, happy, optimistic, hopeful person. I like to drink tequila and I have sex in appropriate places. I'm a good surgeon and I'm a good mother," she paused, "...when I'm not here being dumb. I'm not whole but you're not either. We're broken."

He was content on letting her speak. Meredith was not someone he understood and he wondered so much about her. He could anticipate the road in which she was traveling down, but he'd been wrong before.

"I didn't want you. I didn't want anyone. But being around you to not really be around you is too difficult. I want to test the waters."

"Test the waters."

"Nathan." Meredith looked at him with wide eyes, a worried look across her face.

Nathan moved so that he was standing in front of her. "Are you asking me out, Meredith grey?"

"I don't like dates, I have kids, no time at all ever, and we have to apologize to Maggie. No inappropriate hospital stuff. No 'what are we' conversations, and you can't sleep at my house. Don't tell anyone about us."

Nathan could tell she was nervous. He never actually thought he'd see a nervous Meredith Grey in his entire lifetime. There she was. "Shut up." Was all he could say as the one thing seemed to take a turn for the better. It didn't matter...the rest of it. Not then. It just didn't. The one thing that mattered was her being there and the way he grabbed her and he kissed her. Kissed her in the way he'd wanted to do nearly every single time he saw her. He'd been wanting to do that for so long. So, so long. Her lips felt like everything against his, the way she tugged him closer and wrapped her legs around him. He'd craved being so close to her for so long and there they were. It was good. It wasn't perfect. Perfection didn't exist. Whatever road they were traveling down was right.

Maybe part of whatever was going on inside of his head was telling him that. Just then the terror kicked in. The mess of what ifs, the worrying of brewing feelings, the disasters that could befall them both. She was right. They were broken. He saw what broken did to Owen and Amelia. She wasn't healed and she left, and he knew from their conversations Owen wasn't healed either. People couldn't heal each other.

None of that was vocalized. It was only pushed down deep inside of him and allowed himself to kiss her until his lungs were burning desperately for air. It was what he wanted. He felt better., yet worried all in one. Only time would tell. Time would give them the answers and her ridiculous rules seemed like things would only get more complicated.

In a way, he was ready for complicated. He wouldn't cheat on Meredith. He was older, wiser, ready for things life would throw at them. He couldn't be stuck on Megan forever, and Meredith couldn't be stuck on Derek forever. It wasn't healthy. It wasn't suddenly going to be healthy. Instead they had to be there together and just figure it out.

"Your breath smells like tequila." Nathan whispered with a smile against her lips, his hand rising to tuck a strand of hair behind her ears.

"Maybe I had more than two sips."

"Mm," Nathan smiled. "Are you going to give me a repeat of the last three months?"

"I make no promises not to. Take it or leave it."

"I'll take it."


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe it was that nearly everything about him thrilled her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is insanely late. Writer's block hit me hard. Chapter 8 will also be a little on the late side, no later than Monday, then the updates will be back on schedule.

Meredith's breath may have smelled like tequila and there was a slight buzz going on inside of her, but she was very conscious of her decisions. She was very conscious of the way he was standing there and the way her lips tingled after being kissed by him. One hand was on her hip and the other managed to settle on the side of her neck. She was very aware of the way his body was only mere inches from his own, the way his breath was free of any alcohol, a stark contrast to her own. He was there and it both terrified her but managed to bring a further thrill to her.

Maybe it was that nearly everything about him thrilled her.

It was different from Derek. She loved him, endlessly. Through everything the love felt as if it was enough to kill her. But that's exactly what it was...love. Love and adoration. Looking at him like he was the sun and it took her all too long to realize she was the sun. She was sun and she stood there bright and shiny...sometimes. Bright and shiny was hard for her.

It was never really her thing.

But with Nathan it was different. Touching him, being there with him, it was something she knew she wasn't supposed to be doing. Almost as if she was cheating on Derek, when she wasn't cheating on him at all. He was dead and moving on was something natural for her. As natural as the little mess she made could be. That's exactly what it was...a big mess she didn't really know what to do or how to deal with. So she just never did. Instead she let it grow until there was nothing she could do but deal with the fallout.

The very fallout that made her someone that was spoken about. She didn't think there wasn't a person that didn't know about what happened, given Maggie's little outburst on Thanksgiving. In a way, it was a good thing. That way she didn't need to worry about it anymore. She was worried about so much all of the time that it weighed down on her.

Being there was a risk. She built up so many walls and gave so many excuses as to why she couldn't be with him. No matter how much she wanted him. That was a truth she could barely admit to herself, but it was a truth all the same. A truth that made her not hold any regret for the very reason that she was there, and the way that everything about her responded to him.

A moment in which she didn't feel like a mess of a widow.

From the moment that she met Nathan there was something different about him. It might have just been the outright hatred Owen felt for him. It might have been the way it took her months to get the entire story, or the way she softened all too easily when she thought she got it all. She flip flopped on him near constantly as the little pieces of information came out, and even then it just seemed like an unfortunate series of events.

She had a lot of stories like that.

She knew his sins and he didn't know hers.

She was probably a better person in his world view. Someone that didn't put their hand on bombs and screw with clinical trials.

Meredith screwed him in her car, over and over, but she was a good surgeon and mother. She snapped occasionally, but she cared about her people. It was a clouded view and she knew it. Everything always happened to be something of a clouded view.

Not that confessing all of her sins was anything that was on her to-do list as she stood there with him. Instead there was something else she wanted to focus her mind and body upon.

Him.

Meredith watched with interest as he grabbed the bottle of tequila from behind her. He kept his eyes on her as he took a sip. For a moment she wondered if it was his liquid courage. Nathan didn't seem like the type and whatever held him back before didn't seem to hold him back anymore. She gave him the green light, just as she did when she told him to shut up that night in the parking lot when he tried to voice his concern.

They both seemed to be the type to get what they wanted and the consequences could be dealt with later. That described Meredith near endlessly. She couldn't count how many times she shoved things away just so that she didn't need to deal with them.

Not that she chose to ask any of that as she watched him.

So much unspoken hung in the air between the two of them. She didn't think much of it, nor did she choose to speak of it. She just watched, as if he was suddenly going to give her the answers to life. If only he had those.

The tension grew thick between them and she swore, even though the only thing he did was keep his hand on her hip, that felt like some stupid teenage girl ready to give herself over to him. That was about right. When it came to desire and sex she rarely practiced anything akin to self control. She wasn't one of those girls who kept track of how many guys she'd been with, and if Nathan asked her in the future she'd tell him she haven't any idea. She was slutty, had been in the past, before Derek, before he came in and changed her life, before she had the three kids. Before her life changed.

Even after Derek she'd been with two guys. One was standing in front of her and placed the bottle back down on the countertop. One managed to look at her in a way that made it all too difficult for her to deny him over and over. She did, but it wasn't easy. No more reason to hold back and pretend that she held no interest. No more reason to keep running. It was her move, really. Her move but she just watched and waited, handed him the little bit of power that existed, when really they were equals.

Equals was different for her.

The slow motion in which she felt things were moving were gone in a near instant. Her back found the counter as his lips were on hers. There was no thinking. It was all desire. It all brought a rush to her that she'd been craving. No sex was her least favorite state and for a while, it'd been fine, but the moment it was awoken within her she needed it.

She didn't think too hard about all that happened. Only felt. Felt the way she pulled his shirt off of him and tossed it to the side, felt the way his hands moved along her torso, under her own shirt, giving her a shiver up her spine. It didn't take long for their clothes to be gone and for her back to be down firmly against the cool marble. His body felt good and heavy against her own. A weight she only seemingly wanted more of with the way she allowed her legs to wrap around him.

They ran on desire. Nothing more, nothing less.

He was strong, muscular, something about his arms managed to grab her attention, and compared to her small frame it was good.

Meredith would have been a liar, more of a liar than she already was, if she couldn't admit to being attracted to men with a certain power about them. It wasn't as obvious with Nathan. She held the higher position, her name was on the hospital, and she called all the shots. It was far more subtle with him, existing in a way that she didn't quite see it, but then relished in, wanted more.

It was borderline ridiculous the way she found herself all too attracted to him.

He held her down against the counter as things shifted even more, allowed themselves to find the pleasure they were both desperate for.

It was similar to their first time, in a way.

Raw and unfiltered, easily allowing everything to fall away around them, good. Really good. Everything about him was good.

Right.

They fit.

Nathan's entire being felt as if he was everywhere all at once, giving her everything she needed and wanted. Not that she was shy or withheld anything back from him.

The pleasure almost made her feel as if she was going to crawl out of her skin. The counter may have been cold, but she burned hot. Hotter than she had in a long while, too unable to find any coherent string of words, not that she would want to. Not when her lips were better put to use on him.

She wasn't a good girl.

She wasn't the kind who played the nice.

She wasn't really the dutiful wife and mother.

At least not the kind that was found in those silly movies where everywhere was picture perfect. That was a far cry from who she really was. Instead, everything crashed, but then she managed to find the groove she was in then. It was all too easy to find that rhythm, to be someone she used to be, to find out who she could be moving forward.

Want. Take. Have.

She held no shame as she moved with him, and less as she encouraged him further.

For as long as it took them to find their way back...it was something she didn't want to lose. Not as the two moved from the counter to the floor, Meredith finding herself in his lap, finding a newfound comfort in having him even closer than she had before. A different focus found her. Her arms wrapped around him as they moved in a unison, less frantic, yet, something that seemed to drive her just as mad.

It felt better then as her eyes closed and her breath felt heavier. The surge of pleasure that found her as his teeth sunk into her lip only managed to make her feel incredible and caused her to hold on tighter. Her entire body felt the fire that she swore she used to live for, the moment where surgery wasn't the only high she could find.

A different kind of high, but a high all the same.

Because, by the God she didn't even believe in, he most certainly had a way about him. A way that only made her more addicted than before. That was where some of the fear originated, in just how well he fit with her, when she didn't want to fit with anyone.

He came to Seattle to do a good deed for a kid who wouldn't otherwise and there he was, making her feel like she was in one of those damn porn movies.

That was a definite sign she was too deprived for her own good and she hoped he was just as deprived as she was. Selfish, she knew. Selfish that she wanted him to suffer as much as he had, to feel that void, to be outright lonely. That was what she had been. No matter how much she didn't want to admit it. She had family, but to have someone else in the way she rocked against him, was different. It was good, pure, raw, made her breath heavier, made her feel a connection that she craved so much.

Sex was sex. She never deluded herself to thinking it was something else. It wasn't making love. Never had been. It brought her connection, but love was a different kind of line. A whole nother thing that she didn't need to feel the way he made her his. In that moment she truly belonged to no one else but Nathan.

She wasn't really one to give herself over if she could help it. She lost a lot before, lost more than she thought she'd ever be able to handle, but the way he held onto her, the way his grip was so tight she swore he'd leave a mark, and it only spurred her on, brought her to the highest peak on the tallest mountain.

If their night months ago was his best work she had no idea in what the hell he was doing for her as the moans of pleasure only escaped louder from her.

She hated him then. Hated him so much she allowed her hands to grip at him almost desperately, to leave marks of her own, for her mouth to find him in a way that was all teeth. It was not love. It was desire, annoyance, but her relishing in everything that they were.

As quickly as the reached for the high it found them, her teeth sinking down into his lip that he made a little sound she knew would replay in her mind over and over.

He was good, too good, so good she barely managed to catch her breath before she was only resting against him and allowing herself to actually look at him. She hadn't before. They hadn't quite hit that level yet. The level that she wasn't truly ready for. The level that would firmly change everything.

All of Meredith's moves were carefully crafted and nothing was going to have her change that.

"Do you have any food?" She whispered as her hand ran through his hair, brushing the strands that fell on his forehead.

"Way to hit a guy's ego."

"You're very good at what you do." Meredith whispered ever so softly against his lips before giving him a kiss. "If you want more then you need to feed me." Meredith rolled her eyes at catching her own little innuendo. "Food."

Nathan smiled. "I'll order us pizza when I'm not trapped under you."

"Thank you." Meredith removed herself from where she was and grabbed some of her clothes and made her way to the bathroom.

She couldn't remember the last time she was in a guy's place post sex. It had to be when she was back in med school, given Derek lived in the trailer and they spent most of the time at her place. It was weird. She couldn't help the way she looked around. Nothing special. A shower that was big and had the clear doors that told her it'd make good use for something other than just showering.

Later.

Meredith cleaned herself off before putting her bra and jeans back on. She had half a mind to actually check on her kids but stopped herself. They were asleep when she left and would be asleep when she returned. If they needed her Alex would call her. When she wasn't working she was usually at hope with her babies, who were quickly growing out of being babies. One night where she wasn't there wasn't going to kill her, even if she could feel the little bits of guilt growing within her.

Deep down she knew that she wasn't her mother...the furthest thing from it. She loved her kids and she did her best to spend as much time around them as she possibly could. She wasn't pushing them aside for her own needs...much. Some nights in the early beginning when her grief was still swallowing her whole she didn't do the best mothering, and when she spent nearly two months in the hospital terrifying them that she would end up like Derek.

The ridiculousness of it all that was guilt seeped into her from every avenue of her life. She wasn't truly worried her kids would come to hate her. Rather, she knew they understood and knew that she didn't miss the birthdays and the holidays, not lately, anyway. She put them to bed more nights than she didn't, and made sure she was there when it was time for dinner. She gave them baths and she helped them get ready in the morning. It was her mostly, with sprinklings of her sisters and Alex to get things done faster. Even the nanny was there for when she was working and not because she didn't want to deal with her kids.

It seemed more as if she was looking for reasons to run, rather than reasons to stay. Exactly why she put her phone away and took a deep breath before exiting the bathroom.

When she found him in the kitchen he found his pants and was sitting on a stool. Half of her wanted to come up with some excuse to bolt, but instead she walked around the island and propped herself up onto the counter.

"I ordered pizza while you were snooping." The words were casual as they came from Nathan, but nothing about the look upon his face was.

"I wasn't snooping."

"Okay."

"I wasn't." Her defensive attitude was useless. "Fine. I did a little, but you have a single guy bathroom."

"I'm a single guy."

A silence hung in the air for a few moments. One that wasn't awkward, instead one that just happened to exist. One of the things she appreciated most about him, the way they could exist and she didn't feel the need to fill the silence. Instead she just let her mind wander.

She wasn't a fast kind of girl. Not in the things that mattered most. Not when it came to actually establishing a relationship. She dated Thorpe on encouragement from Alex to get it over with and while he was a nice guy...she hadn't been ready. It took her a while to find that peace where she felt it, and even as she sat there she wasn't sure it existed.

Only she managed to actually buy herself a few more months in which she didn't need to give into what she knew she wanted. Instead she was able to try and figure it out. Not that she got anywhere. All she did know was that she wanted to try. Part of her thought she would never be ready, not really. To move on from something like that. It wasn't Owen and Cristina. They were both alive and had valid reasons for no longer being together. It was Derek being ripped from her world and attempting to figure out how to continue. Nathan knew that struggle, just the mere knowledge of that brought her a willingness to move forth, rather than move back.

At least that was what she liked to tell herself. Who actually knew what the future would hold for either of them, together or apart.

"We need to get better at using condoms." Meredith said almost as abruptly as she felt.

"We're pretty bad about that, aren't we?"

"Cars and counters." She couldn't help but smile. It was always good with him, even if they were a little too reckless for their own good.

"Maybe I should just keep them in my pocket when you're around."

"You should."

"I'm clean." Nathan told her after a moment. "I got tested when I back and you're the only one I've slept with. If you're drinking, I'd guess you're not pregnant."

"The only one?" She asked. "Not pregnant."

"I spent most of my time with April."

His little admission made her feel better than it probably should have. For the longest time she wanted him, but didn't want him, with a side of her not wanting him to have someone else. No one ever said she was a good or logical person. "There was a guy." Meredith shrugged her shoulders, looking up at him. "When we did that surgery at the military hospital."

"Got a type?" He interrupted with his classic smirk.

"Shut up." She rolled her eyes, but smiled. "It didn't go well. You're a little better. A little. Not even worth mentioning."

"I'm excellent."

"It's different with you than him. I'm not a stranger to the one stand, but some are awful and some work out."

"Yeah, I get it."

The knock on the door stopped the conversation from continuing. She watched as he disappeared to the front door and remained seated on the counter. Only even bothering to move once the box was placed on the island.

"When you rejected me in the elevator my first official day at the hospital I never thought we'd be here." Nathan spoke as he grabbed a piece of pizza.

"I was being a good friend."

"And when you jumped me in the parking lot?"

Okay, maybe Meredith didn't have much an excuse for that one. "You and Owen are friends. It all worked out."

"Sister and sister-in-law. I don't think I'm on his list of favorite people."

"Maybe you have an Owen complex."

Nathan rolled his eyes. "Says the woman going from one military man to the next."

"They buy me food."

"Is that why you keep me around?"

"Among other things."

"You being hopelessly in love with me?"

"You have a big ego." Meredith dismissed.

"You feed into it."

"I haven't learned my lesson yet."

"Hopefully, you never do."

Meredith finished eating her slice of pizza as she watched him walk around the island so he was standing next to her. The height difference wasn't much but it existed, causing her to turn and look up at him. He had a good scruffness about him. He had life experience written all over him and she enjoyed that quite a bit.

"Part of this I can kiss you when I want?"

"Feel free to go down on me when you want, too."

"I'll keep that in mind." Nathan placed his hand on her cheek before he kissed her. Meredith closed her eyes and easily accepted it, even though some of it felt like she was burning from the inside out. Slow and steady. It was casual. They were kissing and having fun. It wasn't anything serious, even if she knew they were cemented together from now until they imploded for one reason or another.

That was all she needed to keep telling herself.

A soft moan came from her, until the sound of her phone ringing broke them apart.

"I'd selfishly tell you to ignore if it didn't mean someone is probably dying." Nathan whispered as he reluctantly allowed her to move from him.

"Maybe you're just greedy."

Meredith moved away from him to grab her phone and answer it. Nothing about what she was told on the other end of the phone was anything she ever wanted to deal with. So much so she just stood there, gripping the edge of the counter so hard her knuckles went white, simply allowing the words to be spoken, her stillness telling of what she was feeling.

At least that was what she thought anyhow.

There was always some sort of shoe that dropped on the other end and the only thing she could do was say she'd be right there.

"What's wrong?" Nathan asked as he looked at her with what she knew to be a concerned face.

"My father is in the hospital."

"Do you want me to go with you?"

"I don't even want to go."

Nathan picked Meredith's shirt up and handed it to her. "Come on."

Meredith just signed. "You don't have to come."

"I don't have to but we both know I'm going to show up anyway, so just let me take you now."

Meredith rolled her eyes and took the shirt and put it on. As best as she could. The top two buttons seemed to missing...probably somewhere on his floor that she didn't have time to actually look for. Or did she? It was probably a bad sign that she would rather crawl along the floor looking for buttons she couldn't even reattach until later then go and see her father.

Not that Thatcher Grey was ever much of a father at all and after the death of Lexie things reverted back to the way they'd been before everything.

As if everything was her fault.

Meredith remained silent as they went to the hospital, silent as they walked through the halls, silent as she made her way to the ER, and silent as she approached the place in which her father was being kept for the moment. If there was one person she was perfectly fine never seeing again it was him. He just never seemed to matter much one way or the other, but he always managed to show up when things hit a smooth sail.

Her name echoed from his mouth and she swore she was set back a few years...to the last time he was drunk and in the hospital screaming for her. It made her realize just how deep he'd fallen, and in a way, she couldn't really blame him. Dead wife, dead kid. That didn't make anyone happy. Sometimes Meredith wondered how she managed to still be standing.

"I knew you had to be here. Your name is all over everything." Thatcher's slurred and tired voice echoed throughout the room.

"I'm here." She did her best to pretend she wasn't displeased, but it didn't work out. Happiness wasn't something she had with him.

"I don't feel very good."

Meredith looked him over, standing with her arms crossed over her chest. "How long have you been drinking?"

Thatcher just looked at her with that wide eyed look he tended to have. The one where she knew he was searching for an answer that was a lie, but even if they didn't spend much time together it wasn't as if she couldn't realize certain things about him. Like the fact that he was drinking again and for someone who had a problem it wasn't just one drink on one night. She was there as she watched Richard hit his downward spiral, watched in silence as Amelia lost herself, and now her father was there dealing with his problems in the only way he knew how.

Something the two had in common, if she was willing to think about it. Tequila was something she drank like normal people drank wine or beer. It was copious amounts, it made her feel better, but it was never something she needed to function. Lucky in that regard. She could drink it when she wanted, but she didn't need to drink in order to feel better.

Her kids made her feel better. They were her little addiction. Turned out she didn't need to have good parents in order to be a relatively good one.

"Where's your girlfriend? The one with the tattoos." Meredith figured she already knew the answer but asked anyway.

"We had a falling out."

"Are you taking your medication?"

"Are you done killing my family?" The outburst was sudden and harsh, but not entirely out of character given the state he was in.

That one stung. Even if it was the alcohol and whatever else her father might have been on...it still stung. She let out a breath before simply turning around to walk to where Nathan was standing. She was entirely certain he heard it and she didn't really want to talk about it. It was nice, the way he cared, but for someone who didn't really want to talk about a lot of her problems it was annoying.

Not that he was much of the sharing type unless she flat out asked. They definitely seemed to have their similarities that she came to slowly uncover the more time she spent around him..

"Meredith, wait." Thatcher called for her. "I shouldn't have said that."

Not that it made much of a difference to Meredith and she didn't go back. Instead she only stopped next to Nathan, running her hands over her face. It was the middle of the night and she was supposed to doing literally anything else. Instead she was sucked into something she had no interest in dealing with.

"He's…."

"Drunk and Thatcher Grey? Yeah."

"Not what I was going to say but sure."

"What about your parents?" She asked in an effort to talk about literally anything else.

"Evelyn was always there. Even after Megan. Always there."

Meredith wondered if he had just a strained relationship with his parents as she did hers, or maybe they were dead. Either way she knew what it was like to have someone else. She had Richard, even when she didn't want to have Richard, even when she told him horrible things...he always came through for her. The closest thing to a parent she knew.

"She told me about Megan. Owen filled in the rest of the details."

"What's the deal with you two?" Nathan looked briefly in the direction of Thatcher before looking back at Meredith.

"He made a new family and they keep dying because of me. He's probably rejecting my liver, which sounds about right."

"Maybe he'll die and you won't need to deal with him."

"From your lips to God's ears." Meredith smiled before turning to the nurse. "Page whoever is on call. 911. Page me if there are any complications." She turned back to look at Thatcher once before walking off.

She wanted to go home and had half a mind to suggest it before just walking towards the on call room. Even if she felt largely disconnected from the man in the hospital, leaving him didn't seem to be something she truly wanted to do. It was what Lexie would want and while she wasn't there to be by his side, she'd do it.

Rising above, she liked to call it.

Meredith didn't think much of it as she laid down next to him in the same cot. So much for not wanting anything more than being coworkers within the walls of the hospital. It was the middle of the night and she didn't think Maggie was going to walk in before she had a chance to speak to her, or with Thatcher in the hospital, maybe she just didn't care.

She turned so that her back was against his chest. Far easier to talk if she wasn't looking at him and thinking all of the things that the look upon his face had to of said.

"My mother had an affair with Richard. When I was five she left Thatcher. Richard didn't leave his wife. I didn't see him again until my intern year when I knocked on his door. My step mother died, he became an alcoholic, I gave him my liver, Lexie died, and now he's here." That was the version that left out a lot of details that she wouldn't mind sharing, but didn't want to be there for an hour telling him either. Not when he would be even more sympathetic. Her life was a mess. Even as she laid there...everything felt like it wa a mess, and she didn't need for him to act anything other than the man that he already was.

"You had a rough childhood, didn't you?"

"My daddy issues that obvious?"

"I like you anyway."

Meredith grabbed his arm and placed it around her. She wasn't overly affectionate, but being there, the comfort was something that was nice. She liked having him there and ignoring the fact that her father was somewhere in the hospital. Alone. She didn't really care for Thatcher one way or the other anymore. Maybe in the past she would have had issues and been angry, but she was just indifferent. She couldn't hold onto that resentment and anger. It sucked but she managed to understand in some weird way. Kind of.

Not that she would ever leave her kids, but he did the best thing for himself or the options Ellis gave him.

Or it was her way of rationalizing it so it didn't bother her.

When she woke up a few hours later, by the sound of her phone going off, she was entirely certain she managed to fall asleep before him. She didn't spend much time sleeping in the hospital anymore. She was the type who powered through or went home, which surprised her with the fact that she fell asleep in the first place.

"What time is it?" Nathan's sleepy voice whispered.

"Six." Meredith answered as she moved from his grasp and got up.

She really needed to find something else to wear and make it look like she wasn't there in the middle of the night. She didn't exactly look the best but it wasn't much on her mind. Even in the mere thought of a shower was something she wanted so very much.

It was going to be a long day.

The pair walked to the room where she could read the CT ordered by Stephanie, who had them pulled up when she walked through the door. Ever since she got the phone call the bad feeling didn't go away, and she was long gone from the girl who had any hope that things worked out for the better. She just knew the way her life went and her father wasn't going to be some grand exception to that.

No one was.

"There's a tumor on his pancreas." Meredith said, looking over at Nathan who stood next to her.

"Here are his blood test results." Stephanie stood next to Meredith and handed her the tablet.

"How is he still standing?" Nathan questioned, peering to read over her shoulder.

The alcohol combined with the opiates in his system were of little surprise in combination with the tumor on the CT scan. It was likely worse than the images were showing her, and they'd simply given him something to manage the pain. That or he was stubborn and just wanted to ride it out. The odds weren't good and she'd known lesser doctors to not bother trying if there wasn't a high chance of success. Not everyone took the rise. "Make him comfortable."

"Are you sure? He's already on a lot."

"Go." Meredith ordered and crossed her arms over her chest to focus back on the scans.

"It probably spread."

"Yeah."

"And he probably knows."

"Yep."

Nathan turned so that he was facing her, easily letting go of whatever personal space they may have had before. "Are you okay?"

"He has another daughter that I have to call. I'm more upset I have to call her than the fact he's going to die soon."

"He's blood but he's not family." Nathan let the words come out soft. "You don't have to hold everyone up."

"He's in the military."

"Your dad?"

"No," Meredith shook her head, "her husband. She came for Lexie's funeral but left after that."

"Meredith, are you okay?"

"We didn't talk about it...my mother and I. I think I asked once and she dismissed me, and my entire life he was the guy who poured my cereal in the morning. I wondered a lot how he could just not care, and then I grew up and found out he had two other daughters and he was a great dad. This doesn't change my life, he doesn't know my kids, I don't even know if he knows I have kids. But now I have to make nice because what kind of person isn't nice to her dying father?"

When he didn't answer she just shrugged her shoulders and backed out of the room. It wasn't as if she was new to duties that were nothing more obligation. Most of the time it felt her relationships with both Amelia and Maggie were nothing more obligation. She had a certain way about herself, but she certainly wasn't heartless.

She found out which room her father was in and walked past the door. He was resting and she thought about going in, before simply walking down the hall and pretending she had somewhere else to be. Instead she turned down the hallway and pulled out her phone to call Alex.

"Why are you calling me before the sun is up?" Alex groaned as he answered.

"My dad is in the hospital."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously." Meredith confirmed. "Can you get the kids ready? The nanny will be there, but Zola is on some life boycott."

"Yeah, I got it, Mer."

"And don't tell them about Thatcher."

"I won't."

"Oh, call me during your lunch recess."

"I got it, mom."

"Funny."

Meredith hung up the phone and simply stood there. In a lot of ways it wasn't all that surprising that things had unfolded in the way that they did. It was her life and that was how things went. She couldn't count all of the times her life either turned upside down or someone died. Usually they went hand in hand.

Her father's impending demise was just another thing she needed to deal with. It would likely hit her in the same way her mother's death did. It just happened and she had to deal with the all of the loose ends. That was about it. It didn't hurt that she had increasingly strained relationships with her parents.

In time, because of Derek's death, she could understand why Ellis Grey was the way she was.

But it didn't make her unconditionally love her mother, and nothing came to make her unconditionally love her father. Nothing like that was ever going to happen and one day, it would simply be another thing on the long list of crap that happened. Something she would be able to talk about, but nothing that changed her into someone other than the person she already was.

"Heard your dad's around." Owen said as he took notice of her standing alone in the hall.

Meredith only gave him as much of a smile as she could manage. "What are doing here so early?"

"Amelia's gone. I take the extra shifts."

Meredith pushed herself from on the wall and peered around the corner. "He's in there and I'm pretending he's not."

"How long are you going with that?"

"Until Lexie rises from the dead."

Owen shook his head. "Good luck."

Meredith watched as Owen walked off and just stood there. For too long. She had some time before she had her scheduled surgeries and soon enough everyone would be filtering into the hospital. She was in no mood to actually explain it or get the sympathy looks, and have to actually deal with him.

In an effort to not have her father call for her, she took the long way around the hospital, and found some coffee in the attending's lounge. Coffee that tasted burnt and like nothing anyone would ever actually want to drink, but it was coffee.

"Dr. Grey, you're here." Jo's voice was heard the moment she stepped into the hall.

"Momentarily."

"Mr. Simpin is in Pre-op and Mrs. Fields wants to talk to you."

"Did you try and talk to her?" Meredith asked as she looked over the latest labs.

"I tried. She said she wanted to talk to her actual surgeon."

"Which is you."

"I tried to tell her that," Jo began to explain, "but then she got mad and kicked me out."

"Go answer her questions. Be firm. If you can't do it now, you can't do it in a few months once you pass your boards." Meredith handed her the tablet and began to walk in the other direction. "Prove yourself, Wilson."

After a few minutes she found Nathan, standing in front of the board, looking at the list of surgeries.

"What are you doing?" Meredith questioned as she stood next to him, looking at the board herself.

"I work here."

"You don't have surgery for another forty minutes."

Nathan turned to look at her, a smirk on his face. "So?"

"I'm not dealing with my father." Was all she said as she tugged him down the hall to the supply closet. Perhaps the worst of places, but she wanted a distraction and knew he was a good distraction.

"Do you want me to cover you in gauze?"

Meredith didn't reply before she simply kissed him, grabbing him by the navy scrubs and pulling him closer.

"I thought you said no hospital shenanigans."

"I lied. Now shut up."


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’m here. I’m always here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I never really intended for that little Christmas break I took to last as long as it did, but here's a new chapter. Right before the new episode. 
> 
> Updates should start to even out a little more in the future. 
> 
> Thank you so much for all of the support & encouragement. ❤

It’d been a long while since Nathan had last partaken in a hookup in an appropriate place, at work even. For a moment he forgot how fun it could be given. The fact that they happened to have their little fun in the supply closet that just about anyone could walk in on at any given moment was something of an added bonus.

No one did manage to walk in on them.

Something he was plenty grateful for when he was picking up his shirt off of the floor and handing Meredith her own.

She didn’t speak so he didn’t bother to either.

He wanted to make sure that she was doing okay but from what he’d seen since he met her, she didn’t talk much about things she didn’t want to talk about. Asking over and over was not going to get him anywhere, and in that respect, he knew what that was like. He had a nasty little habit of doing the same thing and sharing into his personal life was something he rarely wanted to do. So many people only knew about his life because Owen had no problem in letting everyone in on the secret, and he’d been willing to elaborate on certain details when Meredith asked.

Otherwise he’d still probably be the guy who came from the Army.

With all of that, when he looked at her he could still feel just how much he still wanted to be with her. He was with her. No ‘what are we’ conversations, she had told him. Not that he minded that. Not when he didn’t need some definition like they were two teenagers sneaking around. Even if it definitely felt like they were two teenagers sneaking around.

If they were they’d of done a piss poor job of it given that Maggie was currently mad at both of them and he’d heard the gossip within the hospital walls more than once.

That he could do without.

“Done avoiding your dad?” The question came as he pulled the shirt over his head, adjusting himself so he looked at least a little bit presentable. He could already feel just how much of a mess his hair was.

“I’m going to go home.” She said as she barely looked over him. “I’m going shower. When I come back I’m going to do some surgeries so I have a valid excuse as to why I don’t want to see my dad. Then maybe, if no one needs me, I’ll be done avoiding my dad.” Meredith took a breath and looked up at him. “My car is at your place.”

“Take mine,” he offered, “I’ll drive you back to my place tonight to get yours.”

The “ _thank you_ ,” that came from her was soft, _genuine_ , delivered in a way he hadn’t quite seen before. At least he hadn’t. Usually there was snark or he was the one telling her to thank him. She was usually rougher around the edges. Not that it was a complaint. No, he happened to like the fact that she wasn’t soft. It was the one thing that only managed to make him more attracted to her as time went on.

When she leaned up and gave him a quick kiss before exiting the room he stood there, collecting himself, in both mind and body, wondering how many unanswered parts of Meredith there still were.

It did make him wonder just how complicated her relationship with her dad was that made it seem as if she was almost going through the motions over being a true person.

Nathan managed to barely make it to his surgery on time. One that went on by without any complications. At least until he needed Maggie to sign off some paperwork.

It wasn’t having someone to answer to that bothered him...his whole career was seemingly like that. Overseas they all had to work together more often than not, so people didn’t die. It wasn’t about certain specialties all of the time, it was working and making sure they all lived, and if something specific came up then you were all the more prepared.

It was the fact that he and Meredith both made a mess with Maggie _and_ she was his boss. It only managed to make things more complicated. For that he didn’t blame anyone but himself. If Meredith wasn’t interested in being honest than he should have been. He didn’t want to get between the two sisters only to end up directly between the two sisters.

So much for that.

He didn’t exactly hurry to find her. But when he did manage to find her she turned around and he let out a breath, wondering how long it was going to be awkward. Probably longer given that neither of them told Maggie about whatever happened. It hadn’t even been a day, it didn’t seem pressing, and yet, she was there. They were still hiding things from her and his conscience was likely going to end up getting the better of him sooner rather than later.

Or that was the good guy part of him that was hopeful.

Nathan stopped thinking and simply handed her the file. “Newly admitted. Not quite stable, thought you’d want to take a look.”

“Uh, yeah.” Maggie replied as she took the file from him.

Neither spoke as she looked it over. It was awkward. No other way to explain it.

“Thatcher Grey is in the hospital.” Suddenly the words came out. He thought she should know, if nothing else for Meredith. She wouldn’t talk to anyone and she wouldn’t act like she needed someone in her corner, but everyone did. Everyone always needed someone who was on their side.

“Grey?” She looked up. “Like Meredith?”

“Her dad.”

“Oh.” Maggie said softly.

“If you wanna go talk to her…” Nathan suggested. “Figure you the type to wanna know.”

“Yeah, no, thanks for letting me know.” Maggie handed the file back. “If anything changes let me know.”

“I will.”

“I’ll go talk to Meredith later.” Maggie said after turning around.

“Pierce,” he called, unable to let her walk away without saying more, “we never meant for this to...hurt you.”

“Then why did you lie?”

“It seemed like a good idea at the time. It wasn’t.” Lying was never a good idea and he knew that lesson better than anyone probably ever did.. “I should have told you the truth that night.”

“Were you sleeping with Meredith then?”

“No.” Nathan shook his head.

“The wedding?”

“Before that.”

Maggie’s gaze hit the floor. “Somehow that makes it worse. I just don’t like being lied to. I deserve the truth and Meredith lies, but I thought you would be able to tell me the truth.”

“The world isn’t black and white.” Nathan only managed to feel worse. “I’m not making excuses, but It’s a long story.”

“That I don’t want to hear.”

Nathan didn’t bother to chase after her then. Not when he knew that it was going to be pointless. In time she would forgive him. _Maybe_. He never thought Owen would, but he also knew that Maggie was very different from who Owen was. She seemed to hold disappointment heavier and unlike what happened with Megan, every move he and Meredith made was intentional.

They knew exactly what they were doing and decided to do it anyway.

He cared but he cared about Meredith more. A lot more. Something about her had drawn him in from the very first moment. It didn’t make him the best person to let whatever was happening with Maggie fall to the side, but it did make him human.

That’s all any of them were...humans who did things. Sometimes they were right and sometimes they were wrong. Things were good and things were bad. In the end, you could only try to be the best person you could be, and not burn every single bridge. There was no chance at surviving with all of the bridges burned.

* * *

“You going to go in?” Nathan asked as he moved to stand next to Meredith who was standing outside of her father’s room.

“No.”

“You’re stalking your own father?” He quipped, trying to lighten the mood for her.

“It’s not stalking. I’m observing.”

“Maggie stop by?”

“No.” Meredith looked over at him with a questioning look. “Was she supposed to?”

Nathan shrugged. “Said she would.”

“Doubtful. She’s unhappy.”

Meredith wasn’t wrong about that one. It was something of an understatement. Maggie was unhappy but she also felt betrayed and pissed off. Only time would manage to undo that and them giving her a true apology.

None of that mattered much when he saw the man in the hospital bed stir and watched out of the corner of his eye as Meredith tried to walk off. Tried being the operative word. It seemed her father had other ideas.

“Meredith!” Thatcher called.

Meredith didn’t go in immediately. Instead she watched the hospital room as if she was debating something. Whatever it was her father won out and she tugged him right along side her into the room.

“How long do I have to stay here?”

“Overnight.” She answered him as she crossed her arms, the word almost cold.

“I can take care of myself.” Thatcher said as he shoved the covers off of him. “I don’t need to be here.”

“No, no, no.” Nathan fired off as he walked over to the bed, helping him getting back in. “You need to lie down.”

“Who are you?”

“Nathan Riggs, sir.”

“You don’t have to call him sir.” Meredith spoke, looking over at the duo.

Thatcher ignored them both. “I need to go home.”

“Lay there.” Nathan said gently, waiting until he was settled back in the bed.

“Marry this one on a sticker?”

The way Meredith froze at the question given by her father made him grateful that he got paged. He didn’t want to leave Meredith there on her own but he didn’t want to bring up too many memories of her dead husband. He didn’t want her to hurt more than she was already hurting just by having her father there.

“I have to go.” He said, looking between the both of them. Before he left he turned to Meredith, leaving oh, so little distance between them, gently brushing his hand against hers. “I’m here. I’m always here.”

Meredith didn’t speak but the way she squeezed his fingers just enough told him all he needed to know.

The entire time that he made his way down to the pit Meredith was consuming his mind. She did that, a lot. Even when she wasn’t supposed to be consuming his mind she was. Before they found themselves together, after they found themselves together. Even as he walked into the room with the patient his last thought before giving his full attention to the patient in need was Meredith.

He hadn’t felt that way in so long he barely knew what to do with himself.

When his patient didn’t end up dying he thought he couldn’t have been too distracted. He thought about going back upstairs to see how Meredith was doing but took a moment when he saw April standing there and all but watching him.

“Out with it, Keps.”

“How’d meeting the parents go?” April asked in a way that was her trying to be fake casual. Not that she was actual causal, not as she barely seemed to read the words on the screen she was so focused on.

“Is Catherine Avery around?”

She looked up at him with a glare. “Don’t even joke.”

“Her dad is…” Nathan didn’t really know how to finish it so he didn’t. He knew the story from what Meredith had told him and there was so little that was likable about the man. Certainly not the mere glimpse of the way he treated Meredith. He didn’t have any kids of his own but there was a point in which he couldn’t ever imagine leaving one behind to form a new life, or treating the one you did have like...well, that wasn’t important.

Meredith came to stand with them before either of them got any further words out. “Lexie picked the worst time to die.”

“As opposed to?” April asked.

“He could have at least died first.” Meredith rested her head on the counter, letting out something akin to a groan, one born from frustration.

“You could do what I do with Catherine.” April spoke actually looking between them.

“I’m the only daughter here. I can’t keep him avoiding him.” She wasn’t pleased with that.

“Just let someone be his doctor.”

“Come on, Mer.” Nathan knew this conversation was going to a weird place all too quickly. “It’s been a long day.”

* * *

“Every time I sleep with you something bad happens.” Meredith commented.

Nathan smirked and looked at her out of the corner of his yeah.. “Yeah, or maybe bad things just happen all of the time.”

“That, too.”

“How’s Alex?” That seemed a better topic of conversation.

“DeLuca is supposed to testify tomorrow.” Meredith let out a soft sigh. “Bailey made me take the day off because my dad.”

“Probably for the best.”

Meredith shot him a look near instantly.

“Hey, don’t shoot the messenger. I didn’t tell you to take the day off.” Nathan paused for a moment. “Your dad is clearly someone who puts you on edge and it’s better that you deal with that then stressing out your patients. I know that you know that, too.”

“Or he could go away and I wouldn’t have to deal with this.”

“Or that.” Nathan gave a nod as he pulled into the parking garage, pulling into a parking spot.

“Call me if he dies.” Meredith joked after a moment of silence.

“Noted.”

* * *

Being in the hospital without Meredith but knowing her father was there made him want to check on her. He didn’t. He let her be. Let her find whatever space she needed. Not that it didn’t mean he hadn’t casually walked by the room in which her father was resting. Just to check. He was sleeping and actually in his bed. He considered that a good thing.

“What are you doing up here?” Owen asked as he joined him as he walked down the hall.

“Just on my way to a surgery.” He really needed to lie better. “Anything from Shepherd?”

“Nothing.”

“She’ll come around.” Or so he hoped that she would come around. He and Owen had been through their ups and downs but he really thought Owen deserved whatever happiness he could get. He really did seem to love her and he didn’t know what was going on. Not really. Everyone could come back if it wasn’t bad enough.

“How’s Meredith? I saw her dad.” Owen asked, turning the conversation back on him.

“She’s Meredith.” The only answer he could give.

“Yeah.” Owen let out a half chuckle. “Wanna grab a drink later?”

“Yeah, sounds good.” Nathan said as Owen turned down the opposite hallway.

With Owen he was expecting the other shoe to drop. As if one of them was going to say the wrong thing and they were going to end up hating each other all over again. That wasn’t going to stop him from taking their friendship as it came.

His day was full of back to back surgeries. Maggie was handing him every single thing that she didn’t want to do. Not really much of a punishment when it came to being a surgeon. They wanted to do surgeries.

Only by the end of the day he couldn’t say he wasn’t exhausted. He was.

When he was leaving to meet Owen for a drink he had his phone in his hand, wondering if he should call her. He texted her briefly between his surgeries and she had remained adamant that she was fine. He wondered if she would ever admit if she wasn’t fine.

Before he could hit the call button he noticed her pacing in the waiting room.

“What are you doing?” Nathan asked as he watched her back and forth in front of the set of chairs.

“My dad called and I’m ignoring him.”

He looked around them, “In the hospital.”

“As it turns out you can only clean your house so many times before it gets boring.” Meredith said as she ran her hands over her face. “He probably wants to relive some memory where he put my hair in pigtails.”

“Little Meredith Grey with pigtails. That’s an image.” One that he couldn’t help but smile at.

“It’s a little girl’s rite of passage.”

“I was gonna go get a drink with Owen,” he said, casually pointing towards the door, “but I can stay.”

“Go.” Meredith told him. “I need to face this one on my own.”

“Are you sure?”

When she all but glared at him he got the message. “Okay,” he put his hands up in defense. “I’m going.”

Nathan found his way to the bar across the street. Not the first time he’d been there, no the last. It took him all of a few seconds before his eyes landed on Owen, happily sitting at the bar, finding him all too happily lost in the effects of the alcohol.

“Slow down, Hunt.” He teased, plopping down on the stool next to him.

“Amelia’s not here.” Owen said as he held up the glass. “She’s gone so I can drink all I want.”

Nathan ordered a drink of his own. “I didn’t say _stop_. I said slow down.” He took a sip of his drink. “Have you heard anything from her?”

“Not a word. No one has.”

“No one?” He asked.

“No one. Or they aren’t telling me, which fair enough if she doesn’t want to talk to me. I just don’t know why.”

“Yeah, we’re going to need more drinks.”

“Yes, we are.” Owen said in agreement as he nearly slammed the glass down on the bartop.

It didn’t take all that long before the two of them cared little about anything around them and were having too much fun for their own good. They were happy, drinking, laughing, smiling, joking around. Everything they did when they were younger and had a brother in one another. Those days were so long behind them but they were days they could try to get back. If the circumstances were right.

“I can still drink you under the table.” Nathan said, finishing off the last of the drink.

“You can try.”

“Is that a challenge?”

“Yes.” Owen didn’t bother to pretend like it wasn’t.

There wasn’t really a winner. Not when they were both too drunk for their own good.

“Hangover, it’s coming.” Owen mumbled, barely stringing the words together.

“Come on,” Nathan said as he stood, grabbing Owen by the arm. “To the hospital we go.”

“Home.”

“Hospital then home.” It wasn’t a suggestion.

They both managed to walk back to the hospital and Owen immediately found himself in the on call room. Nathan was in need of water or coffee, literally anything that would make him feel slightly better than he did. He was entirely out of practice for drinking so heavily and had no interest in continuing. He also had a thought about sitting.

“Meredith.” He whispered quite loudly, unable to keep the smile off of his face at the sight of her, leaning against the wall. Holding himself up didn’t go so well.

“How drunk are you?” She asked, rolling her eyes, crossing her arms.

“Little.” He said as his accent got a little thicker, trying to make the gesture with his fingers. It didn’t really work out. “You’re pretty.”

“You’re drunk.” The smile across her lips was one that was not missed.

“I am.” Nathan nodded as he didn’t bother to deny it.

“Come on,” Meredith tugged at his arm and sat him down in one of the empty Emergency Room stations. “Sit.”

Sitting was good. Very good. He swallowed to keep himself in one piece. “Owen’s fucked up.”

“So are you,” Meredith pointed out as she stuck an IV in his arm.

“Shepherd.”

“One problem at a time. I can’t deal with my dad, Amelia, Alex, and Maggie. Plus, the kids and you.”

Nathan pouted then, just barely. “I’m not a problem. I can sleep it off.” He had half a mind to yank his arm back from her but decided against it.

“You’re not a problem.” She agreed. “It’s too late. In your arm. You’ll feel better in a little while.

“Mm.”

“Richard and Bailey are making my dad go through withdrawal. He already coded once so that’s about how well that’s going.”

“He’ll be okay.”

Meredith laughed at that. “You don’t know me well enough to say that.”

“Do you wanna know what I do know?” Nathan questioned quietly, pulling Meredith by the wrist closer to him. “That I am never drinking like this again.”

“You have to drink regularly if you’re going to drink everything you see.”

“I know that you’ll be okay no matter what happens to your dad and you’re a better daughter than most would be just by being here.” Nathan spoke softly, running his finger in small circles against her own hand. “You don’t have to be here. No one would blame you if you left, but you’re here.”

“He told me not to tell his other daughter,” Meredith said carefully, not moving away from him. “She’s pregnant and they are overseas.”

“Are you going to tell her?”

Meredith shook her head. “I don’t know. He’s her father, not mine.”

“You’ll figure it out.”

“Aren’t you supposed to be drunk and annoying?” She questioned as she looked up at him.

“I can throw up on your shoes later if it’ll make you feel better.”

“It might.”

* * *

Once Nathan had finally come to his senses and wasn’t one hundred percent alcohol, or at least he didn’t feel that way, he found himself back in his apartment. He only managed to sleep for a few hours before he was called in on an emergency. Maggie was dealing with a surgery of her own that was all day and the pressing case was a long one.

Before going into surgery he sent a text to Meredith to see if she was alright, to which she confirmed she was.

Nothing unusual.

By the time he finished with the surgery he didn’t really know what time it was all. All Nathan did know was he was tired, starving, and wanted to see Meredith. He really stopped pretending that he wasn’t as interested as he actually was. It was still mostly kept to himself as he didn’t want to create more drama with Maggie than already existed.

Before finding the much needed coffee to finish out the shift his day bled into he walked by the room in which Thatcher was in. Meredith was nowhere to be found. He wasn’t that surprised.

“Have you seen Meredith?” Thatcher shouted from where he was lying in bed.

“I haven’t.” Nathan answered as he walked into the room, just barely.

“She doesn’t want me here. Like her mother in that way.” Thatcher said, looking up at the ceiling. “Ellis would have told me to leave, but Meredith won’t see me. I’ve never been the father she needed or wanted.”

Nathan honestly wasn’t quite sure what to say, listened to Thatcher as he looked him over. “She turned out alright.”

“Is she happy?”

“She’s Meredith.”

Thatcher’s heart rate dropped after that and he immediately called the code. Even though he was right there it did nothing to save the man’s life. Sometimes it was just a matter of circumstance.

“Time of death.” Nathan said, looking down at this watch. “ 10:47.” When he turned around he didn’t expect to see Meredith standing there, leaning against the door, arms folding, watching with a straight face.

“Well, that’s that. My parents are officially both dead.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Okay." Meredith breathed, running her fingers through his hair. "If you're here I'm here."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally got around to updating. Thank you for all of the support. The next chapter should be up a lot sooner. I got a lot of writer's block with this one, but the next one is mostly done.

"Meredith." Nathan spoke gently as he moved towards where she was standing in the doorway.

"It's almost poetic, running away from both my parents, only to have both die in this hospital." Meredith stated as she kept her gaze on the bed. She didn't really know what to feel. Even when her mother died her feelings were complicated and she was going through a lot at the time. As she stood there, Nathan in front of her, just enough to the side so her gaze didn't break on her dead father…it was just so complicated. He wasn't ever there for her but she wasn't totally void of all feelings. "I should be more upset, shouldn't I? Like I should have wanted more time or maybe he should have met my kids. That's silly because he wasn't even there for me why should my kids know him when I don't?"

"Meredith." He interjected.

Not that it caused Meredith to stop, no she just kept looking ahead. "He wasn't there for me and now he's dead. I can barely think of a good memory. Just a lot of bad memories." Memories that she didn't want to relive and memories that she didn't really want to share with him either. Not yet.

"Come on." Nathan didn't give her much of an option to ignore him, hand gripping her arm as he tugged her out of the room and down to the attendings' lounge.

Meredith eventually followed along of her own will, even moving to sit down on the couch. The lounge was empty and it was something she was grateful for. The last thing she wanted to do was be around people. Nathan didn't count. When he sat down next to her she glanced at him briefly out of the corner of her eye. He had better things to do and she always had a problem of accepting comfort when she really needed it. Probably because Derek was always there and overbearing, asking questions she didn't want to answer. A strong contrast to Nathan who was quiet and didn't ask. He was just there. Quiet and offering his support without really offering all that much at all.

"You need to go deal with it." Meredith urged even though she didn't want him to leave.

"They can wait."

Meredith didn't fight it again. She knew the logistics of everything that needed to be done, but Nathan was right...it could wait a few minutes. She let out a soft breath before resting her head on his shoulder, gripping his hand in her own.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, it's okay. I'm okay."

Nathan didn't say anything else and Meredith didn't mind. She took the silence as it came. Her eyes closed as she tried to think of her father. Thatcher really. He was never much of a father and for as much as she wanted to say she couldn't fault him...she did. He should have been there for her when he was there for his other daughters. She deserved to have a father, too, didn't she? The universe didn't seem to see it that way and instead dealt her every bad hand it could.

Her mother was no walk in the park. Sometimes she swore she hated her and other times she understood her. In the end, Ellis was her mother. Their relationship was complicated and when she died it almost felt as if a weight was lifted off her shoulder.

With Thatcher it was completely different. She felt weighed down and full of questions. She didn't want to do anything. She didn't want to deal with it. She wanted to be in a state of bliss with Nathan and figure out whatever was going on between them. She wanted to do surgeries and take her kids to the park. She didn't want to try to figure out what do with her father's dead body and have to call his other daughter who she hadn't spoken to since she was nothing more than an intern.

It didn't matter what she wanted. It rarely ever did. She just had to suck it up and move on with her life.

Jackson looked up from his phone when he walked into the room, looking at them both on the couch, "Am I interrupting?"

"No," Meredith was almost grateful for the break from her thoughts.

"April said your dad was here."

"He's dead."

"Happened a little while ago." Nathan finished for her.

"Do I bury him? Or cremate him? What do you with your dad?" Meredith mused aloud, "I can't just leave him in the morgue forever...can I?"

"What did you do with your mom?" Jackson asked while pouring himself some coffee.

Meredith made a guilty face. "Richard and I...washed her down the sink in OR 2."

Nathan immediately turned her then. "You washed your mother down a sink?"

"It was her favorite OR."

Jackson's own look was something to be rivaled. "I don't think you're supposed to be that literal."

"Surgery was her life. You don't get two Harper Avery's for doing the bare minimum."

Nathan got a page, causing him to pull away from her. "You okay?"

She didn't want him to go, as selfish as that was, but knew she couldn't keep him. Instead she forced a smile. "I'll be fine."

"If you need anything..." Nathan as he stood but not leaving until he gave her a quick kiss. "When I die please don't wash me down an OR sink."

"I make no promises."

Jackson looked between them until Nathan rounded the corner and his eyes were on Meredith. "How's Maggie?"

"She doesn't know." Meredith tried to look and feel a little less guilty about that.

"How'd that work out last time?"

"Who was the one who stood up at April's wedding and gave her a speech while his girlfriend sat there?"

"Low blow, Grey." Jackson smiled anyway.. "We apologized."

"And now you're divorced."

"And living with my ex."

"Living with your ex who you have a baby with. See Avery...no judging." Meredith said as she got up from the couch. "Now I have to figure out what to do with my dead dad."

"I just heard." Maggie said as she burst into the room and gave Meredith a hug. "I should have been there for you, no matter what."

"Maggie."

"No, I was just upset but it's your dad. If my dad…."

"We didn't have a relationship." Meredith didn't know what to say and hated the way it came out so harsh. "I have to go."

Maggie took a step back and looked at her all puzzled, looking over to Jackson for an answer. He didn't have and only shrugged, immediately drinking his coffee.

Meredith was grateful Jackson didn't seem to say anything. She really didn't need to drag another person into her mess but she just couldn't really talk to Maggie about it. She knew they had been together previously but wasn't aware they were actually together again. Sometimes Meredith couldn't believe she was actually with him and happy. She was happy. Even though sometimes it felt so uncertain and as if it wasn't real, along with all the dramatics that seem to come with it, he made her happy. The only others who could manage to do that was her kids. She loved them beyond words but Nathan brought her something else.

Maggie was blocked from her mind as she had to deal with all of the paperwork. Thatcher had listed her as his emergency contact after Lexie died and his other daughter moved out of the country. Another favor he did her.

She would bury him and Molly could deal with the rest. After that she could go back to her life of not having a father.

It wasn't until later she saw Nathan again. Saw being a loose term when he was walking out of surgery and she had been lurking the halls to wait for him. Getting forced into taking time off in order to deal with all this did little to help her. Only made her more ancy and waiting.

"I thought you would have gone home by now." Nathan said as he moved to fill out the chart.

Meredith probably should have gone home, but there she was. "Molly Thompson. I don't know her husband's first name...could you see if you can find anything?"

"I'll make a call."

"I should bury him...next to his wife." Meredith thought aloud. "He'd like that, maybe. I don't really know what he'd like. Maybe he has a will where all of that is laid out." Unlikely. "Deluca threw the trial." Another topic of conversation was better.

"What?"

"I have no idea. It's kind of a mess."

"Think it has something to do with Wilson? They've been spending a lot of time together."

"How do you know that?"

"Because," Nathan began and turned to her, "I actually pay attention to other people."

"I pay attention."

"Do you want my honest reply to that?"

"No." Meredith wasn't winning that one. "I'm going home. I'm going to sit with my kids and deal with this later."

"I'll call you when I find something."

Meredith gave him a smile before turning off, only to look back at him, "Nathan?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you."

* * *

When Meredith got home the house was quiet. A rarity when she had three kids who needed her attention at any given time. That night she didn't mind though. Not when everything was going the way it was. Seeing Alex sitting in the living room was nice, she had to admit. Someone she could just talk to without worrying about things. She never had to filter around him.

"Thatcher is dead." She said as she dropped her bag onto the chair. "I'm sleeping with Riggs and Maggie doesn't know, and I have to find a way to honor my estranged father. Should factor in find missing Amelia so Owen doesn't lose his mind into that, too."

"Bailey is looking at the paperwork to get me my job back."

Well that was good news. "Drink?"

"Drink." Alex nodded. "I put the kids to bed. I didn't know how long you'll be."

"It's fine. I'm here for a few days."

"What are you going to do?"

"Clean. Drink." Meredith shrugged as she grabbed the bottle of tequila. Sometimes she wondered why they had a whole mess of other liquors they were never going to drink.

"About your dad."

"Bury him." Seemed to be simple. "What happened with Deluca?"

Alex took the bottle from her hand before taking a sip. "He wanted an apology."

"Just an apology? Did you give him one?"

"Yeah." Alex handed her the bottle.

Meredith took a swig, as much as she could tolerate. "Don't go around punching people."

"Don't lie to your sisters."

They passed the bottle back and forth a few times. She felt better, a little. Everything was still a mess and well, tequila couldn't fix her problems, but it did make her not really care about them.

Until the knock at the door came and she sighed heavily before answering it.

"Wilson." Out of all the people Meredith was expecting she didn't think the resident would be standing there.

"I know it's late and the kids are sleeping. I tried not to wake them...is Alex here?"

Meredith stepped aside, "Come in."

"Dr. Riggs told me to give you this." Jo handed her a little envelope.

"Thanks. I'll...," she looked over at Alex who only had eyes for Jo. "Leave you two."

The last thing Meredith saw before disappearing up the stairs was Alex and Jo hugging. Alex didn't talk about their relationship much and she didn't really blame him. Not the way Jo got up in arms about details, but what he did share...she thought they could work it out. They were alive, something that had become the standard. They were both alive and nothing could really keep them apart if they loved each other enough. She thought they did.

She checked on the kids before moving to her bedroom. They were fast asleep and she noted just how peaceful they looked. Still so innocent and without any true problems. Zola's biggest challenge day in and day out was what she was going to wear.

Once comfortable in her bed she opened the little envelope Jo handed her and read through the information Nathan left her with. Dramatic….to write it down like they were living in the stone age. Since she was mostly definitely not living in the stone age she decided to call him.

"You didn't need to call me," He answered.

"I wasn't going to but Wilson came over, and I don't really want to watch her and Alex."

"Are you hiding in your own house?" The amusement was clear.

"I'm hiding in my own house." Meredith relented. "Thanks for this."

"It was nothing."

"I don't want to call her and ruin her day."

"You're ruining it no matter what. Her dad's dead."

"I don't even know her." She replied as she laid back on the bed. "I met her once but I wasn't that interested."

"Treat it like you would anyone else. You've made this call before."

He was right. "Okay, I'll do it."

"Goodnight, Meredith."

Meredith exited the call and remained lying there. She didn't want to do it. It was as simple as that. It was not a call she wanted to make and one she tried to put off. The time difference made it so it was morning there and to ruin her day...not that it mattered. Losing a parent was losing a parent. Ten in the morning or ten at night her pain was going to be the same.

She relented, dialing the phone number.

The call lasted five minutes and twenty eight seconds. She felt more awkward than anything else and was grateful there wasn't much need for small talk. It wasn't like with Lexie...the two of them were never going to be sisters. She was just another one of Thatcher's daughters who had to deliver bad news.

That's all the Grey's had...bad news.

Meredith knew she probably should have gone to bed. Ellis had a habit of waking up early and exhausting Meredith within twenty minutes. With her kids she needed as much sleep as she could get. Especially with being a surgeon. The only thing she wanted to do was talk to Nathan again.

It'd been a long time since she had someone to share things with so casually. Derek was always around. Even in their early relationship when she wasn't willing to share all that much. Nathan and her had different boundaries...namely because of her kids, but she could still call him...again.

"I ruined her day." Meredith said before he could even get a word out.

"It's better she knows."

"Is it?"

"I'd like to know." He said softly. "Limbo doesn't do anyone anything."

"I guess it's better. Now the hormonal crying…" Meredith shrugged. "I'm taking some time off, and by taking I mean Bailey is forcing me."

"Kepner got your surgeries."

"She's going to kill my patient.s."

Nathan let out a laugh, "She's not going to kill your patients. She's a good surgeon."

"Molly just had her baby. A girl."

"How many sisters do you have?"

"Molly is Thatcher's other daughter. Lexie is dead. Derek has four sisters. I only talk to Amelia really. Maggie is my mother's other daughter." It was quite a list when she thought of it. "There's Cristina. I'm not taking in any more sisters. I don't care if one shows up on my doorstep. I'm all out."

"Quite a family tree."

"How much do you wanna bet Wilson and Alex are having sex on my couch?" Not like it would be the first time someone living in that house that wasn't her did.

"Go look."

"I don't need to see Alex's ass and have my day ruined."

"Your dad died, that should ruin your day."

Meredith rolled her eyes. "Shut up." Still, she got up from her bed and softly padded down the hallway before peering over the stair case. There weren't any not safe for children noises so she thought it was safe. "They're just talking."

"Don't sound so disappointed."

"They'll get back together and then he get out of my house. They can get married or whatever."

"You sound like you're ready to throw them a wedding."

"She's married." Meredith slipped when she walked back to her room.

"To Alex?"

"No, I don't know who he didn't tell me, and I didn't tell you."

"We have secrets now?"

"Got a problem with that?"

"No, I don't."

"Once this settles down we should have dinner." They hadn't really gotten that far and it sounded nice.

"Meredith Grey, are you asking me to dinner?"

"Yes."

"I'd be happy to go to dinner with you."

* * *

Days past before Meredith found herself back at the hospital. Only not for work. Instead her youngest daughter was on her hip, holding onto Meredith. They were both exhausted.

"Have either of you seen Alex?" She asked Owen and Arizona.

"Not lately."

"He's in surgery." Nathan said as he leaned over and put his file back. "Went in about an hour ago."

"Do you need something?" Owen asked.

"Arizona, can you look at her? Alex said he would. She has an ear infection and she won't stop screaming. It's not clearing up."

"Of course." Arizona smiled, "Come here, baby girl. Let's give your mama a break for a few minutes."

Owen got paged and gave her a sympathetic smile while Meredith leaned against the nurse's station. She was tired. More tired than tired if that was even a thing.

"Cute kid."

"I'm not…" She couldn't even tell Maggie about them she needed to try and keep some boundaries.

"I know."

"The universe is trying to kill me."

"I don't think it'll succeed."

"Your schedule says you're off tomorrow."

Nathan turned to her then, a smirk on his face. "Keeping tabs on me?"

"I have to go to my dad's house and I want you to come."

"And your daughter?"

"The nanny will watch her." Which she did feel bad about. "Naptime. She won't even know I'm gone and I have to go eventually."

"Okay," Arizona came back out, "I'll write you a prescription for some antibiotics. It should clear up. If it doesn't I'll look at her again. She was a very good girl." Arizona said as she handed her the prescription. "Sofia is mine for Christmas and she keeps asking about Zola."

"Zola would love to see her."

"Great. I gotta go." Arizona smiled as she walked off.

"Tomorrow."

Meredith was holding Ellis who was resting against her. "Nine?"

"I'll pick you up." Nathan smiled at her and Ellis briefly before taking his leave.

Meredith stood there for a minute before taking a walk around the hospital. They both needed some air. She didn't really know how stay at home moms did it. She was going crazy in that house with no adults to talk to and she really missed cutting people open. A lot.

"What are you doing here?" Maggie asked as she walked into the attendings lounge.

"Boredom." Meredith answered before turning to Ellis. "Ear infection."

Maggie took Ellis from her as Meredith laid down on the couch. "You didn't come home."

"I'm still mad at you and Nathan but he works here. Under me. I can't act like he's not here. So it's just easier to avoid you and your dad died and what was I going to do?"

"Do you know where Amelia is?"

"She's not answering her phone."

"If you're going to be mad at someone it should be me. I told him not to tell and he didn't. He's a good guy."

"He could have told me. You could have told me." Maggie held onto Ellis who was just in the mood to be cuddled. "It's on both of you."

"I know. I'm sorry." Meredith paused. "After Derek I didn't expect this. After Thorpe I just thought…" Meredith shrugged. "I didn't mean any of this to happen and if I could pick someone you didn't I would pick someone else, but you don't get to pick these things. They happen. It's messy."

"Just don't lie to me anymore."

Meredith couldn't promise to not lie to her again and then lie to her. She had to do the adult thing. Apparently that was something she was practicing a lot more often than she used to. "Nathan and I are...seeing each other."

"Okay."

"Are you mad?"

"I'm glad you told me." She handed Ellis back over to Meredith. "Go home. You should sleep in your own bed...both of you."

Maggie left the room and Meredith wasn't sure what kind of reaction it was. Was she mad? Was she accepting? Maybe a little bit of both? Only time would tell.

* * *

"I told Maggie about us." Meredith told Nathan the next morning when she got in his car.

"That explains her bumping me off a surgery yesterday."

"I should have told you."

Nathan shrugged. "It'll blow over. I think the only reason she didn't call me in was because she didn't want to see me."

"Do you think it'll blow over?"

Nathan looked at her out of the corner of his eye briefly, "You can't stay mad forever. Even Hunt got calmed down."

Meredith supposed he was right. Owen wasn't that mad at Nathan anymore and had taken their revelation decently well. He didn't break Nathan's nose and most other people didn't seem to care one way or the other. She considered that something of a victory.

When they got to her dad's house she was half hoping it would have been burnt to the ground or something equally ridiculous. No part of her wanted to actually go inside. It was never a place that was hers. It was Lexie's...before Lexie came to live with her.

"I only came here once." She said as they stood at the front door. "It was my intern year. He asked me if I needed anything and I told him I didn't. Then I slept with this guy and all my friends hated me."

"We've all slept with people we shouldn't have."

"Who is yours?"

"Going inside?"

Meredith knew he didn't want to talk about it so she didn't push it. Instead she actually entered the house. There were a few liquor bottles, some old pill bottles, food, clothes, and just the general disaster of it all. "I've never actually been inside." She said as she absently touched some things. It all felt meaningless. "They grew up here. They had a normal childhood. He didn't bother...at least not enough."

"Before he died he asked me if you were happy."

"What did you say?"

"That you were Meredith. I don't think I was the best person for that. I don't know you that well."

"I don't know you that well either and I'd like to."

"Cheating on Megan will always be my biggest mistake and my biggest regret. If I could go back I would. Maybe we'd be married with kids right now. _Happy_. Maybe Derek would live and you'd get to raise your three kids together." He spoke slowly, looking everywhere but her, "but then I look at you and think maybe I was always supposed to end up right here." He swallowed, shaking his head. "Anyway, now you know a little more."

Meredith didn't really know what to say. "We're here now. That's what matters." She continued to walk through the house. It wasn't really the place for them to talk but the little insight helped. "This isn't my job," she turned to him, "what do I do?"

"I don't know." Nathan replied and walked so he was standing behind her. "You don't have to do this if you don't want to. You don't owe him anything."

"I'll just keep it and when Molly can travel she and her husband can go through it." Meredith walked down the hall and found herself in Lexie's room. "I was horrible to Lexie when we first me but she said she loved me anyway." She went over to her dresser and looked at the picture on top of it. "I used to wonder what it was like to grow up with a sister. My kids have that."

"It's good they have each other and it's good you had Lexie, even for just a time."

He was right. The amount of times Nathan would say something and she thought that he was right was...a lot. He had a knowledge that she denied herself, the ability to take things as they were. No obligations, no questions. She didn't need to be there and doing this when if it had been her own funeral she didn't think he would show up. That just saddened her. "Lexie died in a plane crash." She didn't know why she was telling him but she was. "We were in a plane crash. Lexie died out there. Mark died when we got back. Arizona lost her leg." She put the picture down and looked over at hm. "It was awful. I think after that...Thatcher was never going to come back from it."

Nathan walked so he was standing in front of her, looking down. He tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. "I'm sorry about your sister and Mark. You're right...he probably wasn't going to come back from that. We both know those losses shape you. They don't roll off like they are nothing. You're here and that's the important part. I think your sister would appreciate you trying."

"She would." Lexie saw the best in people, saw the best in Meredith when she had no best to offer. "The hospital is named after them. Lexie Grey and Mark Sloan. I guess I'll own even more of it now."

"How much of the hospital do you own?"

"Forty five million dollars worth. My father got Lexie's shares but we used them to buy the hospital."

"Chump change."

Meredith smiled. "Yeah, chump change." She let out a breath and looked around. "I don't think I should be here."

"Do you want to go?"

"I do."

Meredith only managed to take a full breath once they were out of the house and into the fresh air. It just wasn't her place and she had no desire to make it that way. When Molly could come back to Seattle she would let her deal with it...until then the house wasn't going anywhere. She took a seat on the steps and looked out at the neighborhood. Nice and quiet.

"Do you need anything?"

Meredith glanced up at Nathan, "Just sit here with me." When he sat she glanced over at him. "I felt indifferent before. Now I just feel…"

"Sad?"

"Lost." It was the first time she said that out loud to someone else. "When I went to see Derek it wasn't just about us. It was guidance. He always knew what to do."

"You know what to do. Deep down, you know it. You don't need him to guide you. You don't need anyone to guide you."

Even if Nathan was right there were moments where she thought it would be easier if someone could push her along the right path. She took so many twists and turns that someone usually ended up dead. She really didn't want to be next.

* * *

Ending up in his apartment wasn't a part of the original plan but with how little time they spent at her father's house it seemed a good idea. Meredith couldn't deny she liked the moments where they got to hide away as if they didn't exist to the outside world. She kicked off her shoes and found herself plopping down on his bed the very moment she could. "I love my kids and I sometimes love my sisters, but laying in a bed they aren't occupying is a luxury."

"Can I join you or should I sit in the chair?"

"I guess you can lay here."

Nathan laid down next to Meredith. "Hi."

"Hi." She whispered, turning so her face was inches from his. She reached down and grabbed her phone, twisting herself so she was resting on his chest. "This is Zola. Alex had a little program to fix a bunch of sick kids and Derek suggested we adopt her. She can get you to do anything and she's really handled Derek's death better than I did." She smiled down at the picture of her daughter. "This is Bailey. Derek Bailey. He was born in the middle of a storm but he's so quiet and calm. I have no idea where he gets it from. Shepherds aren't quiet."

"Named him after the Chief?"

"Yeah, she saved my life. My spleen was ruptured." She scrolled through a few more picture. "This is Ellis. I found out I was pregnant after he died and we left. I just took the kids and left. I couldn't be in that house. She looks a lot like Derek. I'm half certain she'll grow up to be a mini Amelia. She likes to be with me or Amelia, but she's gone. I know you've seen them and I've talked about them but them, and I'm not ready for you to meet them but you should know them."

"Cute kids, Mer. Though if you have a mini Amelia on your hands we all be in trouble."

"Yeah, they're alright." Meredith smiled, turning over onto her stomach and looking up at him. "If I told you know I might know where Amelia is would you tell me to tell Owen?"

"I would tell you to do what you think is best. If that's being on Owen's side or Amelia's side...only you know that."

"You were right. They're not gonna last."

"I didn't want to be right."

Meredith raised her eyebrow at him. "You didn't? Didn't want him miserable and lonely?"

"He hated me...I didn't hate him."

"Not once?"

"Not once. But he didn't cheat on my sister."

"Don't cheat on me."

"I won't." He promised. "This mean we're not seeing other people?"

"Not seeing other people. Unless you're already seeing someone else."

"You're a handful."

"I am easy." That didn't make her sound too good.

"And a handful. Don't think I forgot our first night in your car."

Meredith smiled. "That was a pretty long night."

"You couldn't get enough. Making up for lost time."

"Something like that. I know what I like." She made no apologies for it.

"Oh, I know. It's hot, _you're_ hot."

Apparently that was all it took for her to find herself on top of him, stealing a kiss. Stealing hardly the accurate term when he was all too willing. His hands moved along her body and she could feel the desire to building within her. Just as it always did around him. She never expected to feel like that about someone again and then he had to show up and ruin her plan to let herself just be after Derek.

Nathan rolled them so he was on top, settling between her legs that had gone and wrapped themselves around him. He smelled good. Very Nathan. Whatever that meant. He was intoxicating almost, as if she couldn't get him close enough. They were all tangled in each other with their clothes still on and she just wanted to be closer, wanted more, wanted to get lost in him. She'd settle for the breathless kisses for the moment.

"What's it like? To be a surgeon out there." She asked while she caught her breath.

"Nothing like it is here." Nathan looked down, keeping his gaze on her lips. "You do what you have to in order to save someone with what you have. Sometimes you're not sleeping and you're not eating, but there's a guy who is fighting the real fight so all of that stuff can wait. It doesn't really matter. Not in the grand scheme." Nathan shrugged. "It's easier here sometimes. They die and it sucks but the odds of saving a life are higher."

"Do you ever want to go back?"

"My whole life is out there, but I made this life." He kissed her again, tugging on her bottom lip. "I'm here. I'm in this. I'm not going anywhere. I'm in my fourties. Megan's been dead for a long time. It...it what it is but I'm here."

"Okay." Meredith breathed, running her fingers through his hair. "If you're here I'm here."

"Not bad for people with commitment issues."

"Shut up." Meredith smiled and ran her hands along his jaw. She liked when he didn't shave. He looked hotter then. "I have to go to my father's funeral."

"Yeah, might be good."

"Arizona has Sofia for christmas. I can arrange something for Bailey. Ellis, I'll see if Jackson and April will take her for the night. we could just, _be_ , here."

"Are you dumping your kids to spend a night with me?"

She frowned, "When you put it like that I sound like a horrible mother."

"All mothers need breaks and orgasms. I don't make the rules."

"I haven't had a break since...I didn't even have three kids."

"One night won't hurt them."

"How are you so wise?" Meredith whispered, unable to help herself from smiling. "You're so laid back all the time."

"Getting worked up doesn't help anyone."

"Tell that to Amelia and Maggie and Owen...this list could get quite long."

"And you."

"I don't get worked up."

Nathan tried to keep himself from laughing. "You spent nearly a year hating me and when I breathed wrong you found something to bitch about."

"I had valid reasons."

"What were they?"

"Owen...hated you." Her reply was weak and she was certain he'd see right through it.

"You had sex with me four times. Pause for effect...four times while Owen still hated me."

"That's not important." Meredith dismissed. "April was your only friend and she doesn't have the best taste."

"Didn't you say Keps was into your husband?"

"Okay," Meredith pouted then, "if you're going to remember everything how am I supposed to win?"

"You're not." Nathan gave her a quick kiss. "That's the fun."

* * *

By the time Meredith actually found herself back at work she felt things were falling into a bit of normalcy. The funeral was close and Molly was flying out so she could deal with everything. More than she would ever be willing to do with a newborn or however old her daughter was, something Meredith didn't pay all that much attention to. Once the funeral was over she could pretend nothing ever happened and go back to dealing with her life.

That was what she wanted more than anything.

Being able to perform surgery again certainly did help.

She made plans for Zola and Sofia to have a sleepover, one of the mom's from Bailey's preschool was more than happy to take Bailey for the night so the boys could hang out together like they liked, and Jackson said they would watch Ellis for the night. She owed both Arizona and Jackson, she knew that much, but one night when she didn't have to worry about her kids was something she needed.

Only Meredith had to keep convincing herself that she wasn't a terrible mother for taking one night. It was only one night and the kids wouldn't even know the difference. Both Zola and Bailey would be happy with their friends, and Ellis wasn't sick anymore so she could be without her for the night.

That still was her primary concern. Not when the funeral for her father was so close and she had to sit through another funeral. It was the funeral itself more than who it was for that actually managed to bother her. Something that only said as more about the relationship they shared.

"What are you still doing here?" Nathan asked as he walked into the attendings' lounge.

"I'm leaving soon. I had an early morning surgery."

"Are you just making excuses?"

"Kind of." Meredith admitted as she put on her coat. "Do I look okay?"

"You're going to a funeral. I don't think you could look bad."

"Nathan."

"I'd do you."

Meredith rolled her eyes but appreciated the comment anyway. "I think that's true all the time."

"It is." Nathan walked over to her. "That's the plan for tonight."

"You do know how to charm a girl."

"I try."

"I have to go." Not that it actually caused her to move any. Instead she just stood there and looked up at him. "Do a cool surgery in my honor. I had to give mine to Webber."

Nathan smiled and kissed her. "I'll try. Call me if you need me."

"I'll see you tonight after I fake mourn my dad."


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’m in this. Whatever this is, whatever it turns out to be, whatever our story is...it’s us, okay. It’s ours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updating on time for the second week in a row...what is this madness? This chapter is quite a bit longer than my normal ones and I ended up cutting out a good chunk, but I just had the muse for this so I wrote it. Thank you for the all continued support. ❤

After Meredith left for the funeral Nathan tried not to worry too much about her. He saw just how complicated her relationship with her father was and how not close they were. It was something more of formality than anything else, one where she could close the door before managing to open another one to the rest of her life. That was always what death did when it was a figure in your life, good or bad. They both knew that well. **Too well.**

It was a quiet day, _too_ quiet, or maybe he was just far too used to the hustle and bustle of being in the Middle East. Nathan had been back in the States for a while but he was out there for so long that it was far more ingrained in him. The quiet moments were the moments when his thoughts ran with him. Sometimes good places, other times bad places. The gamble that came with it just made it easier if he was caught up in a case that pulled all of his focus.

Paperwork was really the only thing he had to do. He sat in the attendings’ lounge, making a home for himself at the table with coffee that had gotten cold. The amount of times he checked his watch and his phone were getting alarmingly high, which was still better than any of the thinking he was struggling to not to.

His mind moved to Meredith so often. It was like that since he met her...just always thinking about her. It caught him by surprise and as they had fallen into something of a relationship it was less surprising, while still managing to catch him in a moment where he didn’t think it would happen again for him. Not with Meredith. Not with anyone. After Megan he didn’t think anyone could make him feel like she did. It was something he wanted to hold onto forever while worrying that it was going to slip through his fingers. Sometimes Meredith really felt like she was one foot out the door. Not that he could actually blame her. Not when so many times he was the guy who was out foot out the door when a girl wanted more than one night with him.

The cold coffee that tasted terrible like all cold coffee did managed to get him back on track as he finished the set of files he told himself he needed to get through.

At least until Meredith walked through the door.

“I hate funerals.” Meredith sighed heavily as she sat down opposite of him at the table.

Nathan didn’t really think that he was going to see her until that night, surprise showing in his face. “How’d it go?”

“Molly reacted like any daughter with a loving father is like. I’ll never know that.” Meredith paused, shrugging. “I don’t really want to talk about it anymore.”

“We won’t talk about it then.”

“Do any cool surgery?”

“Paperwork.” Nathan answered as he pointed down at the files.

Meredith made a face. “Boring.”

“Better than going to a funeral.”

“I am inclined to agree. Just this once.” Meredith looked restless and stood up. “I’m going to shower and spend some time with the kids. I’ll be back later. You can make forget about this day.”

Nathan reached around the side of the table, tugging her back towards him, just so he could give her a kiss before she left. “My pleasure.”

Meredith didn’t leave just yet, instead allowing the kiss to deepen, taking comfort where she could get it. “Okay, now I’m leaving.”

He didn’t miss the smirk on her face and his thoughts took quite the turn because of it. He really should have just let the interns do the paperwork, mess and all.

* * *

By the time the end of the night rolled around Nathan was glad that Meredith was running late so he wasn’t leaving her to stand there like an idiot. An emergency came in and he found himself running late when the surgery didn’t go according to plan, as far south as it seemed it could and even as he waited for her he was getting the last of the chart filled out.

“Do you know where Arizona is?” Meredith asked as she hald Ellis on her hip and Zola standing next to her.

“She’s coming down the hall.” The little girl looked right up at him, but saw Sofia and bolted. He was glad because he knew Meredith wanted to keep them separate until she ready for them to make that move. The last thing he wanted to do was make her uncomfortable.

“Friends are easier when you’re seven.” Meredith mused and noticed Arizona walking towards them. “I’m going to go find Jackson.”

“They were best friends before Callie moved to New York.” Arizona said as she stopped next to him once Meredith was off walking down the hall, watching the two girls get reacquainted.

“They look like best friends now.”

“She looks hot,” Arizona said, “ _Meredith_ . Always hot but that’s look good for my _boyfriend_ hot.”

“You’re right. She always looks hot.”

Arizona narrowed her eyes slightly, “You’re dodging me.”

Nathan looked over at the kids and thought better of saying anything else.

“They can’t hear us,” she dismissed, “have you guys not had the conversation?”

“We’re not having it.”

“Why not?”

“Because it doesn’t matter.”

“Is this about Derek? She asked, leaning in just slightly “I know that he did so much for that girl but you can’t let that get in the way. We all have to move on eventually. Didn’t you lose someone? I remember Hunt punching you and the gossip running while you two were together. That was interesting.”

Nathan smiled while shaking his head. If nothing else she was amusing. “We’re spending time together.”

“You look at her with heart eyes every time she walks by. I know that look. I’ve had that look. It’s like every time Jackson walks past April and he thinks none of us are watching.”

“Are you comparing us to a divorced couple?”

“Just because you get divorced doesn’t mean you stop loving the other person.”

Nathan knew they had moved on from Meredith and April all together. “Torres?”

“What? No. We’re...it’s fine. She has Penny and I have my cute daughter to occupy my holiday. This isn’t about me. It’s about you and Meredith being together and a couple. I’ve seen her at her best and her worst. She’s happier than when Derek died. Maybe it’s time. Maybe it’s you. Either way, don’t let that girl escape. Like I said, she’s hot.”

“Thank you, Robbins.” The words were a little more on the sarcastic side, though he did take them into consideration. They were together, there was no one else, but he didn’t want her to be freaked out by blasting it all over the hospital. Slow was good. _Necessary_ , almost.

“I’m your wing woman.” She announced proudly.

“I don’t think it works if you’re already...with a girl.”

“So, what are you two doing tonight?” Arizona perked up, smile wide and eyes just ready for details.

“Goodnight, Robbins.”

“Have fun on your sex date.” She whispered once she saw Meredith returning. “You owe me a drink and we can talk about your date. Not too many details.”

Nathan just laughed while Meredith looked between the two of them.

“Oh, you both owe me one.” She informed as she walked towards Zola and Sofia. “All right, ladies. Say goodbye to your mama, Zola.”

Zola ran back and gave Meredith a hug. “Goodnight, Mommy.”

“You be good for Arizona okay. Promise?” Meredith gave her a look that could only be described as full on mom.

“Promise.” She smiled brightly and let Meredith give her a kiss on the forehead before running back over and grabbing Sofia’s hand.

“They hold hands. It’s cute.” Nathan said while going back to finishing his paperwork. “Five minutes.”

“You know we have interns for this, right?”

“Hunt stole mine. Some workshop. Plus, they always gets details mixed up.”

“Is it the pigs?”

“The pigs?”

“Cristina told me about it. Stabbed a whole bunch of pigs and you had to save their lives. He was big on the trauma, glue people, stape people thing when he first got here. I never did it.”

“What did you do?”

“I was on an inoperable tumor. Saved this girl's life. I had this...this anatomy Jane doll,” Meredith smiled, chuckling to herself, “Richard was so mad at me for that damn doll. Before we moved to Boston I would wander these halls and I always had that doll. Then I found a whole bunch of my mother’s medical journals.”

“Do you keep journals?”

“I probably should so when I get Alzheimer's in ten years I have something to remember.”

“You’re not getting Alzheimer's.”

“I could.”

“I think you’ve filled your quota of terrible things.”

“We’ll only have a few good years.”

“Then,” he said, putting the tablet down and focusing on Meredith, “we have a few good years and we make the most of them.”

“Does this mean you’re done doing paperwork?”

“You’re impatient.” He scolded but couldn’t keep the smile off his face.

“Right now, yes.”

Nathan hit save and decided he could finish it later. “All done. You should give me a kiss for all my hard work.”

“Go change and I’ll think about it.”

He grabbed the tablet, stealing a kiss from her anyway. “Scrubs don’t turn you on?”

“Not when I look this hot.”

“You do look hot. I like the hair.” Nathan couldn’t help himself by taking one of her curls and twirling it around his finger.

She shoved him off. “Go.”

“Eager.”

“No sex for you.”

Hardly a threat he thought meant anything. “You can’t resist me.”

“I can and I will if you don’t go change.”

Nathan put his hands up in surrender as he backed away from her to go change. “I’ll be right back.”

* * *

“What are we doing here?” Meredith asked as walked along the Pier.

“It’s called a date. You and me. No kids. No work. No sisters. No friends butting in. Just you and me at the pier when it’s freezing outside and enjoying ourselves. You look to hot to keep in my apartment all night, even if I’m thinking about fifty different dirty things I want to do you.”

Meredith smiled over at him. “You owe me a proper date.”

“I’ll give you a proper date. Today we’re just going to be out here.”

When she grabbed his hand and intertwined their fingers he knew she approved. It really felt like the road had been long to get there. In the beginning, once she turned him down in the elevator, he didn’t think he had a chance with her. The car changed everything while still putting up roadblocks. But it was near Christmas and they were walking hand in hand down the Pier, looking like any other normal couple just out and enjoying themselves. It was perfect.

He didn’t really bother to explore much of Seattle when he got there and it was so different from when he was a kid. He’d been a few times with Megan but they didn’t do much getting out. It was where she was from and their time was usually short lived before they ended up going back. It was usually casual and spending a good amount of time with her mother. Megan wasn’t anyone he wanted to think about, not when he was with Meredith, forming a new life for himself. One where he wouldn’t screw everything up. He wouldn’t do any of that to Meredith .

The duo found themselves down at the ferris wheel, taking a seat within as the moon was high in the sky.

Meredith didn’t go of his hand, only managed to keep her grip on him, leaning her body against him entirely, making them as close as they could. It was felt good, normal. She was quiet but the silence that was between them wasn’t awkward. It felt right, it felt good, as if the two were finding peace and how to be with each other. He gave her a kiss on the side of her head and Meredith ended up placing her free hand on top of their joined ones...as connected as they could be.

“You two look happy.” The elderly lady who sat across from them said. “Sorry, I shouldn’t interrupt.”

“Leave them alone, Gale.”

“No, it’s okay.” Nathan smiled.

Meredith smiled at them. “How long have you two been married?”

“Fifty two years.”

“And still in love.” Nathan sounded impressed.

“Still in love.” The man confirmed.

“You two?”

“I asked her out when I first got to Seattle but she turned me down. Well over a year ago.”

Meredith rolled her eyes. “He asked me out in an elevator.”

“If I didn’t wouldn’t you have said yes?”

“No.”

“Exactly.” Nathan looked back over at them, pulling his gaze away from Meredith who stole it. “Her brother in law was once my brother in law. We weren’t on the best terms.”

“You were a jerk.”

“But she couldn’t stay away.”

Meredith rolled her eyes again. “Don’t flatter yourself.”

“Too late.”

“You two will have a long life.” Gale told them

“How do you know that?” Meredith asked, as genuine as ever.

“I know these things, dear.”

Meredith didn’t say anything else and the elderly couple looked out at the view, linking arms. Her head rested on her husband’s shoulder. Something he thought was sweet, _pure_ almost. Something you see in the movies but not in real life. Nathan wondered what it would be like to have that and to be that happy. He was happy as he sat there with Meredith, she didn’t move from his grasp, and he didn’t want her to. They were still so very new in their relationship and would have a million and one hurdles to face. He couldn’t really help the way his mind traveled down a road in which things were on the edge of breaking them apart. Or maybe Gale was right and it would work out.

They remained quiet and as they looped around in the Seattle night he couldn’t help but hope it just lasted like that forever. Naive. They had lives they had to go back to. It was one night. Just them. They just had to make the most of it.

When the wheel came to a stop they allowed the old couple to leave first before Meredith stood and didn’t let go of his hand. The Pier was crowded and it was cold, but they continued to walk near aimlessly. He didn’t ever think there was a time she was so quiet. Even in her car they made small talk and learned a little bit about one another.

Each time he glanced over at her she was looking at him, not even trying to pretend she wasn’t. He would always smile and look straight ahead, until he just couldn’t take not knowing what was on her mind. “What are you thinking about?”

“That old couple.”

“Is this the part where you freak out because some old couple think we’ll be together fifty years and that scares you?”

“No.” Meredith glanced over at him, again. “I don’t think you’d last that long.”

“I believe I would.”

“Derek didn’t.” Meredith said quietly.

“Derek died.”

“Before that, he got tired of Addison. He got tired of me.” Meredith swallowed and pulled her gaze away from him.

“If that’s true he’s a damn idiot.” Nathan came to a stop and moved so he was standing in front of her. “When I first saw you I just thought “I have to know her.” You’re hot, Meredith. Put up with all the bullshit, fuck you in your car, barely think straight when you’re in the same room hot. But you’re a good doctor and a good mother. A good sister. A good friend. Your attitude is….” Nathan smiled, “Maybe we will last 50 years. Maybe we won’t. We have right now and I really hope you don’t bolt because some little old lady talked to us.”

Meredith looked up at him but didn’t say anything for a few passing breaths. “I have to at least get laid first.”

“That’s the spirit.”

As they resumed walking all he could think was how unsurprising it was Meredith was the way Meredith was when she opened herself up to him more. She lived quite a life and had all kinds of people around her. April had mentioned her exactly once when they were in Jordan. At the time the name meant nothing. It wasn’t until he met her did he think about it. Thought about how she told him that Jackson thought she was running away, but that’s what Meredith did when her husband died. He didn’t judge the faceless Meredith, nor did he judge April for it. Not when he spent years in the Middle East doing everything and anything he could just to avoid his own demons. It was just easier to run sometimes.

He was done running and Meredith seemed done running, too.

Or that was the plan until he tugged Meredith rather harshly into an alleyway behind a restaurant, pushing Meredith so her back was against the wall, and he was doing his best to act as if neither of them were either there. Probably made more of a scene than if they just continued walking.

“What are you doing?” Meredith asked as she looked up at him clearly confused.

“I saw a girl I never called back.”

“Which one?” Meredith asked while trying to peer around the corner.

“The blonde.”

“That’s not the body part I’d use to describe her.”

Yeah, it certainly wasn’t her hair many people noticed.

“Nathan, you dragged me in a corner to avoid her.”

“Have you ever done that?”

Meredith’s guilty look said it all.

“I had just gotten to Seattle. Before I met you. You try listened to Keps talk about God and her marriage.” It was a lot sometimes. “Then I met you and the blonde one night stand didn’t seem that important anymore.”

“I don’t know how you lasted so long with April.”

“We don’t always see eye to eye.”

“She’s pretty.”

Nathan looked puzzled. “Keps?”

“The blonde.”

“Not the girl I’m interested in.”

Meredith raised her eyebrow at him. “You were interested in her enough that night.”

“Weren’t you dating that guy?”

“It wasn’t _dating_. It was...three dates and we had sex before I was ready.”

“After you met me.”

“I hated you.” She defended instantly.

“So you keep saying but you’re the one that keeps jumping me.”

“I don’t hate you now.”

“When did you stop hating me?”

“I don’t know.” Meredith shrugged and didn’t elaborate.

Nathan smirked, almost as if out of nowhere, his hand finding itself between her legs. They probably could have left and found their way back to his place, but he had a much better idea in mind. Instead his palm rubbed against her through her jeans while his eyes were locked on her while he waited to see her reaction. “Before the sex? After the sex?”

“Before... _slightly,”_ she breathed, biting down on her lip, “and then Owen told me about the cheating.”

“You still slept with me.”

“I was having a bad day.”

Nathan did spend a decent amount of time after their night in her car wondering just when the tide had turned. Meredith was complicated and found it quite difficult to know what she was thinking. Other times he could read her like a book. As they stood there however, there was very little thinking and he was just acting, carefully sliding his hands into her jeans, beneath her panties, finding the wetness there and waiting for him.

“We’re going to get arrested for indecent exposure.” Meredith whispered while making no effort to stop him.

“Do you want me to stop?”

She paused. “No.”

“Be quiet.” He whispered as his fingers were covered in her. He liked her like that, at his mercy almost. They’d only been together a handful of times but he quickly learned what made her tick and what didn’t. Being in public did, slowly teasing her did, and he was happy to do both.

Her breath hitched as he teased her. “Easy for you to say.”

“Once is having a bad day and needing to release tension. Not four times.” Her clit became the object of his attention, slowly circling, watching as she tried to hold herself back.

Her hand gripped his free arm, bracing herself against the wall. “You’re proud of yourself.”

“I am.”

“It felt good. I’m not ashamed of it.”

“You’re not ashamed of anything.” He loved that about her. She took what she wanted and she didn’t care. She didn’t think twice. She wasn’t some bottled up mom afraid of sex. She relished in it. He kept his eyes on hers as slipped a finger inside her.

She gasped. “Does that bother you?”

“No.”

“Good.”

A second finger joined him, curling them inside of her, using the heel of his palm to rub against her. She shut her eyes and got lost in the pleasure. “Look at me.”

Meredith gasped and bit down on her lip, hardly opening her eyes back up.

“Look at me or I’ll stop.” That got her to look at him. He worked his fingers faster, gripping her hip with his hand to keep her steady. He knew what she wanted and was even willing to give it to her. Just not yet. He wanted her to ask for it, to all but make him give her what she wanted. He had no problem in moving his fingers quickly only to slow them down to an almost still pace. No problem in exploring her in ways that would probably be better if she had no pants on at all. _Later_ , he made a mental note.

“Nathan.” She whined, trying her hardest to get more from her using her hips.

“Yes?”

“Come on.”

“Use your words, Meredith.” He whispered, licking his lips as he had his eyes locked on her. She looked good like that. Raw. Like the night in the car. They were barely on speaking terms and she felt so real then, just as she did before him.

“I need this. Will you just. Hurry. Up.” She bit the words at him as her fingers dug into his arm, growing more frustrated as the seconds passed them by.

“Sorry, I don’t understand.” His movements were slow, hardly giving much, and keeping her steady meant she could only move herself so much. Nathan couldn’t deny how much he liked it or how much he liked the flushed look that was finding her. How she was trying to boss him around but she was at a loss for words. The power she held at all times was a turn on, but something about just having her there at his mercy was another kind of turn on.

“If you don’t let me come I’m not touching you.”

“I vaguely remember you saying something like that before.” Nathan leaned in so his lips were by her ear, slowly picking up the pace of his fingers. He’d all but lost the reality of where they were or how easily the two of them could get caught. He didn’t care and she didn’t seem to either. “It was in your car and you said, what was it, “fuck me or get out.” Remind me how that ended?”

“I hate you.”

“You rode me like your life depended on it and I had to put my hand over your mouth to keep you from screaming.”

“I really, really hate you.”

“I’m pretty sure you said that, too.” Now Nathan was just having fun with her. “Right before you bit my shoulder...during orgasm number three?”

“Your arrogance isn’t a turn on.” Her hand moved from one arm to the other, forcing him to move faster, harder, anything. Her ability to keep her moans quiet was nonexistent, growing louder, her breathing heavier.

“I can stop.”

“If you stop I will kick you in the balls, I swear.”

“Fesity.”

Meredith arched her body towards him, spreading her legs as far as her jeans would allow her, which wasn’t very far at all. He’d let go of her hip, letting her move, watching with a desire of his own as she rode his fingers in the darkened alley.

“Come for me, Meredith.” He whispered as his put a harder pressure on her clit and waited for the orgasm to overtake her. It did, near instantly, Meredith’s grip on him tightening, her moan louder and causing him to silence her instantly with a kiss. Public was fun but not all that fun if they were to get caught.

“You’re ridiculous.” Meredith panted as she tried her best to catch her breath.

Nathan smiled against her lips. “I just gave you an orgasm.”

She patted his chest. “Yeah, thanks.” Her kiss was quick as she made her way from around him, moving from the darkened alley. “I’m starving and we need wine.”

* * *

Nathan fished for wine glasses he knew he kept somewhere while Meredith was in the living room calling Zola to say goodnight. He never used wine glasses. Never really drank wine. Only even bought the wine glasses because he thought he should have a set. Turned out his instinct was right. Finally, he managed to find them and set them down on the island in his kitchen. Meredith was still on the phone when his eyes found her and it made him smile. She really was a good mom and he could see just how much she loved her children.

Next on his mission was to find a bottle opener. He knew he had one but once again it was just the mystery of where he kept it. Three drawers later and a mental note to organize things better, one he wouldn’t follow, he did find it and turned around to see Meredith tossing her phone on the couch and walking from the living room over to him. He couldn’t help himself as he allowed his gaze to follow the lines of her body. Half a mind to not care about the mission to open the bottle of wine she bought.

“So what do you do?” Meredith asked, pulling him from his thoughts, as she sat on the island in his kitchen right next to the bottle of wine.

“When?” Nathan asked looking over at her.

“When you’re not working or with me.”

“Sleep. Eat. Look over cases. Work out.” It was a relatively simple question but one he still struggled to answer as he opened the wine.

“Oh, yeah, I can tell.” She smirked at him. “Your arms are and your ass is nice, too.”

“Complimenting me of your own free will?”

“Least I can do for the orgasm. Girl’s gotta get more of those.”   

“Robbins and I go out sometimes. By go out I mean she drags me out and we decided which girls are hot. So basically any girl with dark hair seems to be it.” He handed her a glass of wine. “It’s interesting watching her. She’s either super confident or asking my opinion a million times.”

“Do you have a type?”

“Not really.” Megan and Meredith didn’t look the same and their personalities weren’t the same either. Nothing was the same about them, not really. Headstrong, he supposed, but half the hospital was filled with the same type. “Megan was more like a Keps, Robbins, and Shepherd hybrid. You’re not like her. You’re not as intense. Do you have a type?”

“Arrogant.” Meredith let out a soft laugh as she drank the wine. “Only when you want to be though. Derek was Derek and you’re not Derek. I don’t want you to be either.”

Nathan didn’t say anything and just sipped the wine. He usually had questions but didn’t bother to ask them. Sometimes the Megan and Derek conversation was a lot, and he didn’t want their night to be something else. He wanted it to be theirs and not haunted by ghosts that would never actually go away. “I never use these.”

“I usually go for tequila but I thought we’d pretend to be sophisticated.”

“Sophisticated when we’ve never had sex in a bed.”

“I did say _pretend_.”

Nathan just laughed and offered his hand out to her, which she took, and he tugged her off of the counter. They walked over to the couch and he sat down, Meredith taking a seat next to him, leaving little space between them.

“How close were you and Owen?” Meredith questioned in her usual way that was more her demanding to know than her actually asking.

“He was my brother.” It was really that simple. “You know how it is med school and growing up. You’re barely sleeping, eating, and you’re really not making friends with most people you don’t already know. You’re just going and learning and doing absolutely everything you can in order to become this doctor you’ve dreamed of. Owen and I had fun through all that. There was no one I trusted more with my life, so when the Army came along. We were doing it together.” Nathan sighed, not looking at her but focusing on his wine glass. “You had someone like that?”

“Yeah, we don’t talk anymore.”

“When you’re out there...you either break or you grow stronger. Not just with relationships with yourself. Not everyone is cut out for that life. Owen was...I was...before...before it all fell apart. It’s war. It’s bomb dropping, guns blazing, people dying war.” Nathan downed the entirety of his wine and placed the glass on the table. “There are some days you just don’t want to be there, you don’t want to be anywhere. When you see your friends in body bags and others are begging for the end. They want to go home. Some go back in the field, others go to Germany. You got kids who are collateral damage, begging for their parents who are dead, because some idiot person thinks they are a martyr blow up everything. It’s good work. I will never regret a moment of my time out there. In war and out of war, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t sit with you. It just does.” He felt Meredith run her fingers through his hair, his voice growing softer as he continued on. “And losing Megan...it’s a lot. I don’t really blame Owen for hating me. I don’t blame _you_.”

“Nathan...”

He knew this night was taking a turn he didn’t want it to take. “I won’t do that to you. I just need you to know that. I’ve paid a price. You know what it’s like to lose that, but the guilt...The guilt is a lot sometimes. All the time.” Meredith put her glass of wine on the table and grabbed his hand. “It should have been me. Sometimes I think that, do you ever think that? It would just be easier on everyone.”

“Before the kids I had some moments where...luck kept me alive.”

_Luck_ . Nathan didn’t really know whether or not he believed in luck. For as much pain as he was in more often than not being alive didn’t really make him feel lucky. He tried not to dwell. He really tried to do his best, especially in the moments Meredith was there. She was a light in his never ending darkness and even having her own darkness, it didn’t feel like they were drowning. It felt like they were living, _trying_ , at least. Trying to live the lives they had left. That was all they could do. They could live their lives and try to move forward. Megan and Derek would always be there but it was just different. Being there with her on his couch was different. Not without it’s troubles, not without hurting people they shouldn’t have hurt. They knew better. They always did and maybe they were destined to always make some mistakes. That seemed a cop out, an excuse when there shouldn’t have been made for their own gain. “We really hurt Maggie.”

“We did.”

“We need to make that right. _Actually_ make it right. She didn’t deserve that.”

“We will.” Meredith promised. “We didn’t grow up together. My mother gave her up for adoption. She never recovered from Richard leaving her. It was...sometimes I feel like I owe it to her and Amelia to be there for her. She’s my sister. My mother loved Richard more than she ever loved Thatcher, and I...I didn’t let her say goodbye. _Amelia_. I let them unplug Derek without letting her know.” Meredith looked down while playing with his hand. “She’ll never forgive me for that and I really wish I was more sorry for that. I need to support her, I need to be her sister. I can’t choose Owen. I can’t choose you. I...did choose you and I don’t want anything else. Sometimes it’s so much of a mess I wouldn’t be surprised if she never looked at me again.”

“She’ll forgive you. Amelia might not. Owen won’t truly forgive me. But Maggie loves you. You love her. Obligation or not the care you have for your sister, the way you spoke about Lexie...I know you’re a good person, Meredith. I just do. A good person, a good mother, a good sister.” He never felt like more true words were uttered.

“You have to promise me one thing, Nathan.”

“What?”

“That it won’t be that. That you’re not going to call me a whore when you’re mad. That you’re not going to use anything I tell you against me when you don’t like the decisions I make. I loved Derek so much it almost killed me more than once and I can’t do that again. I need this to be different.”

“I promise. We had that all consuming love and this is different. I promise.”

Meredith moved to straddle him, cupping his face with her hands, her look far more serious than before. “Promise me you won’t die because I’m going to do this...you can’t die. I can’t have more people die. I’m cursed and I’m sure the universe is already plotting your death. I need a long break from funerals and if I’m going to love you one day you need to stay, here, alive with me.”

“I won’t die. I survived a war.”

“I’m serious.”

“I’m serious, too.” He looked up at Meredith and cupped her face. “I’m in this. Whatever this is, whatever it turns out to be, whatever our story is...it’s us, okay. It’s ours. It’s not just sex. It’s more than sex. I am not dying.”

Meredith kissed him without saying anything else. It was slow, soft, different from their other kisses, filled with a need that hadn’t been there before. “I need you.” Her voice was barely audible as she blinked back the vulnerability.

Nathan knew the need she had within her. He leaned up and kissed her, deeper, his hands working to pull off her shirt as she tugged off his own in return. They were always in a hurry. They were always moving so fast and they never got to be slow, to enjoy it, for him to enjoy her, her to enjoy him, to learn, to explore. She stood up and he watched intently as she pulled the rest of her clothes of. Nathan wasted no time in tugging off his own pants before pulling her back into his lap.

When he first laid eyes on her he was taken by her and there as she wore nothing while on his lap it continued. He wanted every inch of her. His hands ran along her chest and stomach. Her body told a story. She had scars and stories. She had kids. Still, looking at her, touching her, it only proved to ignite something inside of him.

Her hand wrapped around him and he couldn’t hold back the moan that came from him. Her hand felt good against him, a small relief he’d been wanting for the past week while she was stuck in the chaos and dealing with her dead father. Selfish almost, thinking about that while she was lost in her mess. It was hard to care then, when she leaned over and kissed her, when his hands ran along her breasts and she pushed her chest against him.

Meredith wasted no more time in sinking herself down on him.

Nathan wrapped his arms around her and held her close. Skin to skin. It was nice, calm, quiet. The sounds of them moving together filled his ears and he kissed along her jawline and down to her neck. Just the two of them. Together. No doubt their conversations both brought up things neither of them would like to think about or talk about. He minded less that it was with her, less that she was holding onto him as tightly as he was holding onto her, losing themselves in something that didn’t need words.

She moved slow, steady, and it felt good. Desperate and fast felt good but he felt closer to her then. Like they were Meredith and Nathan in ways no one got to see them. Just together. He longed for a moment like this where they didn’t need to worry.

Meredith rested her forehead against his and he looked into her eyes. He slipped his hand between them, finding her clit, slowly rubbing circles. Both of their breaths only got heavier, everything about them falling into sync with one another. It was a lot. No other way he could describe it...as if they hit something different where neither of them were setting out for.

The mix of pleasure and connection caught up with them before either of them were ready to let go. Her mouth opened as she let it overtake her and he just watched her with a newfound intoxication. Her orgasm took her by storm and he wasn’t far behind or far different, allowing himself to release inside of her.

“Hi.”

“Hi.” She whispered as she caught her breathed and pulled herself off on him but not moving from his hold.

“You’re making a mess all over me.”

“You made a mess _in_ me.”

Nathan smiled. “You like it.”

“I do.” Meredith breathed and kissed him, unable to keep herself from doing so more than a few moments.

“I’m not used to no interruptions with you.”

“Well, don’t get used to it now.”

“I know who comes first, but while you’re here I’m making the most of it.’

“Good.” She kissed him again, leaning her weight into him. “What did you think when I kissed you in the parking lot?”

“That you were going to regret, which was I said it could make things complicated.”

“It did.”

“I know. I was there.”

“You got under my skin real quick.” She admitted, running her fingers along his chest.

“I could tell.”

“I didn’t want this.”

“I didn’t want this either.”

“You came into my life and messed it all up.” She ran her hands through his hair. “And now I’m not willing to let you go.”

“I’m not going anywhere."

* * *

When Nathan’s eyes opened he wondered why he was dumb enough to leave the light on. It felt bright and he still felt tired, instinctively knowing only a few hours passed him by. Meredith’s body was heavy against his own. It felt good she felt good, all tangled up in him, but he was too aware he didn’t get enough sleep. When he did manage to gain some sense of just where they were he looked down and saw the way she was looking up at him.

“How long have you been awake?”

“A few minutes.”

“And you’re just watching me sleep?”

“I was hoping if I stared long enough you would just wake up...and it worked.” Meredith moved to sit up, finding herself just right on top of him. “I don’t sleep and I’m not about to start now.”

“Dragging me down with you?” Nathan was awake by then, finding he was never very good at falling back asleep anyway. Another word wasn’t uttered when he simply put his arm around Meredith and pushed them both up from the couch.

“Put me down.” The three words came with a laugh, her legs wrapping around him.

“No.”

“Where are we going?”

“The shower. You’re sticky. I’m sticky. And it should be a rule when you’re here you’re not allowed to wear clothes.”

“I can follow that rule.”

Nathan set her down on the counter and admired the way she looked. Always caught himself staring at her, in both appropriate and inappropriate all in one. That no clothes rule was definitely going to have to be kept in place.

“Am I not allowed to walk anywhere anymore?”

“You can walk.” Nathan turned on the water, waiting for it to get hot. “I would think I’m doing a better job if you couldn’t walk though.”  

“You’re ridiculous.”

“And you’re still here.”

“I can leave.” She hopped off of the counter and made her way, way too slowly, to the door.

Nathan grabbed her arm. “But you won’t.”

“You’re right. I won’t.”

Nathan tugged her into the shower with him. The water was hot as it rained down both of them, Nathan looking down at her.

“What?” Meredith asked.

“Nothing.”

“You’re looking at me like you have something to say.”

“I don’t.” Nathan kissed her slowly. “I like being around you.”

Meredith just looked up at him a bit puzzled. “You’re weird sometimes.”

“And you’re still here.”

“The universe made it that way.”

“Do you believe in fate, Meredith?”

“No, I don’t know. Maybe.” Meredith shrugged. “Did fate kill Megan? Derek? Led us here? That seems complicated.”

“Life is complicated.”

“Let’s uncomplicate it.” Meredith suggested and closed her eyes as she stood under the stream of water. “You’re not complicated. We don’t need to find the secret to life here.”

“We don’t.” Nathan agreed, “Plus I like focusing on the hot naked girl in my shower.”

“Hands off. You brought us here and we’re actually going to shower.”

“Boring.” Not that he bothered to counter her on it and instead found himself handing her a towel once they were both done and had successfully used up plenty of hot water.

“We never actually do anything in your bed.” Meredith pointed out as she walked from the bathroom to his bed, dropping her towel in the process.

“Beds are overrated.”

“Comfortable though.” Meredith flopped back against the bed. “Very comfortable.”

Nathan laid down next to her and glanced over at her. “Weren’t you just on about not sleeping?”

“Maybe I’m just getting too old for the couch.”

Nathan chuckled at that. “I’ve seen you the way twist and turn your body. Nothing about you is old.”

Meredith rolled so that she was half on top of Nathan resting her head on her chest. “You’re not exactly old either.”

“I have managed to keep up with you.”

“If you can chase three kids around all day I might be more impressed.”

“Stamina exists in every part of my life.” Nathan commented and vaguely thought about just what that kind of day was like and occasionally how she did it. When he glanced down at Meredith her eyes were shut and he carefully maneuvered them both to pull the blanket over them both.

He fell asleep for a few passing hours until his phone was buzzing so many times he couldn’t bring himself to ignore it anymore. Meredith was all tangled up in him. Her arm draped over his chest, legs mixed with his, and his arm was trapped somewhere underneath her. He liked it.

At least when he didn’t have to get his phone without waking Meredith up. He did his best to remain quiet as he scrolled through the messages and saw the picture from Hunt on the scan.

“You’re not as quiet as you think you are.” Meredith mumbled.

“Look at this tumor, Meredith.” By then he was far more awake than she was, turning the phone so she could see. “It’s a monster.”

“You’re blinding me with your phone light.” Meredith looked at it, blinking a few times before focusing on the screen. “It’s huge. How did it get that big?”

“Do you wanna go see it?”

“You want to go see it.” Meredith detached herself from him. “Always here to see a tumor.”

* * *

They walked through the walls of the quiet hospital. The sun wasn’t up yet and really, neither of them should have been up either or at the very least not out of his bed. The tumor was something interesting and nothing he’d seen in awhile. Most of his surgeries were routine and he didn't want to say boring but...habitual could border on the edge of boring.

“Did I interrupt your night?” Owen asked once they both were in the room.

“Surgeons never stop.” Meredith dismissed.

Nathan looked at the scans and was immediately taken by the complexity of the tumor. Made him think that getting out of bed and putting on actual clothes, both of them, was actually worth it.

“Has it spread?” Nathan asked.

“No, just right there.”

“Are we operating or?” Nathan asked

Owen looked over at him. “What?”

“It needs to be taken out. Come on, Hunt. You can sulk over Shepherd later.”

“Go.” Meredith said when he looked over to her. “I’ll go find a surgery of my own.”

Nathan smiled and gave her a kiss. “I’ll find you when we’re done.”

Nathan and Owen walked down the hospital halls while he took the tablet in his hand and looked more thoroughly at the scans. Part of it felt very...old, as if they had been there before. They had. A long time ago when it was them in Iraq but then again tablets and perfectly functional equipment were few and far between.

“You and Meredith. That going...well?” Owen asked to break the silence.

“Yeah, it’s good.” Nathan answered absently still almost entirely focused on the tablet.

“You seem happy.”

“Shepherd will come around. You are married. You don’t run out on that over whatever it is you’re fighting about.”

“I don’t know.”

“What happened to your first marriage?” Nathan asked as he tried to find some scrubs to change into.

“We just didn’t want the same things.” Owen took a seat. “She didn’t want kids and I do.”

“You and Shepherd want the same things? Kids? You said you were trying.”

“We do. I thought we did. I’m not sure.”

“You’ll figure it out.” Nathan knew he was being optimistic and happy. Before he didn’t really think they would last, but telling Owen that there was not going to make them friendly. Surely the odds of him and Meredith lasting was not going really running in his favor.

The surgery went smooth. He and Owen continued to partake in small talk. Things were definitely better between the two of them while still being awkward. He was half waiting for Owen to suddenly change his mind about him and revert back to how he was when he first saw him. Until then he was just going to take it as it came.

“Did you sneak a surgery?” Nathan asked Meredith when he spotted her walking down the hall in her scrubs.

Meredith smiled. “You dragged us there.”

“Dragged?”

“Dragged.” Meredith nodded and looked up at him. “It’s not my fault there was waiting to be done.”

“How long until you have to get the kids?”

“I got a few hours.”

Nathan grabbed her hand as they walked down the hall. “Let me buy you breakfast. Make up for you being dragged here and forced to do those dreadful surgeries I know you hate so much.”

* * *

Nathan was happy. It was almost an odd feeling really, the ability to be happy with someone and not have to feel like there was a front being put forward. Meredith made him that way and judging by the way Meredith acted around him she was happy. It was good. They were good. Something he never thought that he would be with someone else again.

He offered to take the Christmas shift partially so that he could get into Maggie’s good graces and partially about of habit. It’s what he did. Rarely did he take time off and while he and Meredith were in a good place, it was fast. Too fast. Not that he was alone.

The residents were there to get more hours in when injuries were high. People really did manage to injure themselves in the stupidest ways around the holiday. Owen was around too, mostly just keeping to himself and doing the work. He could tell that being away from Amelia hurt him and he took no joy in that, but not like he knew where Shepherd was anyway.

“You’ll never guess what happened.” Meredith whispered through the phone.

“They have this greeting. It’s called hello. Might want to use it sometime.” Nathan swore he could hear her eyes roll on the other side.

“Hello, _Nathan_.” She emphasized. “Now guess, come on.”

“You called to give me dirty phone sex.”

“Not tonight.” She paused. “Amelia is here. In my house. She just showed up at the front door and told me she needed a place to stay for a while. She did that before and then she disappeared.”

“Shepherd’s there?” That was definitely a surprise.

“You’re not supposed to tell Owen.”

“He’s sulking around the hospital.”

“My secrets are your secrets.” She said in a matter of fact tone.

“Does that mean my secrets are your secrets?”

“Do you have any secrets?” Meredith was genuinely curious.

“No. If I did I probably wouldn’t share them with you.”

“Why not?”

“You share everything.”

“I like to think of it being a public service.”

Nathan laughed. “I don’t think the whole hospital needs to know everything.”

“I don’t share everything. I don’t share what we do.”

“Not even with Alex?”

“He doesn’t really like to know details.”

“My work goes unappreciated.” Not that he really had any interest in anyone knowing. He liked it being theirs.

“Then you’ll just have to change that.”

“Raincheck?” He asked when a resident was flagging him down. “Patient.”

“Raincheck.”

* * *

“I hope I didn’t ruin time with your kid.” Nathan was in the scrub room opening a fresh bar of soap as he got ready for the surgery before them.

“Callie came and got her this morning.” Arizona smiled. “We got to spend a week together it was good.”

“Good.” Nathan smiled at her as he walked into the operating room.

“How are things with you and Meredith?” Arizona questioned when she was standing the opposite side of the table.

“Good.”

“Your sex date?”

Nathan had to know Arizona was going to go there, even as they were about to do surgery. “You and Minnick?”

“What?”

“I heard her ask you for a drink.”

“We’re not… “ Arizona focused on the patient, staying quiet for a few minute minutes. “She’s the enemy.”

“I was the enemy.”

“I cheated on Callie.” She blurted and looked up at him for a brief moment.

“Oh.” Nathan had to admit he didn’t really know what to say and let the silence hang between them. “I cheated on my fiance. She died. I get it.” At least Callie wasn’t dead. She had that much going for him. “It’s just a drink.”

“She’s annoying. She acts like she owns the place. It’s...unflattering and she’s sexy. Could be sexy if not for that. I said yes to the drink, but I don’t know that I’ll go.”

“You like her.” Nathan pointed out. “Worse case you go out for a drink and still hate her or you find someone new.”

“Is that what happened with you and Meredith?”

Nathan smiled behind his mask. “We skipped a few steps.”

“Sex dates.”

Not the most accurate thing in the world but he liked knowing what happened, just him. “Gotta start somewhere.”

“You and me. We’re getting a drink after this.”

“Do I get a say?”

“No. You don’t.”

They finished the surgery, which turned out to be a success, even when it went south for a minute before they ended up in a bar. It was a mix of interesting people as they sat at the table and Nathan drank the one whiskey he was going to have.

“Will you just text Minnick already? It’s a little sad watching you try and decide.”

“Webber is a way better wingman than you.”

“You can call him.”

Arizona gave him a look. “I’m having a drink with the girl who took your job. Want to hang out?”

“Well, I wouldn’t word it like that.”

“Okay, I texted her.” Arizona set her phone down and took a long sip of her drink.

“So, you think she’s decent? Minnick?”

“I don’t know.” Arizona answered. “I don’t like her work approach but she got something going on.”

Nathan couldn’t help but be amused. He didn’t really care for Minnick much. Actively dodged her a few times and might have lied on the OR board about certain surgery times. She was doing her job but he didn’t like the way she was doing her job. He was a pro at listening to orders handed down but the way she did it make him not want to listen. So he didn’t, but with his newish friendship with Arizona it seemed different. Meredith hated him for a long time and sometimes he wasn’t fond of her, but he couldn’t imagine things being different for them.

“Your something going on is here.” Nathan said as he stood and put his jacket back on. “And I’m leaving before my girl takes matters into her own hands.”

“Dr. Riggs.” Eliza greeted and focused on Arizona.

“Minnick.” Nathan greeted politely before tossing some money on the table. “Here, have a round on me.”

“You called her ‘your girl’.” Arizona pointed out and couldn’t help the smile.

“This is a slippery slope and I’m leaving now.” Nathan smiled and only looked back briefly at them sitting at the table before he exited. Whatever he thought about Minnick, Arizona getting to smile at someone with something she was interested in was what spared any and all jugement.

* * *

“You interrupted my drink with Arizona.” Nathan greeted as he got out of the car in front of Meredith’s house, where she stood out there. He was pretty surprised when she told him to come over but didn’t question it. Their little steps forward were nice.

“Would you rather hang out with Arizona?”

“No.” He really, really didn’t. “Is this a booty call or a stop you from murdering your sisters call?”

“Both.” Meredith hooked her fingers in the belt loops of his jeans tugging him closer. “Amelia is talking but not talking. Alex is grumpy about Jo. Maggie is sulking about something.”

“Are you drunk?” Nathan couldn’t help but smile. Her whole demeanor was looser and the scent on her breath.

“I’m not drunk.” She shook her head. “A little. The kids are in bed...all six of them.”

“Yeah?” Nathan whispered, biting down on his lip as he leaned in closer to her. “We should make the most of it.”

“We should. Do you know what I really want to do?”

“What?”

“Blow you.”

Not the words he was expecting to hear but with the little smile on his face it proved he enjoyed the thought as much as she so clearly did. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Get on your knees like a good girl and just blow me.” Nathan whispered as he brushed his thumb along her lower lip. “Is that what you’ve been thinking about all night?”

“Not _just_ that. Are you gonna let me?”

“On your porch?”

“Maybe not on the porch.” Meredith pulled her fingers from his pant loops and grabbed his hand, tugging him in through the front door.

“I was wondering where you went.” Amelia spoke from where she was in a mess of blankets and pillows on the couch. “You brought a boy home.”

“Shepherd.” Nathan greeted but it was short lived as Meredith pulled him up the stairs and down the hall to the last room on the left. “I never made it this far before.”

“You can go home if you want.” The words came as she locked her bedroom door.

“You’re holding me prisoner.”

“Yeah, I am.” She smirked then and found any distance that was once between them gone. She sunk down to her knees without thinking twice about it. “I don’t need to be drunk to do this. I like doing this. I didn’t think you’d actually come over.”

“Robbins wanted to have a drink with Minnick.” Nathan watched her carefully, unmoving, as he braced himself back against the wall. A bed just a few feet from them and he didn’t really think of moving anywhere else. Just watched her.

Meredith unbutton his jeans and tugged him free from them. The thought and the sight had aided in getting him harder. Not enough but more than he arrived with. They covered a lot of territory in their short time together but he hadn’t been privy to Meredith on her knees with that look on her face he couldn’t even think of how to describe. It was a lot and when she slowly started stroking him it was nearly impossible to keep himself quiet.

She decided her house was off limits and he was completely fine with it. They had his place, the hospital, and their love for public spaces. Occasionally his mind wondered what her room looked like, but even as he stood there he didn’t bother to look around. Only focused on Meredith. Her eyes were bright as her lips parted ever so slightly. She looked a damn dream like that.

“It’s only been a few days and I keep thinking about you... _this_.” Meredith licked her lips as she glanced up at him.

“Tell me.”

“Tomorrow at work. I was going to drag you into the nearest room and drop to my knees so I could feel your cock in my mouth.”

Her breath was hot on his tip as he found her actions and general being driving him to being hard in her hand. He bit down harsher on his lip to keep quiet, to not blow the moment, whatever it was turning into. “Now you don’t have to wait.”

“I don’t, do I?” She didn’t draw him into her mouth completely. Rather she used her tongue to lick along his shaft, swirling around the tip, teasing him slowly, just like so often he would tease her. “I need direction.”

“No, you don’t.” Nathan couldn’t even pretend to buy that. The look in her eyes made have tried it’s best to scream innocent but she knew how guilty she was. He knew all the filthy little words that could come out of that pretty little mouth of hers, and knew she was all too aware of what she was doing. “Take me into your mouth, slowly. Yeah, like that. Use your tongue, just…” The sensation of her mouth around him as a lot, his breathing heavier, his thoughts lacking. It felt good. His hand went to her hair. unable to help himself as he gripped a portion of it. “Suck, just a little.”

The mix of seeing her on her knees taking him further and further into her mouth combined with the feeling of her wet, hot mouth around him did little to keep him composed. She didn’t break eye contact once, only looked at him unconditionally as she moaned around him, a sensation that moved through him, only making it harder to think. Not that he wanted to think. He wanted to enjoy, to watch her, to watch Meredith fucking Grey kneeling before him giving him a blowjob simply because she wanted to.

“A little more with your tongue.” She happily obliged as he tugged on her hair and did his best to keep himself still. It barely worked, the movement of his hips feeling almost involuntarily, needing anything she would give him. When her hand found his balls and her other hand stroked what wasn’t in her mouth it was too much to keep silence. “Fuck.” His head banged back against the wall and he knew they had to be quiet. She had kids and sisters and anyone else in that damn house but her mouth was making him feel fire and he just couldn’t help it.

“Stop. I don’t want to come in your mouth.” She did as she was told and he loosened his grip on her hair, yanking her up in one smooth motion. “I want to come all over you really. On you, in you, I don’t care, but I need to fuck you right now.”

Meredith kissed him as she pulled off her clothes with ease, not bothering to properly wear anything under them as it were. She sat on the edge of her bed. “We found a bed. Put it to good use.”

Nathan wasted no time in pulling his own clothes from him and finding himself at the end of her bed, pushing her down into it, hovering over her. “I can’t believe Meredith Grey called me for a booty call.”

“It’s not a booty call if you’re my boyfriend.”

“It is.” He murmured against her lips. “He’s just so very willing.”

“And so very hard.” Meredith stroked him slowly, a lazy twist to her wrist.

“Spread your legs.” Slowly he ran his hand along her thigh. Her body amazed him sometimes. Not one imperfection in his eyes. “You’re soaked.”

“I’ve been thinking about you for a while and I told you I like doing it.”

He ran his fingers along her center, easily coated in her, watching the way she squirmed just slightly. “Couldn’t tell from all those dirty messages you sent me.”

“While you were playing lesbian match maker.”

“At least you know I wasn’t playing matchmaker for myself.”

“You wouldn’t.” Meredith said confidently. “I told you to come over and you did instantly...without even knowing what I wanted.”

“The blowjob was a nice surprise.”

“You didn’t even let me finish it.”

“No,” he began, running his finger along her lip, tugging on the bottom, “I didn’t.”

“You just going to tease me all night?”

“I might.” He whispered but they both knew he wouldn’t. Not when they were both there and already had a problem of keeping their hands to themselves. It was that new phase, the very one where they just needed to be together, to touch each other, to do everything and anything. A little more complicated with all of the obstacles but they managed. Nathan found himself on his side, pulling Meredith back against him. He was throbbing for her, the need dissipating for a moment, but back in full force. He needed to be inside of her, to feel her tight and wet around him, to rival her mouth in bringing him to come. ““Or,” he breathed into her ear, spreading her legs just enough so he could slide into her with ease, “I might prefer this.”

Meredith let out out a moan. “Much better.”

The rhythm was slow as he slid his arm around her chest, pulling her back towards him until her back was flush against his chest. He just wanted to feel her against him, the flesh of her breast beneath the palm of his hand, her nipple growing harder ever time he brushed his finger along it. She continued to be intoxicating to him, certainly as he buried in face in the crook of her neck, breathing her in her, pushing himself harder into her.

“I thought you were going to take me the other way.”

“Do you want me to?”

“No, this is good.” Meredith words ending in something more of a low moan than a whisper.

His lips brushed against her neck, leaving a series of chaste kisses, “I missed you.”

“I missed you, too.” She reached for his hand, intertwining their fingers together as her grip was like iron. “Missed this. Your cock, fucking me. _Harder_ , Nathan.”

He gripped her thigh, gaining more leverage, pushing himself as deep within her as he could. It didn’t feel like enough, it never felt like enough. She was a damn addiction and he always needed more. His teeth grazed against her neck as he tried to keep himself control, to get her off, not focus on how good she was around him, how she gripped him, how wet she was as he thrust within her over and over. She was so damn beautiful when she came and he needed to see that first.

“Do you like this?” Meredith breathed as she turned her head back to look at him. “Fucking me like this? From behind?”

“You know what I like more?” He pulled leg so she was draping over him, fingers instantly finding her clit. “This. You’re so exposed. Your body is just ridiculous.”

“Nathan, I can’t, I just…” Her moans were louder, more reckless, falling in line with everything being reckless.

“What?”

“Don’t stop.” She grit out, pushing herself back against him as much as she could. She was wetter than she’d been in a while, it coating them both, everywhere, gripping on him tighter. “I need to come.”

“Not yet.”

“ _Please_.”

“Not yet.” He angled her forward slightly. She was losing any last bit of control she had, he could feel it, see it. She stopped talking. She was nothing but moans and her body moving to get more. Just letting herself go and being taken by him. It was a sight. Just watching the way his cock thrust inside of her, the way she just took it, her breasts moving with her body, her head tilting back and exposing her neck to him. There was a desire, deep inside of him, to suck at her neck, bite, leave a mark. His mark. Primal almost, the same way he was thrusting inside of her, harder, deeper, the way she just falls back into him.

“Nathan, please. Can I come?” Her voice was softer, begging, _needing_.

She wasn’t like that often. The pleading and begging type she was not. She was strong and independent but sometimes, in those moments, just them when they are both so close to losing that last little bit before they reach the high and it’s all over, she crumbles. He’d be a liar if he said he hated it. “You can come now.”

It took another two thrusts, a harder pressure on her clit, before she lost herself. It hit her hard, body shaking, legs quivering, biting down onto his hand to keep herself quiet. The way she clamps down on him makes it impossible for him to hold off any longer. He spilled himself inside of her and murmured her name in her ear, just loud enough for her to hear.

They were wrecked. Totally and completely wrecked. Neither of them moved, staying locked in their hold, unable and unwilling to part. Her breathing steadied before his does, her lips placed a kiss on his hand joined with hers, falling into that satiated bliss as they both found their senses.  

“Stay.”

“What?”

“Tonight. I want you to stay.” She requested as she settled herself against him in something of a softer way.

Nathan kissed her shoulder, surprised at the request. “I’ll stay.” 


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She was far more concerned about how the kids would warm up to him than him warming up to her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Better late than never & we're not even discussing that finale. My feelings are hurt.

Meredith's eyes opened just as the clock hit four. She really could have slept longer, really wanted to sleep longer, something that never changed. The feel of Nathan's arm around her felt good. It wasn't like it was with Thorpe where it just felt wrong and too soon. She liked that he was there. She didn't mind that her kids were in the very same house with him. She trusted him. That was the biggest thing...she could trust him without worrying. Not something she could say for many people.

Carefully, she removed herself from his grasp and quickly checked her phone. The only thing on there was a few texts from Amelia checking on her but assuming the no replies meant she was okay. She was right, she was okay. She slipped out of the room carefully and went to check on the kids who all remained sleeping in their bed, and assumed Maggie and Alex were asleep. She went downstairs and grabbed some water, passing a sleeping Amelia. Her house was nearly overflowing with everyone inside of it but it felt good. Outside of when Derek actually died she liked having people around. Even if things were still uncertain with Maggie. They both needed to talk to her properly, give her an explanation, a way to bring them to something more normal. Having the people who meant the most to her under one roof meant something. Seemed silly almost.

Rather than remaining lost in thought in the kitchen she grabbed two water bottles and snuck herself back inside of her room. Nathan, much to her surprise, was still asleep in the bed. He looked peaceful. Only when she walked past her dresser did something shift inside of her, pulling from the thoughts of Nathan, and to thoughts of Derek. She hadn't forgotten the post it not was there. She was used to it. It hadn't moved since she moved back into that house.

Her mind briefly shifted to Thorpe and how awful that had went. Nothing she liked to think about often. Setting the water bottles down on the top of the dresser she picked up the post it note in her hand. Moments with Nathan flashed in her mind. She held no regret for moving on. Probably could have moved the post it before she dropped to her knees for him. The symbol of her marriage to Derek and the love she held for him was nothing but a little post it Derek had in his pocket at the time.

She moved on.

She didn't really know what to think about that. He would want that for her. He would move on if she was the one who had died. He would find some nice girl who would love their children and be happy. That was what she was doing. She found a nice guy who...well, she wouldn't use the word love, but it was good. He was good. He would like her kids. She was far more concerned about how the kids would warm up to him than him warming up to her.

"What are you doing?" Nathan asked softly from the bed.

"Nothing." Meredith said and put the post it note face down. At least that way it wasn't staring at her. "Go back to bed."

"You should come back to bed."

Meredith grabbed the two bottles and walked back over to the bed, sitting down next to him. Her eyes lingered on her dresser for a moment before focusing on him. She wanted him there. No questions. She liked him when he was there.

"Thanks." Nathan sat up as he took the bottle from her.

"This won't be a regular occurrence."

"Meredith, you can just enjoy things for what they are. I'm here. You're here. You don't always need to push me away the second you bring me closer."

"I'm not pushing you away." Meredith couldn't help how easily the denial came from her.

"Whatever you say."

"You're here, aren't you?"

"Do you want me to be here?"

"Yes." The answer was immediate. "I don't want to talk about it right now."

"I can think of something better to do." Nathan put the water bottle on the bed he didn't even bother to open on the nightstand and leaned into kiss her, pushing her back against the mattress.

Meredith giggled into the kiss and pulled him closer. "You're insatiable."

"You called me here. I remember the night very well and I think it was you who was too horny to spend the night alone."

Meredith raised her eyebrow at him. "Who was the one who said "I need to fuck you right now"?"

"I don't think you understand what you look like on your knees."

"No, I don't think I do." She ran her fingers through his hair, only able to silently admit she was insatiable as he was. "Next time it can be you on your knees."

"I have no objections."

"Mama. Mama. Mama." The sound of Ellis' voice came through the baby monitor.

A soft groan came from Meredith. If only her daughter had better timing. "Put a shirt on." Meredith ordered as she pushed him off of her.

"I can go."

"Put a shirt on." She repeated as she walked down the hall to find her daughter awake in her crib.

"Mama." Ellis said with glee at the sight of her mother. "Up."

Meredith walked over and picked her little girl up out of her crib. "You're supposed to be sleeping."

"No."

"You're my little night owl." Meredith smiled at her daughter in her arms.

"Owl."

"Yeah, owl."

"This is probably a bad idea," Meredith was speaking more to herself than her youngest, "but you're going to meet mama's friend."

"Mama fren."

"Yes." She took a deep breath before walking into her room and sitting down on the bed. She could feel Nathan's eyes on them both and guessed he was surprised. She was kind of surprised herself. It wasn't a step she was certain she was entirely ready to make but she lept anyway. "Ellis, this is Nathan, and Nathan this is Ellis."

"Hi." Ellis spoke the singular word and widened her eyes at the sight of him. It was only a moment before she wiggled free from the grasp of her mother, finding herself more in the center of the bed.

"Hi." Nathan smiled.

Ellis only remained still for a moment before she made her way over to Nathan, using her little hands on his knees to push herself up so she was standing, inspecting him. She was young enough that this wouldn't be something that scarred her for life, but old enough to know people. Alex had been in her bed before with Ellis. She would hardly connect anything. Wasn't sure her daughter even could. Ellis reached and touched his face, patting against it while giggling. A happy baby. She'd always been a happy baby. Even when sick and screaming nearly all the time, she would laugh the instant she felt better.

"Mama fren."

"Friend." Nathan nodded and looked over to Meredith for a brief moment before turning his attention back to Ellis. "You're up late."

"No tired." She beamed. "Up."

Meredith nodded when Nathan looked over at her for permission. With that he picked her up and Ellis managed to stand herself up in his lap. Her little hands went to his hair and tugged on it, earning a few winces from Nathan who didn't say anything else as she took him in.

After a few more moments Ellis plopped herself down on Nathan's lap and reached for the bottle Meredith left behind on the bed. Nathan picked it up and offered it to her, continuing to hold it as she picked at the label.

"She likes you." Meredith wasn't even a little surprised.

"Not everyone is as difficult as you."

"Funny." Meredith rolled her eyes but smiled anyway. "It'll be more difficult for Zola. She knows Derek. Bailey did, too, but he was around her age when Derek died I don't know…"

"Whenever you're comfortable, Mer. They're your kids and Derek was their father."

Sometimes she admired just how laid back he was, how he just took everything with ease, and so very little seemed to bother him. He could just sit there and let Ellis rip apart the paper into a million little pieces while she sat on his lap, and it was fine. Nothing about him looked like he was going to run for the hills.

"Megan and I thought about having kids. Talked about it." Nathan started as he kept his eyes on Ellis. "It'd of been nice, I think."

"Meg." Ellis repeated as the paper on the bottle became uninteresting and started clapping her hands together.

"But," he said, looking down at the blonde little girl in his lap, "wasn't meant to be, I guess."

"Meg. Meg. Meg."

"She picked the worst word to repeat." Nathan said softly but smiled as Ellis looked up at him.

"Hi." She repeated again.

"Hi."

"I think hi is her favorite word." Meredith smiled, "She'll just say hi forever."

"What was her first word?"

"I'm going to be cool and say 'mama'"

"Mama." Ellis repeated and looked over at Meredith.

"So, what was it?"

"It was "no."" Nathan tried to keep the smile and amusement from his face but she could see right through it. "Shut up."

"Mama, no." Ellis giggled.

"Yeah, Mama. No."

"Five minutes and you are partners in crime."

"Her mother has me wrapped around her finger, too."

Meredith rolled her eyes and reached for Ellis' favorite book to distract her and hopefully make her fall asleep. She really didn't want her day to start at 4am, knowing she wouldn't get to sleep until well into the night...and that was if everything with her patients went smooth that day.

Ellis held the book up to Nathan with her bright blue eyes looking wide at him.

"You want to show me your book?"

"Book."

"Yeah, book." Nathan smiled as Ellis opened the first page of the book and sat in his lap.

"Dog." Ellis said as she tapped on the page with the dog on it.

"You like dogs? They're cute."

"Dog." She smiled happily.

Meredith watched as they sat together and read through the book. She was nervous about how he was going to be around the kids. She didn't really know what to expect. Not when he didn't have any children of his own and the children he did spend time around were patients. Ellis was usually happy with anyone. Alex, Amelia, Maggie, Owen all took their turns in reading to her and playing with her. Nathan was different. She wanted him in her life and eventually he would be something more than one the many extended members that were in and out.

By the time Nathan closed to the book Ellis had nodded back off to sleep against him. Peaceful. Meredith carefully got up and walked around the bed and picked her up, giving him a quick kiss.

"What was that for?"

"Nothing."

Meredith went and put Ellis back down in her crib. If they were lucky they could sleep for another hour or so before she had to get up, sneak him out of the house, and get to work. Or maybe Ellis would sleep longer. With her kids still on break from school and Amelia ignoring her job for the time being things were calm and mornings weren't nearly as chaotic, as long as someone wasn't asking her to stay. Usually Bailey. She had the last few days off and was actually ready to get out of the house for a few hours. Do something other than deal with her sisters and her kids, no matter how awful that sounded. Being around adults and doing her job was something she craved.

She went back to her room and laid down next to Nathan on the bed, resting her head on his chest. "Where did you get good with kids?"

"I'm a doctor."

"In the Army."

"I've seen kids. Dealt with kids. People actually like me."

She could accept that answer. "I guess so."

"i don't need to be around your kids if it's too much."

"No, I want you. You're important. Ellis likes you. She sat in your lap, fell asleep in your lap even."

"Did you think I'd be horrible?"

"No, I just...don't know. When we first got Zola it was a learning curve."

"I don't think 20 minutes makes me an expert." Nathan smiled, kissed the top of her head. "You're a good mother. I mean that. Watching a kid for a bit is a lot different than being with them all the time."

"Go to sleep, Nathan."

* * *

Getting Nathan out of her house that morning was a lot easier than she thought. As it turned out Ellis slept longer than normal because she had been up in the middle of the night, and her other two kids were happy to eat their breakfast together in the kitchen that Amelia made them. She kissed him goodbye at the door before walking into the kitchen and grabbing some coffee.

"He stayed all night." Amelia said casually as she cleaned up the mess from the night before.

Meredith had a little smile on her face as she walked to leave the kitchen. "He stayed all night."

Her day was filled with patients and surgeries she was too tired to deal with. Coffee became her lifeblood for the day while she had a few too many inappropriate thoughts about Nathan, along with thoughts of how he would react around her other too children. It'd been too long since a man consumed her thoughts like that. So long she almost didn't know what to do with herself.

She just let it happen.

"You haven't left yet." Meredith said as she walked through the lobby trying to catch Nathan before he left.

"I'm on my way out."

"You should come over Saturday."

"That's New Years Eve."

"Yes." She nodded. "Me, the kids, Amelia. Maybe Alex and Maggie."

"The kids?"

"Casual, they can meet you and we can hang until they fall asleep. They never make it to midnight." It was as good of a night as any for him to come over. They would all be around and that way she didn't have to deal with the pressure of the three of them just being alone.

"I'll be there."

* * *

"You invited him over?" Amelia asked as she sat in the kitchen while Meredith folded laundry.

"Yes."

"With the kids, while they were still awake?"

"Yes."

"Is the sex that good?"

Meredith gave her a look but it wasn't a denial.

"I did hear a bang against the wall."

"That wasn't me." Meredith shook her head and walked up the stairs with the laundry basket.

"It was him." Amelia smiled. "So, the sex is good and you're keeping him around?"

"I'm not keeping him around just because the sex."

"I didn't think you'd have a guy you actually liked. The way you kicked the last guy out of here."

"You have a husband you can go back to." She said as she put the clothes for kids in the appropriate drawers.

"We're not talking about me. We're talking about you and your new boyfriend. He is your boyfriend?"

"Yes."

"Meredith Grey has a boyfriend."

Meredith rolled her eyes and put the basket down in the room before walking towards her own and tidying up the mess of kids toys that always ended up there.

"Does Maggie know?"

"She knows we're together. She seems fine. She knows he's coming over."

"Oh, this will be entertaining."

"I'll tell him to bring Owen."

"Fine." Amelia surrendered, "I'll be nice."

When Saturday night actually managed to actually roll around Meredith was in the kitchen making her kids food. More like plating the food that was already made when Zola did her best to not act like her cooking wasn't something she wanted to eat.

She couldn't really blame her kids.

"Your boyfriend is a jackass." Alex said as he dropped his stuff down on the table.

"What happened?"

"They had a disagreement over a patient." Maggie trailed in behind him. "They were both being childish."

"I was not." Alex rolled his eyes as he rummaged through the fridge.

"You called me."

"I knew what I was doing."

Meredith managed to catch a few of the details as she heard the back and forth between Alex and Maggie. She didn't really need to know the rest and when Bailey whined louder that he was hungry she didn't bother tuning in for the rest. Just as she set the plates down in front of her kids the knock at the door could be heard in the kitchen, causing Meredith to excuse herself.

"I heard you're getting into trouble." Meredith smirked at Nathan when she opened the door..

"He told on me?"

"He did."

Nathan rolled his eyes as he walked through the front door. "I saved a sick baby and that's what is important."

"You saved a sick baby? My hero."

"That sounds so fake."

We have five minutes to make out like teenagers." Meredith didn't bother waiting for his answer before grabbing him and yanking him so the two were out of sight.

She probably should have cared more about what actually happened between him and Alex but she didn't. She wanted to makeout with her boyfriend like she was some kind of teenager before they spent the night with her kids and she didn't get to touch him. She had some self control, or at least she could when the kids were around.

"Get a room." Alex said as he interrupted them just as Nathan's hand slipped beneath her shirt.

"It's my house."

Alex rolled his eyes at them both before walking up the stairs, leaving them both alone as Meredith fixed her shirt. Her hair also needed to be fixed. One thing at a time.

"How long is he going to be mad?"

"Probably until he gets laid." Meredith dismissed. "Okay, they're done eating. We're friends. Nothing more. They'll probably ask you a few questions then go back to playing. They're kids."

"Okay."

"Okay." Meredith nodded, taking a deep breath. "If you're nervous they'll know."

"I'm not nervous. You're nervous."

"I'm fine." Okay, fine she was a little nervous but Nathan was important to her and her kids were...everything. She wanted the two worlds to mix.

Meredith took a few more breaths before allowing them both to walk in the living room.

"This is my friend...Nathan."

"Hi." Zola said and smiled. "Are you a doctor too?"

"I am. I fix hearts."

"Like Aunt Maggie."

"Yeah, exactly." Nathan smiled and looked over at Bailey. "Your mom says you don't like to talk a lot. Neither do I. Girls like to talk."

"They do."

"You like trains?" Nathan asked.

Bailey nodded and handed him a train and effortlessly the two played together. Meredith didn't expect that one. She noticed the way Zola was looking over at him and made a mental note to talk to her later. She didn't want Zola to pick up on it being something more, though guessed the way Alex came into the kitchen using the word 'boyfriend' she was going to have to have that conversation sooner rather than later.

Bailey continued to smile and laugh as he got lost in a conversation about trains with Nathan. She really didn't know much about trains like he seemed to do so she considered it a win. A part of her was still waiting for the other shoe to drop. It was too smooth and too calm. Nothing in her life was like that.

Nathan stood up just for Amelia to follow a running, a loose term, Ellis through the living room. She looked up at Nathan. "Up."

"Go ahead." Meredith said.

Nathan picked her up as she wore her purple princess dress. "You look like a little princess."

Ellis' little hands grabbed for the toy on the table, letting out a series of whining noises that was near something of a cry.

Nathan leaned down and grabbed the small bear. "Princess with a bear."

"Bear." Ellis smiled and played with it in her hands as he held her.

"I'll be in the kitchen." Meredith ruffled Bailey's hair which got a laugh before she walked and nudged for Nathan to come with her.

"You can put her down. She'll be fine."

"I don't mind holding her. She's not that heavy."

Meredith moved around to clean the kitchen and watched as the pair sat at the table, Ellis propped on Nathan's lap, playing with the bear at the table. It was weird and she hated how normal it felt. That seemed to be at the root of everything. It was all so normal and he fit. She wanted him to fit but was scared if he did...what would happen? She couldn't even delude herself into thinking it would last forever. It wouldn't. Nothing ever did.

"The kids don't seem to hate you."

Nathan smiled as he made the bear talk with Ellis. "This little one likes me."

"Yeah, we'll have to get her checked out."

"Get you checked out, too."

Meredith rolled her eyes. "Are you hungry?"

"I'm good."

Meredith took a seat opposite him at the table. She didn't speak and watched as she bonded with Ellis. Her daughter would never know Derek but took to Nathan immediately. She liked being held by him and liked the voices he made as he read and played with her.

A part of her ached because of it. It should have been Derek. It wasn't. It would never be. Instead it was Nathan who had no reason to care about any of her kids, but for some reason, did.

"I'm gonna put her to bed and send you into the lion's den"

"Kids or sisters?"

Meredith smiled with a mischievous look on her face as she picked up Ellis. "I'll let you figure that one out. Say bye to Nathan."

"Bye." Ellis followed her mother's direction.

Meredith walked up the stairs and put Ellis down for the night. She wouldn't remember New Years Eve and could tell the way she was behaving bed was in her near future anyway. Better to get it out of the way. She grabbed the monitor before walking down the stairs and finding everyone in the living room.

Bailey and Zola were happily playing together and Meredith sat down next to Nathan on the couch, tucking one of her legs underneath herself and watched them play. She had an urge to lean her head on his shoulder or grab his hand but she didn't. Not when she knew her kids would see and wanted to see what they thought of Nathan being around more before she broke the news that she was seeing him. She was still worried about how they would react to him essentially taking Derek's place. Alex was around and she thought that was why they took it with ease. Owen had been around. He didn't act any differently than any of the others did. Except Owen had his moments of affection with Amelia. Amelia wasn't their mother though, she was.

Zola once asked her why Amelia wasn't with Owen and the conversation that took place was one she didn't really want to have again. She wanted to stop having the conversations of why people were in and out seemingly all of the time. They did need some stability and given she was sure both Amelia and Alex would move themselves back out she didn't want to make them think Nathan was just as unstable. He wasn't a fleeting moment but someone she expected to have around for as long as she could, as long as they could.

"Go put your pjs on with Aunt Amy and you can come back downstairs."

Zola and Bailey followed their mother's reaction as Amelia took them up the stairs. Meredith probably should have let another moment pass so she looked like she had some kind of self control before putting her head on his shoulder. She didn't care.

"Do you want kids of your own?"

Nathan glanced at her out of the corner of her eye. "Are you asking because you're pregnant? Or are you just asking?"

"I'm not pregnant."

"I don't need my own but if it happened I'd be happy. If these kids are it then it's fine."

"Okay." Meredith didn't really know what compelled her to ask or what she wanted the answer to be.

"Do you want more kids?"

"I didn't think I'd find anyone after Derek so I never thought about it." She paused for a brief moment. "I come with these kids and I don't want you to think in a couple of weeks it's too much."

"I won't, Meredith." Nathan looked over at her, stroking her cheek. "I told you I'm in this and I don't think you'd let me around your kids if you really thought I was going somewhere."

Meredith nodded, "You can come around a little more often when they're awake as a friend."

"Okay."

"Okay."

The kids ended up lasting about an hour longer than she thought they would. Alex and Maggie had joined them and there was some light conversation. Nothing major as she could see the way Alex was irritated. He'd be over it by the next day she was sure but she'd let him have the night to be irritated over a case that didn't go his way. The kids ended up nodding off and she couldn't bring herself to care more about the tension in the room. Maggie was being supportive and she couldn't expect more than that.

"Can you grab Zola?" Meredith asked Nathan as she got up off of the couch. "I'll get Bailey." Meredith picked up her younger son who was getting too big to carry as easily as she carried Ellis. Nathan trailed behind her holding Zola. Neither of them bothered to wake up or even stir as they were put in their beds.

Some days her favorite parts were where they went to bed.

"Come to bed?" Meredith asked as she grabbed his hand and tugged him down the hall.

"Didn't even make it to midnight."

"It's midnight everywhere else." That was her excuse and she was sticking to it.

"I think we should start a New Year's Eve tradition."

"And what is that?"

Nathan couldn't keep the smirk on his face or the twinkle in his eye as he found himself on top of her, dangerously close to kissing her. "Orgasms."

* * *

It wasn't until the kids went back to school that the sense of normalcy returned. It was just easier when things were on a schedule and she didn't have to account for keeping them occupied all day when she was at work. She felt bad when they were home with her nanny and she had to be somewhere else. It was good for them to see her work but still, sometimes she knew that they would probably be way better off if she was around.

She tried not to think about it too much as she went through her day. After a long surgery she found herself getting ready to go home and grabbing her stuff.

"Do you have plans?" Meredith asked as she put her case files in her bag.

"I was gonna grab a drink with Hunt and Robbins. I think Avery mentioned he'd go." He informed her. "Kind of an odd combination but Owen won't stop sulking around the hospital over Shepherd."

"Did you tell him?"

"No," Nathan walked over to her, looking down at her. "I told you I wouldn't. Do you want to come?"

"No, have fun." She leaned up and gave him a quick kiss. "I'm not really interested in how the four of you will make conversation since you seem to have nothing in common."

"I know how to make friends. Do you want to go out Saturday?"

"Finally taking me out on a date?"

"Not my fault you prefer when we have no clothes on."

"Just me?"

"Just you." Nathan smiled, kissing her. "Sorry, Grey. You'll just have to live without me for a night."

Meredith smacked him on the ass as he left the room. It wasn't as if they were spending every single night together but the nights that he was around were the nights she decided were better. Everything was better. She had her friends, ones that all lived in her house, and he needed his own.

She finished up some paperwork before she found herself back at her house. The kids were fed, bathed, and put to bed at a decent hour. She had the whole night to herself. Only she didn't really know what to do with herself. It was too early to go to bed. She could have showered but spent the last half hour checking her phone and pretending to read the book she'd been pretending to read for months.

As it turned out having Nathan around sucked up a lot of her time when she spent the majority of it dealing with her kids and herself.

"Your door is open. He's not gonna walk ot of the bathroom and blind me with his ass or something?" Alex asked as he plopped down on the bed.

"He's not coming over tonight." Meredith put down the book, happy to get a break from it. "You two should get along."

"He's an ass and you don't even like Jo."

"I like Jo." That was such a lie and she couldn't even fake her voice to make it sound more sincere.

"I like Riggs."

"Fine." Meredith conceded and figured they could bond over something stupid one night. All would be well. "How is that going?"

Alex shrugged. "It's going. We're talking. It's fine."

"Believable."

"Her husband is...she won't tell me a lot but she has told me kind of makes it willing to go down for something."

"That bad?"

"That bad."

Meredith knew that tone of voice and knew the way he could act around women he cared about. The whole mess with DeLuca proved how much Alex loved Jo. "Don't do anything stupid."

"You'll be fine."

"I know." Meredith felt like that was true more that time than any other. "I have Nathan. Wilson needs you though. Alive and out here."

"Yeah, I learned that lesson."

"I have a 'one bail a lifetime' rule and you broke it."

"Shut up."

* * *

Aside from the quickie in the all call room Meredith didn't see much of Nathan at work. There was a crash that caused them to be filled with more patients than they actually had hands for. By the time she was free Nathan was lost in a surgery that would take most of the night and she found herself back at her house.

Amelia was quiet the whole way home and she didn't understand it. She didn't really pry too much about what happened with Owen but for someone who liked to talk a lot she said absolutely nothing. She fed the kids, spent time, went over homework and found herself upstairs in Ellis' room with Amelia trailing behind.

"She's growing out of this stuff. I think I have some of Zola's stuff around here somewhere." Her body was exhausted and wasn't really sure why she was bothering to do anything but sleep.

"I think I saw a box in the hall closet."

Amelia returned with one of the boxes and put the clothes in the drawers. Meredith filled the box with the older clothes that Ellis was growing out of. Even though she had three kids she was always reminded how quickly they managed to grow up. When she turned around she noticed the way Amelia was lost in a trance with one of the onesies.

"Are you okay?"

Amelia didn't look up. "I'm fine."

Meredith didn't believe her nor did she take her eye sight off of her. She wouldn't have ever really called her and Amelia especially close, but she could listen. She prepared herself to listen but she was always so quiet. In a way she couldn't even pretend to guess what was on her mind.

"Owen wants kids."

"You want kids."

Amelia folded the onesie and put it in the box. "I don't want to talk about it."

Meredith didn't press knowing that Amelia would just shut her out anyway. That managed to be the only thing she knew. "Nathan and I are going on a date tomorrow night. The kids will be asleep but I can call a babysitter if you don't want to watch them."

"I'll do it." Amelia smiled and took the box back to the hallway.

* * *

Meredith felt silly for how long it actually took her to get ready. She knew Nathan didn't really care but she still wanted to look nice. Not that she knew where they were going. She didn't ask and he didn't specify, just said what time he would be there to pick her up. She finished curling her hair only to find Maggie standing in the doorway of her bathroom, holding out a different top from the one she was already wearing.

"Wear this." Maggie told her. "The stripes in the took big shirt don't flatter you as much as they could."

"Oh, thanks."

"I want you to be happy. Both of you. He makes you happy. You're my sister. It's not worth it."

"We are sorry. Truly."

"I know." Maggie smiled, a genuine one. "Plus, I can make sure you wear cute things."

"This is cute."

"It's three sizes too big, Meredith."

"It's not that big...okay." She relented when she looked at herself in the mirror and just how big the shirt was. She changed into what Maggie gave her and decided she looked better. Just then the doorbell rang and she had to rush down the stairs while trying to put her heels on. No easy task.

"You're on time."

"Was I supposed to be late?"

Meredith shook her head. "No, I just wasn't ready."

"I can wait."

"Let me just check on the kids and grab my jacket." Meredith let him into the entryway and ran back upstairs.

Frazzled was something of an understatement as she tried to piece herself back together before meeting Nathan who had been patiently waiting for at least twenty minutes.

"What did you go do?" Nathan asked when she returned.

"Nothing."

He closed the distance and unbuttoned the first two buttons of her shirt to rebutton of them. "You usually wear black. I like the red lace."

She hadn't even realized she buttoned her shirt wrong. "Don't get any ideas."

"I'm not."

"You owe me dinner."

"Okay." Nathan glanced down at her, slightly biting down into his lip.

"No, don't even look at me like that."

"Like what?"

"Like we're not going to make it to dinner."

Nathan opened the front door but the second they were outside she was pushed up against the wall. "We'll make it to dinner."

"You're lying." Meredith grabbed him by his coat and pulled him closer.

"Maybe." He whispered against her skin as he kissed down her neck. "I always feed you."

"I want food not your…"

"Believe me I would never want to interrupt this." Owen's voice made them both freeze as he stopped next to them.

"At least we're fully clothed."

"Unfortunately." Nathan smiled into the crook of her neck before looking at Owen. "Hi, mate."

"Is Amelia here?"

"I'll go get her." Meredith let out a little sigh as she pushed Nathan from her and went back inside in search of Amelia. Probably a good thing if they were ever going to make it to that dinner.

"Owen is here." Meredith said as she popped in on Amelia who was sitting in the living room.

"What? Tell him I'm not here."

"He knows you're here."

"How did he find out?" Amelia looked up at her with a surprised yet terrified look in her eyes.

"Where else would you be? Look just talk to him. You have to talk to him sometime."

Amelia let out a sigh. "Send him in."

Meredith walked back outside only to see Jo standing there. "Wilson."

"It's a party." Nathan joked.

"She's in the living room." Meredith told Owen who walked past her inside.

"Is Alex here?"

"He's upstairs." Meredith told her and moved to the side to let her through. "We should go."

"We both know we're not making it off this porch."

"Amelia can handle Owen and Alex can handle Jo."

"Mhm."

Meredith looked up at him. "What?"

"You're going to be checking your phone all night long and worrying about the kids. Hey, I don't expect anything else but we don't have to go to dinner."

Meredith knew he was right and walked over to take a seat on the bench. "Just until Owen leaves."

Nathan smiled as he sat next to her. "So, are we going to take bets on when they get divorced?"

"They'll be fine."

"You actually believe that?"

No, she didn't. "She just needs to talk to him."

"Which she's not doing."

"She's trying."

"He had to show up here."

"Shut up."

"I'm right." Nathan smiled as his arm ended up around her.

"When she goes back to her own house I'll be right."

"That's not happening."

"You want them to fail."

Nathan shook his head, "I don't want them to fail."

They could probably go back and forth all night long if they wanted to. She would say she was right and he would say he was right. Probably could have been better people as to not gamble on Owen and Amelia's marriage. "Come on."

"Where are we going?"

Meredith stood up. "Inside."

Meredith peered in on Amelia and Owen who were sitting and talking together. More sitting in silence while Amelia looked upset, Owen somehow managing to look more upset. She didn't understand what could have possibly happened so fast but didn't push it. One day she'd find out the details. Instead she just walked to the kitchen with Nathan behind her, taking a seat at the counter.

She expected him to join her but he didn't. He moved around the island and started rummaging through her fridge. "What are you doing?"

"Feeding us. I expected us to have dinner and I heard from a birdy you're not the best cook."

"Hey." The word came out a sharp with her eyes narrowed over at him.

"I didn't say that."

"Who?"

"So," he carefully avoided the topic. "I'm gonna make us something to eat and you can experiment on us a different night."

"Jerk."

"I thought you two were going out." Amelia said as she wandered in the kitchen. "I can go upstairs."

"Sit down, Shepherd."

"I don't want to interrupt your date."

Nathan gave her a look. "Sit."

"You okay?" Meredith whispered once Amelia did sit.

In return Amelia only shrugged and didn't say anything else.

"Hey, what are you two doing here?" Maggie asked surprised. "You were supposed to go out and have a nice date."

"I'm making dinner."

Maggie looked over at Amelia and Meredith but when they shrugged she found herself on the other side of the island helping Nathan out.

Meredith smiled as she watched him. It was nice to see him just kind of fit in with everything. He could go with the flow, she knew that much, but Amelia and Maggie were not the easiest be around. The awkward tension with Maggie seemed to disappear and Amelia was silent. It was perfect.

The whole not having to cook made everything better.

"What are you doing here?" Alex asked, surprised by everyone in the kitchen.

"Dinner."

"I should go…" Jo said.

"Sit Wilson." Nathan ordered just as he had done with Amelia.

Jo looked over at Alex for a brief moment before taking a seat in the kitchen with everyone else.

"We're working on it." Was the only explanation Meredith got from Alex before he sat down next to Jo at the table.

"I have a surgery tomorrow, Wilson. Minnick is getting all in herself about more resident hours. If you want it."

"Yeah," Jo smiled, "thanks."

Alex and Jo ended up sitting at the table while she sat next to Amelia. She watched as Nathan moved effortlessly around the kitchen with Maggie. Her kids were asleep. It was all...fine, clam, just the way she wanted it to be. He just fit in. A thought she had a thousand different times but she couldn't believe the way he just managed to fit into her life like he was almost meant to.

Dinner went smooth. The conversations went smooth. Even Alex and Nathan managed to patch up their broken...whatever and were on friendly terms.

Once dinner passed they found themselves sitting back at the porch, leaving the mess for the others to clean up. "Where did you learn to cook?"

"You pick things up. Living in other countries, places. Megan liked to always be on an adventure. So when weren't out there it was good. Gotta eat no matter where you live."

"It was good. Better than mine."

"So, you can't cook?"

"Don't look so happy." Meredith nudged him. "You can cook for me now."

"Anytime."


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His was just empty, like he was empty, a vague feeling he managed to have, fighting something inside of himself as he tried to piece together everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For context purposes this deals with the case from 13x14

Things with Meredith were good. It was that simple. Meeting her kids went well. From there on Nathan spent more time with both her and them, blending himself into the life she created. Sometimes he spent the night and other times he snuck out when he woke up in the middle of the night. It was easier than having to explain to them why he was there. He quickly learned that kids picked up on absolutely everything, especially the stuff they weren’t supposed to pick up on. It all resulted in a few amusing encounters.

He’d been working late nights for the past few days when his surgeries ran long, picking up cases that Maggie either didn’t like or was in a surgery of her own. Meredith’s surgeries were early. It felt as if they were always missing each other. With her having the kids it wasn’t like she could just come over when he got home, and waking up an entire house of people didn’t seem smart.

They just had to manage without seeing each other.

They had...just barely. He didn’t want to admit how much he missed being around her. It was ridiculous really. He finally managed to catch a break and her name wasn’t on the O.R. board for another few hours. The window. Until he was in the pit finishing up the last of his paperwork and a patient walked in. Both he and Maggie ended up on the case and his whole day spiraled from there.

That morning when he went into work he didn’t really expect all of the things he normally avoided to be pulled to the surface by a patient. _Claire_ . By Claire. The poor girl just out there and her parents believing she was dead. The memories were impossible to run from and by the day’s end he was truly amazed he was able to keep it together at all. He figured since he hadn’t _actually_ cried it counted as managing to keep himself together.

The minute the day was over he found himself getting out of there, feeling suffocated by the hospital walls and all of the people in them. He sent Meredith a text that he would see her tomorrow, or at least they would try for tomorrow. Scheduling hadn’t been on their side.

He needed the night alone, to wallow, to feel guilt and sorrow, to wish things were different without having to look at Meredith while the thoughts ran through his head. It made him feel worse. There were moments when he thought about Megan being there, it meant he wouldn’t have Meredith. He figured she probably wished he was Derek sometimes. They were even.

Nathan wasn’t sure just how long he managed to sit outside the hospital on the bench. He didn’t pay attention to his surroundings, didn’t pay attention to anything, to anyone. It was endless thoughts of Megan that managed to flow through his mind. She’d been in his orbit for as long as he could remember and then one day she wasn’t. His own fault, he never let himself forget that much. He took for granted just how she was there, _always_. From the moment he met Owen she was everywhere.

They both had their fair share of trials and moments when they were at odds but in the end, it was always Megan. Sometimes she annoyed him so much all he wanted was five minutes of peace. He would audibly groan and she would only talk more, about anything, _everything_ , and he just had to escape so he could get some peace. He’d give anything to hear her speak again. Just one moment where he could see her again, even if she was crying, yelling, if she hated him and wanted nothing to do with him. He just needed one last moment where he could take her in and commit it all to memory. Just one last time in which he knew it was the last time he would see her, touch her, hold her. Just one last time.

He never would get any of that.

It was only when his phone rang in his hand with a call from Meredith did he manage to realize he was still sitting outside of the hospital. He was certain Maggie told her but didn’t bother to answer the call. He didn’t really want to talk to Meredith about it. She had her own issues with Derek and he had his own issues with Megan. In the end, everything would go back to normal and he would smile around Meredith. She would be the one he focused his life on and did his best to piece everything back together. That was another day. He just needed one night where he focused on the Nathan and Megan part of him that he kept so secured from everything else.

He just needed to feel.

Walking into his apartment the emptiness of it struck him. It was cold, unfeeling, as if no one lived there, bare. It had everything he needed but it still felt as if it was so damn empty. Meredith’s house was filled with all kinds of stuff from her and everyone that lived there. Owen’s house didn’t feel stone cold. His was just empty, like he was empty, a vague feeling he managed to have, fighting something inside of himself as he tried to piece together everything.

As he looked around he tried to remember what the place he and Megan shared looked like it.

Warmer than his apartment probably. The place was long behind him. He couldn’t manage to stay in it when she was gone and no point in keeping something neither would ever return to. It didn’t take him long to realize he would never see her again.

He dropped his stuff on the floor by the door and walked directly on over to his room and into the closet. It struck him just what that said about keeping his Megan related things in the closet in boxes that made her seem so insignificant when she was such a large part of his life. It all had to deal with moving on. When he moved back to Seattle and saw Owen every single day it seemed as if he was sent back so many moments, only to propel himself forward with what exactly he was doing with Meredith. They were both moving forward and he really didn’t think he could handle moving backwards.

The box he was looking for was the last box in the corner. He grabbed it and dusted it off, too long since he last saw it, walking back to the kitchen and setting it down on the island. It wasn’t everything he had that she left her mark on but it was the things he considered most important. Said something else the way he tried to keep it as much out of a sight as he could.

Staring at it for a few moments he grabbed the bottle of bourbon he rarely drank from that resided on the top shelf. He needed something stronger that night with the way everything flooded and overwhelmed him.

Of course, he would never be over Megan but he thought he was further along than he was. He felt like he was a wreck barely holding himself together. He wanted to break, more than anything, to just let it all out, but he didn’t. He held himself together, he swallowed everything so completely that it felt like it hurt. He physically hurt.

A glass wasn’t on his list of a priorities as he took a swig from the bottle. A little liquid courage to open the box from parts of his life. He dumped the contents onto the granite, keeping his gaze on it as if it was going to slip away from him.

They had some really happy moments. Some moments that made him think life couldn’t get any better. She made him laugh and smile like no one else had. He was different as he stood there, not quite the guy who laughed and smiled in copious amounts. It wasn’t the war that made him serious like it had Owen, it was the loss of Megan that broke something inside of him that he wouldn’t ever get back. He never bothered trying. Before Meredith he didn’t bother trying. He didn’t need to.

Just like he didn’t need to focus on all of the bad moments he and Megan had. What good was it going to do? What good was thinking about all of the stupid and serious fights they had? The ones where they were both yelling so loud all he could think do was kiss her. The ones where they were both so silent it made his heart ache and he knew better than to even dare to look at her. The ones where she said things she swore she didn’t mean. None of that meant anything with her gone. It was pointless. The harsh realities of what their relationship only proved to make him better and Nathan didn’t think he was allowed to feel better. He needed to sit with the loss forever.

It was the knock on the door that pulled him from the trance of thinking about Megan while looking at pieces of his past. He took another swig from the bottle before he went to answer the door, probably more surprised than he should have been to see Meredith standing on the other side of the threshold.

“Maggie sent me.”

He had been ignoring Meredith’s calls but since she was there he stepped aside for her to come in. “Do you want a drink?”

“No.”

Nathan walked back to where he was standing previously in the kitchen. Any other night seeing Meredith was something he looked forward to, something he would have welcomed far more than he did as she watched him and he looked anywhere but her. He just wanted to be alone. “I’m fine.” He spoke after a few moments, glancing up at her briefly.

“You’re drinking straight from the bottle.”

“It’s my bourbon.”

“You could use a glass.”

A shrug rolled off his shoulders. “I don’t want a glass.”

“Okay.”

Nathan took another swig from the bottle, maintaining eye contact. “You don’t strike me as the type to always use a glass.”

“I don’t. Usually I’m upset but you’re standing there saying you’re fine.”

“I _am_ fine.”

Meredith didn’t say anything else as she moved to stand at his side. “What is all this?”

“Stuff from the war.”

“You remember when you told me I didn’t need to push you away? You don’t need to push me away either.”

“Pierce and I had this patient today. _Claire_. She had schizophrenia. Her parents thought she was dead but she was alive after twelve years. They weren’t happy. They were, of course...their daughter is alive but she was out there the whole time and they just had no idea.”

“You’re thinking about Megan.”

“Why do I even keep this stuff?” Nathan asked more to himself than to her, rummaging absently through it. “It’s not like she’s going to walk through and ask for it.” He held up a necklace with a ring on the end. “When we got engaged I told her she didn’t need to wear this. When we were working she didn’t but she put it on the end of this necklace Hunt got her for her birthday one year. In our quiet moments she would put her ring on. We’d been fighting a lot in those last few weeks and after the cheating she just left in her stuff. I took it when I realized she wasn’t coming back and I just keep it. What’s the point though? She’s not going to walk in and ask for it back. She’d tell me to go to hell.” Nathan smiled as he so clearly hear her voice in his head.

“You don’t need a reason to keep something.”

“She should have had it on that day and she didn’t because of me.”

“Derek went back to D.C. to quit his job. If he hadn’t left in the first place after I yelled at him to go he’d probably still be here.”

“You don’t get it any more than Pierce did.” He didn’t expect her to, not really. The stories were completely different. Everything was completely different. “She left because I cheated on her. She wanted to get away from me. I never saw her again. You don’t know what that does to a person, Meredith. There’s no body. There’s no knowledge. There’s _nothing_ . What good does burying a damn box in the ground do? _Nothing_. It does nothing. It helps no one. It’s just a damn box in the ground that means nothing. You don’t know the shit I’ve seen over there and what I lay awake at night thinking what could have happened to her. You never recover from something like that.” He never deserved to recover from something like that.

“Nathan...”

“No, don’t do that. When you say my name I know you feel sorry and I don’t want it. I don’t need the sad, pity look. I have had enough of that for the last ten years. For all of Owen’s crap at least he never felt sorry. It was a relief”

“Derek would have done the same thing. He would have let me go. That’s not me feeling sorry for you. That’s what I know and I wouldn’t want him to torture himself like this.”

“Are you over him?”

Meredith didn’t reply but her look said everything.

“Exactly.” It didn’t bother Nathan but he thought the advice coming from her was a whole load of crap. He picked up one of the polaroids and showed it to her. “I hurt my shoulder and I took some time. Megan came with me, not immediately. We ended up in Latvia after Megan opened a book and it was the first country she saw. She had poor impulse control, we both did. We don’t speak Latvian or Russian.” Nathan smiled at the memory. “It didn’t go too well but she loved it. We got lost in the middle of the night in a forest we shouldn’t have been in. I knew I loved her then.”

“Sounds like an adventure.”

“Yeah, it was.” Nathan thought better of sharing too much more with Meredith and took a drink. “She liked adventures. Did I ever tell you why we joined the Army?”

“No.”

“Megan. Lots of reasons but Megan was so excited. Like we were going to Disneyland.”

“Never expected to never get off the rides.”

“Nope.” Nathan focused on Meredith then, try to cleanse his mind of Megan. “You should go home.”

“Do you want me to go home?”

The distance between them was nonexistent as he took a step forward, stroking her cheek with his thumb. “I don’t know what I want.”

“You? Major Nathan Riggs doesn’t know what he wants? You’ve wanted me since you’ve met me.”

“I like that... _Major_.”

“You don’t seem like a sir.”

Nathan laughed at that. “Please don’t tell me there’s a copy of Fifty Shades of whatever in your room.”

“No, I don’t need a terrible book to act out my fantasies.”

“What are you fantasies?”

“Do you have your uniform?”

“Like a good military man?”

“Do you?”

“I do.”

“One night you should surprise a girl.”

“Okay.” Nathan smirked. “And what about tonight?”

“You still haven’t told me what you wanted.”

He didn’t really know what he wanted. He really did think that he had his life pieced back together but the day just sent him back. Meredith had been a staple in his life since he got to Seattle even when the two of them weren’t together. She was someone he needed and wanted. If his story with Megan had a concrete end perhaps he wouldn’t be a mess that he was, standing there, looking at her. “I want you but that makes me feel guilty when we’re standing here with next to pictures of Megan and the engagement ring I gave her.”

“We had sex in front of my post it note vows.”

“I don’t mean just sex.” He lifted Meredith up so she was sitting on the edge of the island and moved to stand between her legs. “I’ve never been in a relationship with anyone but Megan. She was it. She was everything. I don’t even know if she’s _actually_ dead. It’s a different feeling.”

“You’re having the six week freak out.”

“Is that even a thing?”

Meredith shrugged. “It is now.”

“I’m not freaking out.” If he was he wouldn’t even be there with her. He’d of told her to leave. Being there with her did bring him some sense of peace no one had ever been able to give him. “It’s just been a long day. I want to be here. With you.”

Meredith picked up the necklace with the engagement ring. “What are you going to do with this?”

“What did you do with yours?”

“It’s in a drawer. I never wore it.”

Nathan took it from her and placed it in the box. Out of sight. Out of mind. “When you’re gone everything you are fits into a box.”

“There’s always someone to remember you.”

Nathan brushed his lips against Meredith’s, the desire to escape everything real and true. “It’s nice when you’re being wise.”

“I’m wise.”

“Mm. I don’t want to talk about them.”

“What _do_ you want to do?”

“I want to take off all of your clothes. You’re breaking our no clothes rule.” Nathan wasted no time in tugging her loose pants down from her body. “Progress.”

“Is that all you want? My pants off? I have way more to offer.”

Nathan didn’t reply and unbuttoned her shirt, pushing it off her shoulders. She wasn’t wearing a bra, less for him to fuss with. His lips brushed against her jawline, taking her in, his hands roaming her chest. It’d been less than a week since he’d found himself there with her but it felt too long. “Better. Too bad you have one pesky little article of clothing on. Best part, too. How am I supposed to taste you?”

“You have to earn that.”

Nathan pulled her as closed as he could manage, enjoying her topless there before him. He couldn’t keep his gaze off of her. Slowly his eyes traveled along her body before meeting her own, tucking a few strands of hair behind her ear. He wasn’t thinking about anything but her. “You seemed to enjoy it in the on call room. Were even late to your surgery.” His fingers absently circled her nipple, feeling it harden beneath his touch. “Tugged at my hair, squirmed, had to put hand over your mouth to not have everyone in the hallway know. I think you might like that...when I have to keep you quiet.”

“I recall none of this.”

“None of it?” Not as if he actually believed her there. “Pity then. Some of my best work.”

“You say that every time.”

“You never deny it.” He kissed at her neck, teeth grazing against her pulse. “You never deny anything.”

“I’m denying you now.”

“Then I guess I’ll stop touching you.” Nathan pulled his hands and lips from her and crossed his arms.

The pair stared at one another in silence. It would be a matter of time before one of them broke. It was just the question of who would go first.

It was Meredith, pulling at Nathan’s sleeve and tugging him forward.

His hands were braced on the granite on both sides of her. The mood shifted near instantly. The sadness that overwhelmed him was replaced by something different. He was alive and so was Meredith.

“What do you want to do next?”

For a moment he thought about giving her the simple answer. Usually he went with it, muting some of his thoughts to have them both fall into the action. The action could wait. “Do you know what I want to do?” the question was soft as he ran his palms against her thighs, “I want to rip these off of you. I want to spread your legs and see just how wet you are. I love when you’re like, spread open, me able to see every inch of you, glistening. It’s, uh, there aren’t really words for it. You flush. Just barely, your cheeks get all pink, and you bite down on your lip. Always. Without fail. Then I want to drop to my knees, find myself between your legs, your thighs, your cunt. You’ll start humming them, the anticipation makes you hum. Biting and sucking on your thigh is when you start moaning, when my tongue runs along you is when you thread your fingers through my hair. That’s what I want. I want to be on my knees as I lick you and you can’t take it anymore, the teasing, you love it and hate it, then I just want you to take it for yourself. It’s really hot when you just take what you want from me without any care in the world.”

“Then what are you waiting for?”

He dropped to his knees, tugging her panties from her body as she moves from sitting, to leaning against the island, the removed garment finding a place in the pocket of his pants. “I’m keeping these.” Something he’d of done in college but with Meredith he didn’t care. The little pieces of her were things he wanted to keep. His hands slowly ran along her thighs, “Spread your legs.”

When Meredith complied he gave a hint of a smirk at her. “I thought about this this morning. Spreading you legs, down on my knees, seeing how wet you are. I like when you are like this. I’d keep you like this if I could.” He spread her legs further, just enough, barely touching her, ghosting his breath along her skin. His own arousal not lost on him, only ignored for the time being.

“You’re talking too much.” Meredith scolded, pushing his head towards her.

He could take a hint. Ghosting along her was no longer an option, nor a desire, not when it was clear just how much she wanted him. She was wet, soaked, a look he committed to memory each time he was around her. There was something in the thrill of the tease, seeing just how bothered he could get her before she got too frustrated and just made him go further. It didn’t help he found the whole women in power thing totally hot. The soft whine that came from her made him smile that time, his tongue running along her center tasting her, teasing her, avoiding the spots of true pleasure. He enjoyed those moments, driving her mad, the moment when he could look up at her and know just what he looked at it flip of side of the way he loved looking down at her with his cock in her mouth.

He was slow at first, movements lazy, as if he was pretending he wasn't doing anything worthwhile at all, just being. He didn’t leave an inch of her uncovered, even less so when he hooked her leg over his shoulder and he was exposed to her entirely. His tongue finds her clit just as his fingers make their way inside of her. Her moans filled his ears just as she would tug on his hair, a soft pleading she really didn’t want him to know how much she liked it.

He knew just how much that was. Certainly when she, of her volition, took the pleasure he was offering. Took and took, rolling her hips against his mouth and fingers. He complied, all too easy, suckng and swriling, thrusting and curling, letting her be, letting her tug at him, letting her say his name to the point where it didn’t even sound real anymore. He looked up at her as the orgasm rocked through her body. It was always a sight, something he usually took as a personal challenge to see how many times in one he could make that happen.

He pulled his fingers from her and licked them clean as he found himself standing. He needed her and held no desire to wait. Roughly grabbing her hip he spun her around, pushing her down so her chest was flat against the granite. It almost felt like a race as he tugged himself free from his pants, cursing himself for bothering to use a belt, even more annoyed how real clothes were harder to break free of than hospital scrubs.

Really, he should have had more self control. He shouldn’t feel the desperate buzz throughout him to be inside of her, but it was there. It was there and he didn’t bother waiting more than a second before slipping inside of her, biting down on his lip, the feel of her taking over his senses. Meredith pushed back against him and all he could do was smirk, gripping at her to keep her there.

“I already got off,” she spoke as she looked back at him. “I would think you’d want to, too.”

“Watching you squirm is worth the wait.” Only for so long. When she moved back against him again the thought of not taking what he wanted was horrendous. He thought that getting laid on the regular would manage to calm him, but it seemed to do just the opposite. He wanted her all the time. She was warm and wet, tight and perfect, just everything his fantasies when he used his hand for pleasure in the shower wanted her to. Nothing about his movements were slow or soft. He just needed her. Didn’t care about much else with the way he roughly moved against her, nothing controlled about him, moving on instinct, on desire, on passion.

His hand grabbed her hair by the first full and yanked her back towards him, her arm moving back to grab at him. Her moans got louder then, filling up the empty space of his apartment, Nathan holding onto her as they moved together in a mess of movements that made his body feel like it was burning from the inside out.

“Nathan, I’m…”

“Come for me, Meredith.” He demanded, voice on the edge of a growl, in her ear.

The entire thing was quick. From the moment he slid inside of her to when she was telling him she was about to come again it was quick. Everything hitting them together, the last bit of control gone with the way she tightened around him, and he spilled himself inside of her..

“Thank you for coming over.” He murmured in her ear, his touch along her body more gentle, once he managed to get some of his senses back.

“Do you feel better?”

“Content.” Nathan kissed her shoulder. “Happy with you. I always manage to feel happy around you.”

“I think that’s the sex high.”

“No, I’m really happy.”

“Me too.”

* * *

“I said to page Pierce.” Owen’s unhappy voice came as Nathan walked down to the pit.

April looked confused. “You said Cardio.”

“Take this.” Owen handed the file to April before brushing past them both.

“What was that?”

Nathan shook his head. “Nothing.”

“It’s something.”

“You’re going to keep asking?”

“Yes.”

“It’s Megan’s birthday.” A day he tried not to think much of and as the days leading into the weekend passed him by he didn’t.

“Megan.” April said the name, trying to place. “Oh, _Megan_. That makes sense.”

“Yup.” He didn’t want to talk about it. “You needed a consult?”

“Yeah, bed two.”

If the case had been interesting at least it would have given him something to do. It was pretty run of the mill and ended up not being surgical in the end. April kept that look on her face that meant she was going to ask questions he was not actually going to answer, which only led him to the attendings’ lounge, pouring himself some coffee.

His eyes were in something of a near trance as the coffee poured. It only managed to remind him of his miracle dream. It came to him two nights before and there was just so much he couldn’t manage to shake. A feeling he couldn’t explain, one he didn’t want to explain. It was just a dream he had a thousand times before and a dream he would probably have in the future.

He nearly jumped out of his skin when Meredith set her cup down on the counter next to him. “You scared me.”

“Are you okay?” Meredith asked as she leaned over past him to fill her own cup.

“I’m fine.” Nathan dismissed. “I have a surgery.”

“You forgot your coffee.”

“I don’t want it.”

Nathan kissed Meredith on the cheek before leaving the room. It wasn’t that he was avoiding her but the moment came when thinking about Megan and Meredith got him all twisted inside. Things were so bottled up within him until the bottle started leaking and there was so little he could think of clearly. He just felt like so much of a mess that nothing make sense, nothing fit, it wasn’t right.

He wasn’t lying to her when he said he had a surgery. It proved to even out his mind, after he nearly broke the bar in half as he scrubbed in, thinking of being back in Iraq when he was younger and stupider.

What he didn’t expect was Meredith to waltz right in.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m helping you.” Meredith stated as if the answer was completely obvious. “Is this about Megan?”

“No.” An obvious lie. “It’s her birthday. Hunt is probably worse off. You should check on him.”

“I’m checking on you. He was upset earlier. He’ll be fine. You being here reminds him.”

“I’ll just run away back to the desert then,” he bit out.

“That’s not what I meant.”

“I know. I’m sorry.” He just needed to focus on the surgery. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”

“Dinner.” Meredith obliged, changing the topic.

“What?”

“Tonight, dinner. With the kids. Did you forget?”

He had, kind of. “No, I’ll be there.”

“Okay.”

“Could you close for me?” He didn’t bother waiting for Meredith to answer and walked from the OR straight outside. “It’s not funny if you’re haunting me.”

A patient looked at him but he just smiled and walked to a more secluded area, staring up into the nothingness. “I feel crazy. I’m sure they’ll be admitting me to the psych ward in an hour. I know it’s your birthday and I’d rather you be here but you’re not. You’re dead, if I’m realistic here. You’re dead. I love you and you’re dead. I know I messed up but I’m not messing up this time. I’m sorry, okay. _I’m sorry._  I said that to you before you left and you to told me to go to hell. But I still mean that….I’m sorry.”

He really did sound insane. Probably looked worse. He didn’t really think that she was haunting him. Hopefully she found peace. If anyone deserved to find some semblance of peace it was her.

His little outburst didn’t change much but spending the night with Meredith and the kids did. She ended up burning during, which seemed to amuse the kids more than it disappointed them. Kids liked pizza and were seemingly used to Meredith burning things when Zola told him it happened more than she was willing to admit to him.

“They’re asleep.” Meredith said as she entered her bedroom where he was sitting on the edge of her bed. She didn’t join him right away and instead grabbed something out of the drawer.

“What is this?”

“It’s the post it.”

Nathan took it from her hand and looked down at it, giving a small smile. “It’s nice.”

“Yeah, it was.”

He handed it back to her and watched as she moved over to the closet. “What are you doing?”

“Come here.”

“It’s...a drawing of what I’m guessing to be a tumor.”

“I’m going to give it to Amelia.” Meredith paused and looked over at him. “Derek drew it. It’s not that important. It’s different for you, I know that. They’re possessions. They don’t mean much, not really. It’s the memories, those are important. Some days are good and some are bad. We can move on together. You started this. You’re not backing out on me now.”

Nathan smiled and pulled her closer. “No, I’m not. So, a giant tumor?”

Meredith wrapped her arms around him. “It used to be above the bed.”

“Better those the ugly pictures.”

“Hey,” she swatted him, “I won’t let you stay over.”

Nathan picked her up and carried her over to the bed, “You need to get better at lying.”

“I’m plenty good, thank you.”

Nathan stole a quick kiss. “You’re not but you’re pretty so I’ll it slide.”

“Thank you.” She kissed him, rolling so she was on top of him. “The kids are asleep.”

“Say no more.”


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meredith stayed quiet for a moment, letting her whole demeanor just soften. "I miss you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This week's update is a day late, but I did post two one-shots between chapters so it counts. Apologies if the French in this is a crappy translation. I used a few different sites to check to make sure it fits, but I do not speak French so...it is what it is.

If Meredith was being truthful the idea of going all way to Montana with Jackson was not something she was looking forward to. The patient needed them and transferring two patients just seemed so stupid. She got it, she did, but being away was not something that interested her too much. It probably should have, since it meant she was actually going to get sleep through the night.

She'd rather spend her nights with Nathan.

The very Nathan who drove her to the airport and was standing with her outside of his car. He leaned against the hood as she was settled between his legs, waiting for Jackson, who could take his sweet time for all she cared.

"Don't get into too much trouble." Meredith warned, glancing up at him.

"I'm offended."

"I don't care."

"It won't take you that long. I can't get into too much trouble." He grabbed her by her jacket, pulling her closer before leaning down to give her a kiss. "You need more help staying out of trouble than I do."

"I'll be good."

Nathan didn't even bother to hide the chuckle. "You're not good but I don't think I'd like you as much as I do if you were."

"There's a gift on your phone. If that gets into the wrong hands I'm not responsible about what happens to you." Meredith smirked just as Jackson's car pulled up.

"You're killing me, Grey."

Meredith gave him a quick kiss just as Jackson was calling for her name. "Yeah. Enjoy."

Before she could actually make it over to Jackson, Nathan had pulled her back and gave her a proper goodbye kiss. One that, in any other situation, would have shifted her thoughts along a different road entirely. Instead she had to focus on work and that she would be spending more time with Jackson than she had in recent memory.

"You'll be gone a day, not for life." Jackson commented just as Meredith stopped where he was standing with Catherine.

Meredith rolled her eyes in return. "You were the one who was late, not me."

"We shouldn't be gone too long." Jackson ignored her and spoke to Catherine.

Who only waved him off. "I can handle my grandbaby."

"Okay." Jackson nodded but seemed unconvinced.

Either way they ended up on the plane and Meredith didn't have much of a good feeling about it. True with any and all planes ever since the plane crash. She could fly but it didn't mean she had to like it and given how calm Jackson was on a small plane that would be more likely to crash and kill them, it only served to drive the irritation she was trying her best to swallow.

"Where's April?" A change of conversation would be good.

"Chicago for some Avery business." Jackson answered without glancing over at her. "It was my mother's idea. I should have brought Harriet."

"She'll be fine, Jackson. I'm leaving three kids in the hands of Maggie, Amelia, and Alex. My house burning down has a higher chance."

"You have the luck for it."

"I'll take that champagne from _Katie_ and you won't be able to use me."

The barely there hint of a smile wasn't missed as Jackson looked over some files as they began their flight to Montana.

Meredith had an entirely different approach and chose to enjoy her quiet time. It wasn't like she got much of it anymore. She loved her babies more than anything but to be able to sit there without someone needing her for something was a luxury she wasn't going to pass up. The bonus of Jackson not being overly chatty was also something she was going to relish in.

The flight felt shorter than it actually was and the ride to the hospital felt even shorter. The minute they actually met with the doctor something felt off and weird to him. It could have just been the man himself, however, as to whenever Jackson opened his mouth the man was on about the Avery name. It did serve to amuse her, until she mentioned the whole Grey Sloan Memorial thing and he was doing his best to pry that one out of her. Not that she budged much.

When he informed them that the father of the kid in the bed thought their conversation would be more positive confirmed her off feeling. Jackson mostly lead the conversation that should have already been handled by the doctors there. It was anything less than pleasant and the added in moment of Jackson telling the man about his own dead son the whole mood in the room shifted, if that was even possible.

It even managed to make Meredith feel awkward, which was near impossible to do.

"Are you okay?" Meredith asked Jackson once they were out of the room and walking down the hall. She'd never really been around for when it happened and she was so consumed with Derek's death it was almost as if it didn't exist for her. In a lot of ways, it didn't. She wasn't close with either at the time as it were and the whole mess just...seemed to turn into something else by the time she found herself living in Seattle again. It was likely a question she should have asked a long time ago.

"I'm fine."

"Using the kids that's a very Ellis Grey move."

"You ever done it?"

Meredith had a hint of a smile, showing just how guilty she was. "Sometimes you have to relate to the patient but my children aren't dead."

"Your husband is."

Meredith looked over at him then, almost like she was seeing a whole new side to Jackson. "Have you always been this blunt?"

"I have to go do something." He replied over bothering to answer her question. "I'll call you later. If something happens call me."

"Where are you going?"

"Bye, Grey."

Meredith realized that something was up with Jackson but wasn't exactly sure what it was. She could have poked and prodded, but, in the end decided she didn't care too much. Whatever Jackson was into was his own business, even if she didn't think, he could possibly have anything that important in Montana of all places. Unless that was his whole reason for being so adamant on the patient and spent a good twenty minutes convincing her that they could actually do something.

No matter what it was she had too many problems to focus on and Jackson just wasn't one of them. As long as the patient remained stable he could do whatever he wanted for the remainder of the day.

She grabbed all of the patient files before moving to grab her jacket. Snow wasn't much of her friend and she definitely should have worn better boots. Did she even own boots? She honestly couldn't remember but Seattle was more just rain, rain, and more rain. So much rain that when the sun was out she was more surprised than she wasn't. The surgery wouldn't be until the next day and as much fun as she thought it would to be stand around with the weirdly passive aggressive doctor who had some kind of complex for recognizable names she decided to make her way back to her hotel room. Out of the snow.

As she walked to the hotel she pulled out her phone to call Nathan. Not to seem like a needy girl who couldn't spend more than a few hours away from her... _boyfriend_ sounded cheap but she supposed there wasn't really much other way to label him. Lover didn't sound much better but she wasn't in love with him. She didn't think, not yet. He had an impact on her in a way only Derek ever managed to do before and...it was all heading down a train of thoughts she would freak herself out with later.

"Did you find your surprise?" She asked before he could even greet her.

"You're holding out on me."

She really did wish she could have seen his face the first time he looked at the little video. "You have to earn the kink."

"So, we'll have to work our way up to the sex tape?"

"You're at least a hundred orgasms away from that."

"I'll keep track." Nathan said in such a cocky manner he had to be smirking. "How's the patient?"

"This place is a mess and Jackson ditched me."

"So, what are you going to do?"

Meredith shrugged, failing to realize she still had to answer. "Go over this case, find something that isn't chinese food, and sleep. What are you doing?"

"Shepherd and I are doing a surgery."

She really did try to help the laugh. "Good luck."

"Why are you saying it like that?"

"Amelia is extra moody, extra sulky and the only person she hates more than me is Owen. Otherwise she's a mute. Amelia Shepherd is a mute. I'll let you deal with that."

"I'm sure you're being dramatic."

"Goodbye, Nathan."

Meredith found her way to her hotel room and the fact that she had all that time to herself was enough to give her the feeling of not knowing what she needed to do. She had the files for the case all over her bed but had to admit it wasn't intense or interesting enough to keep her attention until the late hours. The sun was still out and she didn't usually sleep until way into the night. There was no Nathan to occupy her time and didn't want to call him a million times. He was working on a surgery.

Eventually boredom hit her and she found herself down at the one bar in the town. It was right between the hospital and the hotel. Interesting place if she ever saw one, briefly thinking of Joe's. Doctors needed places to drink, too. When she walked in she didn't expect to see Jackson sitting at the table closest to the door with his laptop and other files spread all around him.

"Is this what you had to do? If you wanted space you can say something. I'm not April. I don't need the weird excuses."

"What are you doing here?" He looked just as surprised to see her as she did him.

"I got bored and wanted a drink."

Jackson only remained quiet.

"Okay, you have this sad look on your face and I know that look. Nathan's had that look for the past week. I know you don't have a dead wife so what's up?

"Nothing." Jackson dismissed her easily. "Sit and have a drink."

Meredith thought about declining his offer but took the seat at the table. Better than sitting next to some random stranger and picking at the nuts that no one should ever actually eat when in a bar. It really only led to her looking around before staring at Jackson.

"What, Grey?"

"What do you want to drink?"

"A beer is fine."

Meredith got up and walked over to the bar. Something was definitely up with Jackson but she was fine just having a drink. It was growing exhausting to be worrying about everyone's problems. She still hadn't really figured out just what was going on with Amelia and her seemingly failed marriage to Owen.

"You're not from around here, are you?" The man behind the bar asked.

"No, just in town for a surgery."

"He's been sitting there for hours." He gestured to Jackson. "Big case?"

"Yeah, big enough to land us here."

"Good luck." He smiled politely and handed Meredith her drinks which landed her back at the table with Jackson.

"What he'd say?"

Meredith shrugged as she slid the mug of beer towards him. "Pleasantries."

He didn't really seem pleased with the answer but she just drank her vodka tonic without saying anything more. Until she got a call from the hospital that derailed everything for them. That felt more like the natural course of things instead of things running seemingly smooth. She was still have surprised they even made it their without getting into a plane crash and never heard from again Lexie style.

Morbid but true.

"So, the kid is out." Meredith sighed as she ended the call and placed her phone on the table.

"What happened?"

"Tumor."

"Damn it." Jackson ran his hands over his face. "We need something stronger."

"What about the family?"

"Let's just wait until the morning."

Meredith didn't argue with him knowing they wouldn't have much positive to tell the parents anyway. Probably better if they took the night to come up with something so they had some sort of plan before they crushed their whole world. Or if they couldn't come up with something at least they had a night of drinking to prepare themselves for the inevitable outcome.

Drinking helped everything.

One round of shots turned into three and by then Jackson had loosened up a little. Not a ton but enough and Meredith felt calm, good, buzzed, and had kind of missed the feeling of just not having anything to worry about other than how she was going to walk from the bar back to her room.

Everyone needed some childfree, man free time. Even if was with Jackson who had an attitude worse than she'd seen in years. It was getting late and if they were going to get up at a decent hour to actually be the surgeons that they were there to be they should have probably kept it a night sooner rather than later, but she hadn't quite finished her drink yet.

Excuses.

Another excuse came when her phone rang and Nathan's name popped up on her screen. Just the person she wanted to talk to.

"Nathan!" She smiled brightly, a way that Meredith rarely ever smiled. "Hi. I'm kind of," her voice dropped to a whisper, " _drunk_."

"Alone?"

"I'm with Jackson." She pointed him out just as she said his name.

"Is he drunk?"

"Yes." She nodded, even though he couldn't see her. "It was his idea."

"I'm not even there to take advantage of you."

"No, I took advantage of you."

"Oh, I wasn't this drunk."

Meredith stayed quiet for a moment, letting her whole demeanor just soften. "I miss you."

"Oh, yeah you need to stop drinking you don't admit those things freely." Nathan let out a soft chuckle. "I miss you, too, for the record."

"You're there and I..."

Before she could finish Jackson swiped her phone. "I'll let her call you when she's sober." Meredith noticed the way Jackson laughed. "Yeah, I got it."

"What are you doing? Give me my phone."

"No." Jackson put it in his pocket. "You were going to say something you weren't ready for and wouldn't even think if you were sober."

"I was not." Meredith sighed, maybe he had a point.

"He's a good guy and you two work well. I'm divorced. Living with my baby mama. Don't ruin this."

"Are you living through us?" Never thought she'd see the day.

"No," Jackson made a face. "I just know stupid decisions when I see them."

Meredith rolled her eyes and managed to stand from her seat. She was annoyed that he took her phone and even more annoyed that she didn't get to finish her conversation with Nathan. She missed him. It was likely the alcohol that was talking, the very alcohol that made her head down roads she wasn't really ready to head down. Instead of fighting with someone who was going to hold her phone hostage she decided to use it as some sort of excuse to get herself on last drink before she turned in for the night.

A bed did really sound nice.

"You two having a little party over there."

"Yeah," Meredith leaned against the bar, "case is not going well."

"I know those."

"You're a bartender. No offense."

"None taken." He waved off. "I used to be a doctor."

"Meredith Grey." She offered her hand only to feel Jackson all too close to her seemingly out of nowhere..

"We have to go." Jackson didn't let the man finish.

"Can I have my phone?" Worth a shot.

"Come on." Jackson smiled at the man and handed her her jacket.

She put it on but looked him when they got outside. "Why are you being so weird?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"You don't have to talk about it if you give me my phone back. I have kids."

"You live with half the hospital."

"Jackson."

Jackson handed her the phone. "It's my father and we're not talking about it."

"Okay."

"That's it?"

"If Lexie hadn't shown up I would never told anyone about mine." Maybe things would have been a hell of a lot easier if certain events in her life just didn't happen.

They walked back to the hotel and as Meredith slowly, very slowly, began to see some things in something of a clearer light she put the pieces of the night in an order that she was glad certain things didn't quite play out the way she was going to let them.

"Thanks for the phone thing." She didn't think it needed to be said but she needed to say it anyway.

"Anytime, Grey."

* * *

The last thing Meredith expected to be woken up by was the loud banging on the door, especially when she was nowhere near her sisters, Alex, and her kids. She was laying in a bed all to herself, messed all up in the covers, actually sleeping a deeper sleep she couldn't remember having since before they had Zola.

That was too many years ago.

With a groan she got up and found her way to the door, only to see Jackson standing on the other side looking wide awake and ready to work. "I have three kids I never sleep. Ever."

"Get dressed."

"Come on in Jackson. Please." She said sarcastically as he walked past her.

She noticed the papers in his hand but didn't bother to ask. Instead she found some clothes she wanted to wear for the day and grabbed her phone before walking into the bathroom. Stupid that she had to change in the bathroom when she had a whole room that Jackson invaded instantly. She did manage to get dressed before Nathan called her so she considered that the victory of the day.

"I didn't think you'd be awake."

"So you called me anyway?" Her tone was grumpy, to say the least, grabbing her clothes as she walked out the bathroom. "You're taking Avery off my hands he's irritating." Meredith ignored the glare Jackson gave her. "Sleep isn't much of a thing when you're him, I guess."

Nathan could only laugh.

"Shut up."

"Hangover?"

"No." Something that was a lie. "We hit a snag."

"You're not coming back tonight."

"Probably not."

"Play nice. I'll reward you when you get home."

"You better hold up your part of the bargain." It was the one thing she was looking forward to, other than seeing her kids.

"Goodbye, Meredith."

After she hung up the phone with Jackson her day seemed to steadily decline. She ended up back at the hospital to tell the parents the truth of what was happening, had Jackson make promises when they had no game plan, and spent half the day bickering with one another.

She knew that it really wasn't about her or the case, but about his father. It just annoyed her to no end that everything they were discussing came out in a mess. She really just wanted to help the kid out so everyone could be happy. Jackson wanted the same thing but the way he was going about it was so different from anything she was used to seeing.

Not that she and him worked together all that often.

"Don't take your crap out on me." She finally snapped after what felt like the fifth hundredth fight.

"I'm not."

That was a lie if she ever heard one. "My intern year I sought out my father after I found my mother had an affair. It didn't go so well. He asked if I needed anything and I said I didn't. That was it until Lexie showed up."

"You don't have to tell me."

"I know. Talk to him. Rip the band aid off. At least while you can. Finding out about Lexie and molly only made me feel worse but at least I knew." Meredith shrugged, everything about her demeanor softening. "Why did you find him?"

"I wanted to know."

"You don't have to talk to him. I probably wouldn't. I'm not a poster child for healthy anything though. If you talk to him you'll find some answer, even if it's not the one you want."

"We have surgery."

As it turned out the proposed plan Jackson came up with worked and everything went according to the plan. Not that she ever doubted his surgical skills but the way things were going she didn't know if either of them would come up with any sort of plan that would actually work.

"See, it went well." She smiled when the patient was in recovery and doing well. They'd spoken to the parents and everything should have been fine from there on out.

"Yeah. I don't want to talk about my dad."

"I didn't ask." Nor was she going to.

Meredith swore that he thought she was April who would pry into his life without bothering to care whether or not he wanted to share. If Jackson wanted to deal with his dad then he would. If he didn't then it wouldn't matter to her anyway.

She did manage to actually get some sleep that night without Jackson knocking on her door obnoxiously early. She packed all her stuff back up and was just happy to go back to Seattle. She was ignoring the whole fact that she had to get back on the small plane to do that.

They were running late as it was. Though it was Jackson's plane so there wasn't really a time, but she carried her bag and found him in the bar talking to his dad. She did manage to catch a few end words but mostly tried to act like she wasn't there at all, sneaking back out, and waiting in the cold with the snow slightly melting. Not like she would want anyone to listen to any of the conversations she had with Thatcher, but most of those she had no choice when he was drunkenly yelling at her for one reason or another.

"I'm ready." Jackson said as he walked down the steps.

"You told him more than I told Thatcher. He didn't even know I had kids."

"Why not?

Meredith shrugged as the answer was simple. "Because he didn't deserve to know." A decision she didn't regret.

"Thanks."

* * *

The sight of Catherine Avery when they got off of the plane was not exactly a good sign, nor when she told them there had been a mudslide and the hospital was packed with patients. They ended up going straight to the hospital and getting lost in the chaos.

Meredith didn't clock many emergency room days anymore. Sometimes she would get called down for a patient but it wasn't that often. Usually she was on there if there was some kind of accident. She did more schedule routine surgeries than anything unusual. The trip with Jackson got her to do something different versus anything she normally saw.

Three patients later she felt like she had been there forever.

"Have you seen Nathan?" Meredith asked as she grabbed another file from April.

"No," she shook her head. "He and Hunt went out there with some others. Haven't seen them since this morning."

Before she could get any more information she was directed to another patient and April was pulled away by someone else. She had to admit the thought of him out there didn't sit well with her at all. People in dangerous situations around her didn't seem to fare all that well. Even just existing and breathing on a routine day didn't make them fare all that well at all either.

As it turned out her patient ended up needing surgery and that was where her mind focused, not Nathan. Not Nathan being out there and getting himself into a mess. She did take a moment to remember that he was in the Army. He survived Iraq. He was with Owen. They seemed on better terms if something happened then they would at least have one another's backs.

Or she was convincing herself of all that so she didn't worry and could actually focus on the patient on her table.

Her mind was a mess until she closed up and sent the patient to recovery. She filled out the rest of the chart quickly and checked her phone to see if she heard anything.

She was being anxious, could feel it in her bones, radiating off of her in a way it didn't need to. She was well aware of how ridiculous she was being. It wasn't the same feeling she had with Derek, which only proved to tell her just ridiculous she was being. As if they were finally happy and something had to destroy that.

For no reason other than the fact that she was Meredith Grey.

"Have you seen Nathan?" She asked Amelia as she was walking down the hall.

"I haven't."

Meredith didn't really think she had and moved to turn down the hall.

"What's up, Meredith?" Amelia called after her.

"Nothing. Patients. I'll be in the ER." A poor dismissal if she ever heard one.

A new wave of patients came in by the time she made it down to the emergency room, filled with even more chaos than before. There were people who needed her left and right, other doctors asking her for things, patients with questions, but her mind was too centered on Nathan to really care. She wanted to know where exactly he was and if he was okay. With all of the trauma she had been through her mind couldn't just accept that he was okay.

She answered all of the questions, stitched up a few patients, and made sure to call consults for the others who needed them. A lot of wounds were superficial, the more emergent cases brought in first.

It was well into the night before the dust seemed to settle. The last patient was doing fine and she'd just given some painkillers. Half felt like she would need a painkiller and some sleep, along with actually seeing her kids she'd been without for the past few days.

Only when she looked up she actually saw Nathan walking in through the doors with a kid in his arms. The relief that washed over her was immediate, only to be replaced with a bit of anger that she didn't experience all that often. She stood in her same position while he reunited the kid with his parents. They were happy and thanked him immensely to which he smiled.

It was only when he was free did she walk over to him and immediately shove against his chest. Not that he managed to move all that much. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"What?"

"You can't just get yourself killed." All of the emotion she'd been burying all day managed to rise to the surface and she couldn't help herself with how upset she was. She didn't care that they were still standing in the emergency room for everyone to see, didn't care that she was glancing up at him like some dumb girl over the surgeon she was.

"Meredith, I'm fine. A little muddy." He smiled, "Half of everyone is staring at us."

"What happened if you…"

Nathan put his hand on her cheek. "I'm fine. I promise. See, look. I got all my body parts and I'm in one piece. I didn't bang my head or anything. No injuries. I promise."

She inspected him briefly even if she trusted his word that he was fine. "You're still an idiot."

"Come on, I need to get out of this."

Meredith wanted to give some stupid quip or deny that she would go with him but she didn't. Instead she just followed along and continued to make sure he was okay. He looked fine, other than the mud that had most definitely ruined his shoes.

She didn't bother speaking, not when it was all going to come out something of a mess no matter what she said. It was ridiculous to be as irritated as she was. He saved a kid and probably saved other patients. He was out there doing what she was in there doing. He devoted so much of his life to helping people in places where dangers were high. Of course, Seattle came with it's own challenges.

"You promised me you wouldn't die." The words were soft as she shut the door to the on call room and looked over at him.

"I'm not dead." He sat on the edge of the bed and tugged her closer. "Hey, I'm sorry. I'm right here. There was an emergency."

Meredith looked down at him and felt stupid for how upset she was. She wasted no time in finding herself on his lap, wrapping her arms around his neck. "I go away for a few days and I come back to Catherine Avery of all people telling me there was a mudslide and you were nowhere to be found."

"I thought Hunt and I would be back before you."

"Well, you weren't and I thought you were…" She let out a breath. "It's stupid. I know it's stupid and it's irrational but people die. All the time. They drop like flies and it's a miracle half these people are still alive."

Nathan put his finger under her chin and tilted her so she was looking at him. "Je suis à vous. Je suis ici. Toujours."

"You speak French?"

"I'm yours. I'm here. Always."

"Je suis a vous. Je suis ici. Toujours."

Nathan smiled, unable to bite back his lap.. "Your french is terrible."

"You'll have to teach me." Meredith wasted no time in pulling her shirt off and dropping it to the floor. "But I have better things on mind."

"Is this thank god you're alive sex?"

"Yes."

Nathan pulled off his own shirt before kissing her. "I should put myself in harms way more often."

"If you do you'll never get sex."

"Liar."

Meredith wouldn't confirm nor deny his statement. They both knew it was true, she wasn't going to deny him sex. Not when it denied her just as much. Instead she pulled herself up off of him and pulled her pants off. She pushed him down onto the bed and straddled him again.

"Something tells me you've used french to get girls into bed." She commented as she reached down to stroke him.

"I don't think any of that is classified as a crime since I can actually speak it." He didn't hold back the moan as his own hands ran along her body, gripping at her neck and pulling her closer to him.

"Yeah, but how do I know you can actually speak it?" Meredith murmured against his lips. "Maybe you just know that one line."

Nathan propped himself up, hand braced against the bed behind him, nipping at her lips. "I thought you were sad I almost died. Now you just seem to want my cock and proof I can speak French."

"I can admit I was a _little_ dramatic." She shifted herself so she was rubbing herself against him, moaning quietly, relishing in the beginning hints of pleasure.

"You didn't even lock the door and now, you're here, naked and wet."

"I don't want to think about what would have happened to you." She whispered, running her fingers through his hair. "I don't want to think about you dying or getting hurt or how you were probably all too happy to go out in a dangerous situation. If I did then I would think about everything. I'd be sad and emotional. I'd ask about all of these scars you have and I would probably admit all the feelings inside of me are very real and I don't want to lose you." She looked at him, eyes softened. "So just fuck me. Speak to me in French. Talk about your cock. I don't care. And if someone interrupts us, well, I'll test your skills because those three kids interrupt me all the time."

"That part of me is never leaving. The army part." His touch was gentle as he caressed her cheek. "You do what you have to do and that way of life hasn't killed me yet. You and Derek built this life together here, you settled, you had kids...it was never like that for me. I would never hurt you on purpose, I'm not running from this." He moved to kiss her. "Plus, like I would give up the great sex. Can find sex anywhere but the good stuff with someone who actually care about is not so easy."

"It was pretty great when I hated you in the car."

"Better than now?"

"Well we're not actually doing anything." She murmured against his lips, barely moving against him. Not willing to give either of them anything yet. "And you stopped using french."

"You got upset."

"I'm not upset now. I'm just horny."

"What's new?"

Meredith rolled her eyes. "I can get off myself."

"Did you in Montana?"

"No. I was tired and drunk."

"Not once?"

"I can control myself." By some miracle she could control herself, but times came when she just didn't want to. Especially around him. "Plus, I didn't bring my vibrator."

"That would have been a show."

"Did you?"

"I worked. I don't make a habit of jacking off at work."

Meredith backed off from him, her eyes dropping.. "Maybe you should. I want to watch."

"Serious?"

"Unless you're embarrassed." A challenge of sorts.

"I have nothing to be embarrassed about." Nathan proved just as much as he reached down and began to stroke himself, moving differently from how Meredith would.

She found it wasn't really the action itself that only managed to get more worked up than she already was. There was just something about washing the way the pleasure washed over his face, the way he flushed, the way he bit down in on his lip. He'd move slow then faster. She could feel just how wet she was growing, allowing her fingers to slip between her own legs. It was only fair.. "What do you think about?"

"You."

"How?"

"Sometimes when you're walking down the hall I just think about bending you over the near surface, yanking down your pants, and just fucking you. Other times I imagine you down on your knees begging for my cock. In the car when you were so needy."

Meredith took her free hand and covered his hand, aiding him, keeping her eyes directly on him. "Where do you like to come?"

"In you." He answered without missing a beat.

"You make me come all the time I don't care where you get off." She bit down on her lip, rubbing her own clit a little faster, just enough. "Did you think of me before the car? I had a dream I rode you on the couch in the attendings' lounge."

"You're really in the public sex aren't you?"

"No thrill if you can't get caught." She gripped his cock harder, moving so she was closer to him..

"I thought about you a lot, even when you were hostile."

"I think everything about me just makes you hard."

"Maybe." The word came out in a moan, one far too loud for the on call room. "Je veux te baiser dans la chatte."

"What does that mean?"

Nathan pulled their hands off of him and grabbed her by the hip, "I can jack off any time. I want you."

"Something tells me that's not a literal translation."

"I want to fuck you in the pussy is the literal translation. I feel like a teenage boy when I say it like that though."

Meredith laughed against his mouth. "We fuck like we're teenagers." And she never felt better about it.

"Not unless you actually sink down on me."

"I guess I can." She was casual she did just that, holding back the moan, finding her arms around his neck again. It felt good, he felt good.

It didn't take her all that long to find her rhythm, the feelings from before all but a distant memory. A few days without him felt something of a lifetime, if she was to continue with being more dramatic than she needed to be. When his mouth sucked at the spot on her neck that always managed to make her damn putty for him.

Everything about her moves to putty them. They both give and take, her grip on him harder, not thinking, just doing, relishing in him being there. A small part of her all too aware of the worry, that she pushed down, to focus on the fact that he manages to make her feel as if she's always one step away from completely falling apart on him.

His fingers dug harder into her hip and it only spurred her on, any control she once had, gone. She moves without much abandon, taking him as deep as she can manage, enjoying the feel of him filling her, stretching her, all too aware of everything.

When he bit into her neck unexpectedly she felt her come undone. "Nathan, fuck." She managed to get out, kissing him just as he came inside of her, a feeling she had to admit she liked just as much as he seemed to.

Everything from the day seemed to hit her as she rested her body against him, allowing them both to find their breaths, and their senses. It was a long day and she was exhausted, it hitting her in a wave, but she was happy to be in his arms, to be there with him, to just enjoy the company he brought her. She never thought she would be able to find that without anyone but Derek. Only there Nathan was and it felt right, like she couldn't even imagine a time where she was so put off by him.

The last thing she wanted to do was untangle herself from him, but it was late. She needed to actually go home before her kids thought she was never coming back. He was just so _warm_.

"Thank you." She whispered against him after a few minutes before gaining the courage to actually pull herself from him and find her clothes. Half a miracle no one came in and found them together. They probably needed to be more careful but whenever she was lost in a moment with him it was as if part of her brain shut off and she just _did_.

When she looked back over at Nathan he was tugging his shirt back on, her eyes laser focused on him. He was fine was all she could remind herself.

"I'm okay." He said as if he could read her mind, reaching out to pull her closer.

"I know."

"I'm sorry, about earlier. I am."

"Just," she let out a breath, running her fingers through his growing hair as she stood before him, "don't do it again."

"We both know I will."

"I don't like it."

"I know."

Bad things happened to them all but not because they played the hero type. Just because. She didn't like to think about something happening to him because of the combination of her being around him and the fact that he played hero. She was used to thinking about her own impending death but it was the idea that Nathan could be the one dying that was fairly new. Something that told her just how deep her feelings were getting, something that scared her half to death, and something that made her realize if she lost him in any capacity it was going to hurt like hell. "I have to go."

"Je suis à vous. _I'm yours, Meredith_."

"Je suis a vous."

**Author's Note:**

> [tumblr.](http://laurelsalexis.tumblr.com/) || fic title from Northern Lights by Jaymes Young


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